Advice about friend with cancer

[Twinkly64]

I've posted a couple of times about being taken for granted a friend. She had cancer a couple of years ago. I drove her to hospital appointments, supported her mentally and emotionally and also helped her out financially. Not a lot of money, but still left me a bit short. She has family but they don't see her much, and not really any other friends.

Her treatment was successful and she was fine. I noticed she drifted away, never really bothered ringing me or messaging and when I went through a very difficult time she barely kept in touch. I took a step back, since I felt a bit taken advantage of and felt that the friendship had been very one sided, spoken to her on occasion but haven't met up in over a year.

She phoned me yesterday, very unexpectedly to say the cancer has returned and likely to be more serious. I do feel sorry for her, however I feel I have nothing left to give, and not even sure I want to continue this friendship. I know she was hoping I'd take her to her appointments but I just don't want to.

Does this make me an awful person? Would just like to see what people think because I have no one in real life I can talk to about this.

Don’t do it. You need to put yourself first.

I know quite a few people who had cancer and it's very common that Various people they expected to "show up" didn't and vice versa. (ie support came from unexpected people)
What didnt happen and wasn't common was they didn't drop the people who supported them in the bad times when they got better.

She is not your friend.
Send a card and keep your distance

I've had cancer, and I can tell you with much certainty that having cancer doesn't make you a nicer person, or give you the right to behave like an arse to people. It is ok to say no/quietly exit from the friendship. Truly.

I would not contact her of your own accord. Don't answer if she rings . If you speak to her you will be open to manipulation. Keep in touch by text . Much easier to say no to stuff plus texting gives you time to think of a reply .

I’d be sympathetic, send her a card and if she asks for more - then have some information available to pass on

https://www.holmeschapelhealthcentre.co.uk/_common/getdocument/155082#:~:text=As%20someone%20receiving%20treatment%20for,they%20travelled%20by%20other%20means.

https://www.macmillan.org.uk/cancer-information-and-support/impacts-of-cancer/benefits-and-financial-support/help-with-transport-and-parking

https://www.macmillan.org.uk/cancer-information-and-support/impacts-of-cancer/benefits-and-financial-support

say if you want to, I maybe able to drop you at the hospital on occasion but I’m sure you’ll have lots of friend rallying round. Make it clear you’re not be doing much if anything

No, it doesn’t make you an awful person, having cancer doesn’t automatically make you less of a bitch. You were used and you don’t want to be used again. A casual acquaintance got in touch with me when she was diagnosed with breast cancer as she knew I had been through it and we would meet regularly. To be fair I was her emotional support rather than anything else but it was interesting that I haven’t heard from her since her treatment ended (luckily successfully). I’m not hugely fussed but if she contacted me with a recurrence I wouldn’t be going out of my way.

You’re not awful. It’s actually not uncommon, though obviously hurtful, for people to shun their ‘rescuers’ when they’re better, as they don’t want to be around people who saw them at their lowest. But that in no way means you should feel obliged to be Helpful Cancer Friend.

Thanks for all the input. Makes me realise I'm not a bad person, and I can put my own needs and wants first.

No you’re not a horrible person OP. I would feel exactly the same in your position.

Absolutely you are not a bad person for keeping your distance OP. I have cancer myself & I am so appreciative of the friends that have come through for me. I can’t imagine pushing them away like that but that’s just me. As others have said her having cancer doesn’t make her a better person!

It doesn't make you a bad person and it's very telling that she barely kept in touch when you went through a difficult time.

You don't have to continue this "friendship".

There's nothing worse than someone helping who is begrudging. Let her know that she deserves to have someone helping her out of the kindness of their heart, but that you just don't have it in you anymore. If she persists, let her know that friendships empty and fill one's heart, but the fact that she just disappeared left yours empty.

I can totally relate and no, you're not a terrible person. The opposite in fact, a very kind and giving person who has just run out of juice and it sounds like this 'friend' of yours knows what a kind soul you are and is taking advantage of that by ringing you up again. I totally get why you would want to put a bit of space between you...you're entitled to put yourself first and in fact, you should!