Separation or divorce regret - young kids

[HelpWendy]

I am about to move out of own family home, exh and I will both have the children. I'm terrified of the sadness they are going to feel and the unsettledness of going between two homes, two boys, 5 and 8.

It's the deadest marriage there could be. But civil and there is a duty of care to eachother, neither of us are bad people but it hasn't worked for years, we have completely lost a way back to eachother.

I am terrified the sadness it is going to cause boys and exh and the guilt is going to consume me. Think of of him without the kids and waving them goodbye when they go with him and hoping they don't feel that I don't care about them.

I just don't know how I am going to deal with it. I feel like I am so naive of the suffering it is going to cause.

Please does anyone have any wisdom.

Xx

We separated before and we tried again but it didn't work. My 8 year old told me the other day that we have an 'idiot' family cause mummy and daddy never do things with him together. Broke my heart for him.

Is it better sometimes just to grin and bear it and stay? I know a lot of people do. We don't even speak to eachother anymore.

UPDATE - I have looked up how many of these threads I have posted over the last 4 years.

I am sorry Mumsnet! Why can I put myself and my needs to the fore, I just don't know. Must be a bit of Stockholm syndrome!!!

I feel for you but know that you are doing the right thing to separate. I'm sure many who comment will say that staying together 'for the sake of the kids' does not work, you would not be modeling a good relationship, you will be happier and that will reflect on the children. If you and your partner have a mutual respect, it will be possible to coparent in a way that puts the children's needs first (being flexible/not scoring points/openly supporting each other/not shouting on the doorstep). Try not to feel guilty/worry what others think. If you keep loving your children, they will be OK xxx

I felt like you but it actually isn’t as bad as you fear in reality. Over time, you actually get to enjoy your time without the children and have much more energy for them when you have them. Same for their dad. If you can remain amicable, all the better.

The kids get used to the new new norm. Mine did and is now in his 30’s with his own child and both me and his other parent are very much part of his and our grandchild’s life,

The only advice I would give is to not jump into another relationship quickly. It’s a vulnerable time and judgement is clouded. It also hurts your ex. Have a year or so where you just focus on the new dynamic and the kids. I made that mistake and it set us back a bit to be honest.

good luck.

I totally agree with a PP that it is the fear of HOW you and they are going to feel that is 100 times worse than the reality. For me this fear was paralyzing. It was the same apprehensions that you are having, "how will I feel without them ? How can.i do that to their Dad? How will I live with the guilt ?" It was so bad that I stayed for over five years in a deeply unhappy marriage - to try and cope with that I ended up having an affair. This (obviously) ultimately caused a thousand times more suffering than anything else (even though I had finally bitten the bullet and separated from him before exH found out). The reality is far better than my fears led me to believe. I enjoy my time with and without the kids (actually look forward to my weekends "off") I am a happier person as is my home. ExH does far more with the kids than he ever did when we were together. Obviously it's not all roses, there is plenty of tension between him and me which the kids still pick up on, we had originally tried to stay friends and do things together as a family but once he found out about my affair that stopped (I take full responsibility for that) and that upset the kids as it was not what we had promised them when we split. But I am far far happier and my fears were so much worse than the reality.

It’s far easier on the kids to bite the bullet, make a clean break and stick to it. I left exH 5 years ago with my 7 year old DD. He and I are amicable, he had regular contact and everyone (particularly DD) is happy. She says she doesn’t really remember living with both of us anymore, the way things are now is normal and she’s very happy and I don’t see any signs that this isn’t true. It took 6 months from the split for her to settle properly into the new routine and maybe a year for it to be 100% the norm (and there was a very unsettling school move and a house move in that time too).

If you are doing it the DO it. Fannying back and forth is unfair on the kids. Make the break and push through to the new normal as quickly as possible so they can feel stability again. All this “taking a break” and going back stuff just makes their foundation wobbly.

It's the deadest marriage there could be

sounds a utterly grim environment. For everyone. But mainly your children.

i thought you’d been seeing someone OP? (i was on your other thread)

@notjustthecandle yeh when we were separated someone I encountered doing a job for me at home pursued me. Classic really and classic fool. Nothing happened, I couldn't but meeting someone where I felt normal was nice.

@notjustthecandle I think I thought that it might help me but maybe I'm just one.of these women who suffers the guilt.

You need to explain to your children what is happening so they understand. Can you move relatively close? What will custody look like?

No that makes me sounds like a miserable person!! I'm not!! Yeah they chased me and chased me,.I let my guard and wasn't worth the confusion at all. He still linger which is annoying!!

OP I'm happy without my ex and my life is lovely but, I'll be honest, it's still hard without my children and we only do EOW. My ex was abusive though and I do fear for the kids when with him, but it's manageable nowadays, I plan lovely things and the kids have adapted to the new normal.

Life is for living OP, don't live in fear about the what ifs. You and your ex sound like you will co-parent amicably and that is the main thing. Go and find happiness.

Ah this is great to read thank you. It's exactly paralysed by fear, no woman leaves a marriage without trying I really don't think, there is nothing flippant about this. It has just eroded and I feel less able tham I used to be that's all. But put me in the right environment and company and I am totally fine. I have to remember that. I have just developed a negative mindset and any time I look at the positives it all feels a bit me me me. But I know the kids will ultimately benefit. I just want them to feel where I live is their home and that they feels settled and secure. Xx

So I've rented a house about 15 mins drive from main home, it's lovely, being renovated but not ready yet. It's a little isolated but that's what you get when you live in the country. As it's not ready I haven't told them yet, I don't want them to ruminate. I think I will move second week of march and make it warm and homely and them the following week. When do you think I should tell them, feels a little soon still?

I totally agree fannyng back and forth is unfair. Something happened for him to move back, I don't wanna to go into but it's a health diagnosis (which he chose to get) and when he got the bad predictive outcome from the test I felt bad he wasn't with the kids all the time (his life basically will be shorter). I should have never let that happen, it's been so sh,xt and messy as a result.

@MotherofChaosandDestruction Thank you x

Just have to woman up and have faith in the unknown now, get my bottle back :)

I don't think there's ever a time to separate that you won't feel guilty. I'm in the early stages of separating from my husband, after 20 years of marriage, children aged 13 and 16. They don't know yet. I'm so worried about the impact on them, plus we'll be in a much more precarious financial situation. But I know that in the very long run, this is the best course of action for all of us. It's just getting there that's causing me anxiety.

I know this is an old post, but I wondered how you are getting on now please? I am currently in a very similar situation - although we haven't separated properly, we do not sleep in the same room and haven't for the best part of a year, we rarely speak unless about the kids, and he recently told me 'I don't hate you, but I definitely do not love you' and that we were only in the house together still because of the kids (I knew all of that anyway). I need to make the jump this year. But I'm so scared of the impact it will have on everyone, and also how ill manage financially on my own....

I was crying tonight and my 7 year old son cuddled me and said 'I know dad makes you sad'... I really have got to do something soon, cannot carry on like this.

How are you all finding life post separation? I hope you're doing well xx

Hey @BeShyPlumLeader , a year on and we are now living separately. I moved out (for complicated reasons) and am living in a rented flat. As I expected , I'm in a much more precarious financial situation and It has been difficult at time even though my ex and I are on good terms. I definitely am grieving the end of a 20 year marriage and also feel a lot of guilt about the impact on our youngest daughter (now 14), though the eldest (now 17) has adapted incredibly well.

Saying all that, I do feel I made the right decision. I can feel things are getting better, it just takes time. All the best to you, wishing you courage and strength x