Am I the ow here to my ex husband?

[therussiandolly]

Long story short our marriage broke down a little over a year ago.
Ex H decided to leave so we could have some space. He ended up sleeping with another woman during the time we separated but was trying to fix things with me as well until he admitted he'd been seeing someone else and she wanted something more serious with him. Obviously I was furious and hurt and asked him to leave after his admission but he wanted to come home.
He ended up getting into the something serious with her a few days later despite her knowing he had asked me back and that we had been working on things while she was sleeping with him.

They've been together ever since. Recently ex h told me he misses me and thinks about me a lot and I have also found myself thinking about him and missing him. For the last 4 months he regularly video calls late at night, we chat and sometimes reminisce about things. I have to admit it's left me even more heartbroken because it's made me fall for him all over again. But I don't see this going anywhere because its been 4 months and while he's saying all these things and keeping in regular contact he doesn't actually ask me if he can come back or can we make this work.

The conversation is that he wishes things didn't go how they did, he hasn't given up on hope for me and him rekindling our marriage, but he's created something complicated and can't leave what he's created with his gf now. Keeps saying it's going to kill him if he sees me move on and how he regrets ever leaving in the first place.
He has definitely reeled me in again and now I've found myself wanting us to get back together. He's knows that because I told him, he says he wants the same and can't escape thinking about me but there's no effort from him to try and come back. He's continuing on with the gf and then treating me a bit like the ow.
Why is he doing this? If he regrets leaving as he says then why not come home when he knows from my end I'd likely welcome him back.
I'm not sure what to make of it all. He's also been going through a bit of a crap time with his family and I've been listening to him and giving him advice/support, he's not in a good head space but I've been helping him out however I can by listening and letting him vent. When I say to him why don't you just come home he says incase we fall back into old ways and become distant again and how he is afraid of feeling how he did before he left me. Says that's what is holding him back from coming running my direction but I'm not sure if it's just an excuse.
I obviously can't compare to the new gf she's beautiful, successful and he has been welcomed in by her family so I think he's actually afraid to leave one thing for another incase one goes sour and he fucks up the other connection.
It's hurtful as we are married 15 years and he knows I would rekindle our marriage again, I miss him a lot, I've been so lonely. I feel like I'm being breadcrumbed and turned into the "ow" when I'm actually married to him.
I'm not sure why he declares all these things to me and then when I offer him a place back in his home he has an excuse about being afraid I will hurt him or let him down again.
I do enjoy speaking to him but I realise it's getting to the stage I'm getting really upset because I'm invested in putting our marriage together again but from the sounds of it he's going to continue on in the other relationship but still wants to keep a connection with me as he says "because we don't know what the future holds and I still love you and you are on my mind every single day"
If that's true and the person you're saying it to is saying OK let's give this a go, would you not jump at that chance if it's what you actually wanted?
So am I just getting used here??
Or what do I need to do for him to make his bloody mind up?? I did do no contact at the start with him but since that has been broke and I've got to the point I love hearing from him I'm afraid to go no contact again as I would like to save my marriage and stupidly feel if I go no contact again he'll see it as I'm pushing him away.

please don't be harsh with me I do realise I'm probably a massive mug here but if I could rekindle with him, I would. I'm just unsure if I'm being breadcrumbed or if he does genuinely feel this way but honestly afraid of things going bad between us. I feel like he will drag this out for more months and I'll never get over him because I'm hooked on hoping he'll come back

Part of me would love to kill him with kindness and let him think he's still got me hooked so if he decided to come back thinking he'll just walk through this door he will actually get a massive awakening...
But obviously I know I'm too caught up and unhealed to do that.
The bastard

Because comming back would leave the door open to 'you chose this'/'you wanted this'/'you can leave again' when all hes ever wanted was the good bits & hes getting that from you right now

This...shows its not a healthy relationship for both of you aswell

Happens to a lot of us OP, don't blame yourself in any way but you need to start looking out for yourself now.

STI check and book a weekend away. Make a list of things you want to do. Start looking for new hobbies. Find new podcasts with strong women on and do long walks. Make calls to friends to arrange lunches. Get a dog. Whatever you need to do to distract yourself and build your new (better) life away from this horrible cheat, do it. Let him wonder what you are up to and what better options you have for once. Silence is golden and will help you no end.

I don't know if you have kids, but be aware he may also be trying to dodge childcare and paying maintenance, so be wary of this and go via the official channels or you won't be able to back date anything.

If he's doing this to her. What did he do and what will he do if he were to get back with you? You'll never be in peace. And he'll not stop being a cheat.

@jk8 it was healthy. We were actually quite a good team, until some personal things happened and took a toll on our relationship for the last 12 months. Then he decided to leave when things got a bit tough but when things were tough on his end I always got him out the other end.
I know I'm saying I'd love to kill him with kindness but I know I wouldn't do it. I'm just saying it because I'm just upset at the minute. I'm not built to tag anyone along unless I was serious, which is why I'm hurt he's doing that to me just.

Guys who cheat rarely can work through issues and reflect - that's exactly why they jump ship and are not ever going to last in a committed long term relationship. Every guy who cheated on me had an excuse. It's never whatever they say it is, it is them. They do it to the next person too, as yours has, so don't blame yourself.

Ahhh I see

im sorry this is SO cruel and painful
😣
and yes does sound like this was brewing and why he walked
UGH

I hope you have a good network in real life looking out for you

The guys a narcissist and wants a harem of supplies.

How to screw with him is to kick him in the ego and show him he’s more than replaceable, while keeping your head held high.

I suggest that next time he gets in touch the conversation goes something like this:

oh hello. How’s (other woman), I hope you’re both well. ( no sarcasm, bright and breezy, you don’t give an F he’s with her)

oh me, I’m just getting ready, oh where am I going, don’t be so nosy! (Playful- f you narc)

if he starts bitching, tell him you really are in a rush and can’t quite figure out whether he’s called for something important or just for a chat, but that you don’t have time for a chat right now, so is there some kind of emergency, and can’t other woman help him.

next time he talks about you and him as a romantic couple whether on that call or another, laugh and say, us, oh I don’t know, I’ve had a lot of time to think. I think at this stage of my life, stability, maturity and passion are what I’m looking for, I’m kind of done with DRAMA, (narcs despise being thought of as drama queens which is exactly what they are, suggesting he’s immature, there’s sexier bastards out there, and he’s unstable will of blow his tiny egoistical
narc brain), but we plodded along nicely for a while. Laugh like you think it’s the most bloody preposterous idea ever. Make sure you use the word plodded, he’ll bloody hate it. Ignore him regularly, phase the f*er out. Heal and move on.

he's a big man baby who needs constant validation from multiple sources, you deserve 1000 times better, make sure the bastard knows that.

And no you’re not the other women, you’re married to him!

Expect him to go silent after that, he’s a narc, he won’t like it but he’ll want to punish you. He’ll be back crawling after some time, with a new angle- but hopefully you’ll be stronger by then and easily resist him. You need to get rid and getting under his skin is the only prize you’re going to win in this little game he’s playing. He’s gone and screwed another woman and considers their relationship more complicated to leave than your 15 year marriage. It’s excuses and typical narc behaviour. Oh and when you’re telling him you’re getting ready, be getting ready, go and have some fun and write a list of all the things you can do now he’s gone. Things you enjoyed that he didn’t enjoy, things single people do. Go on some dates, you don’t have to be intimate with people and I suggest you are not as I can tell what kind of lady you are and that would just hurt your wounded soul more, as it would mine. Grieve the love you felt, but go out with people, enjoy other peoples company, slowly embrace the fact there are other fish in the sea. Honourable men who would never do what he’s doing. Men like you. And now after a year of being screwed over by a narc and grieving and not moving on I’m going to take my own advice. One thing I did do though is go radio silent no contact, and that’s helped massively. Do the same!

I think if his new gf thinks he's in a serious, monogamous relationship with her, then she's being cheated on - it's not very fair on her.

The new gf is the OW so she has no claim on him: he’s not cheating her, he’s cheating OP who is his wife. They are both being immensely unfair to OP. The OW knows she’s sleeping with a married man whose wife loves and longs for him. So I don’t give a damn about her.

But, OP, I don’t think he’s worth fighting for.

He’s playing the cruellest game, keeping you on a hook while he tries out the OW, letting you believe he still loves you while he’s doing his best to build this other relationship. He will go on breadcrumbing you till he feels sure if the new gf, or until she tells him to drop you, and then he will discard you without a second thought. Bastard.

I know it’s painful and totally unfair, OP, but rip off the plaster. Make the break before he drags this out for years and completely destroys you.

And OP, please stop believing that you are the OW. You are not the OW. You have not lowered yourself by sleeping with a man you know to be married, knowing you were colluding in the breakup of a marriage that had run into temporary, solveable problems.

People look down on the OW or OM, but you have done nothing shameful, so don’t let anyone gaslight you.

He is showing you who he is. (A cheat, someone who plays with peoples emotions, selfish). BELIEVE him, and walk away.

I answer that question of course it was going on before he left.

I'm really sorry about your relationship but you do need to face facts. you were together 15 years and this is how things have ended up.
There is no way on God's earth any woman with that duration of marriage should be even discussing how his other relationship is going.

Where's the respect ?, you must end it with this man, divorce and cease any financial ties, he needs to be well away from you, whether he's doing this to make the break up less painful for you, or keeping his options open is irrelevant.

No good will come of you waiting arround watching their lives go on, hoping for what ?

I wish you the best, you didn't deserve this.

This. I've just left a man like this. These people are spineless shits and they crave validation because deep down they know how horrible they are. They'll do anything to keep running from themselves.
But what selfish, shitty behaviour to hurt and deceive two other people just to get an ego massage. Who does that?
A total cunt. That's who.

He is doing this because he can. He wants to have his cake and eat it.

He's all words and no actions, you have to break away because he will stop you ever moving on and this could go on for years.

You are worth so much more.

This sounds very hard and cruel. But at the end of the day actions speak louder than words. If he really wanted to be back with you working on a future together he would.

But he’s unfortunately playing you both and deep down you know this yourself. It’s hard and unfair but you have to disengage from this to find a way forward and future happiness. He really isn’t your future and doesn’t love you how you deserve to be loved. Relationships that are happy are truly not this difficult. It’s time to let go and start moving forward without him. He’s not the one for you long term and the longer you stay caught in his drama the more damage he’s doing to you.

Take back the control and break free. In time you will feel stronger and so much better.

Yes he's breadcrumbing you and he's doing it because he can and because it's such an ego boost.
He left and is treating you appallingly and you still want him? To him that makes him feel like a God. It's not about you. Only about how it makes him feel.

And no you're not the OW, but he is definitely treating you like you are. He's an absolute pig and you deserve so much better.

The truth is OP, you can't take him back, even if he came begging to your door and no matter how much you want to take him back.

He has zero respect for you, and he will have even less than zero respect for you if you take him back after this. He will cheat and do whatever the hell he wants because he knows you'll let him away with it.

He's a cunt.

’we didn’t know this shit was going to happen to us 2 years ago’

there’s no ‘we’ here, though, because he had agency in what happened with him leaving the marriage and taking up with another woman (or already having his eye on her before he left, more likely). That is not something that happened ‘to’ him, it is something he actively did. He is positioning himself as a victim of circumstances by piggy-backing his infidelity onto the difficult circumstances you both had to deal with for the year before he left. Whereas him leaving for another woman is something that happened ‘to’ you. It wasn’t a shared experience.

That’s the first thing, to unpick what he is saying a bit more and detach yourself. His language is holding you together but his actions are keeping him away. His language is absolving himself of blame by seeing himself as a victim of circumstances, but a tornado didn’t lift him up and deposit him in the other woman’s bed. And two broken legs are not keeping him there whilst they heal. He could get out of her bed, pick up his stuff and walk back over, he is not some helpless victim of circumstance.

The second thing is to be kind to yourself. You are neither stupid nor naive, because you are the one who had the fifteen year marriage. It is normal and natural to believe the language that says there is still a chance it might be okay, rather than have to work through all the emotions of it not being okay. But it is not okay. His behaviour is not okay. I would find some counselling and work through the emotions here, and I would stop the late night conversations. Limit any interactions to handovers for the DC, if you have any. Remember to look at the actions, not listen to the words. You are not his counsellor. If he does not know what he is doing, he needs to seek therapy from someone who is not you.

I remember Irma Kurtz giving the following advice to a woman whose husband was behaving exactly the same as yours (had left her, new partner, tossing her breadcrumbs) and who still had a flame burning for him: “that flame - take a deep breath and blow it out”.

You’ve not been a fool, OP. Don’t abuse yourself. But now you have understood the situation and that this is not a man you can ever trust again, you can take your power back and start moving forward. No emotional conversations. If you have to discuss practical matters, best to do it by email: no need for friendly chats because they just get you hooked again. Call time on his BS. Get really busy with other activities. It will hurt for a while but time is a great healer and the more space and time you put between yourself and him, the better you will start to feel.

Hi this could be me!! Its very hard and I know I am just lying to myself about what his intentions are. As he managed to tell me its over so why can't he tell her! (Because obviously he doesn't want it to be!). I don't know where or how I go on from here either. He won't let me move on but is happy to move on himself. It's very cruel like you say from someone who has supposed to have loved you for so long. In my case 22 years. I'm here with you, just feeling completely lost.

The only way out of this is to stop trying to understand, stop analysing the situation/his intentions. Stop completely.

The facts are there. Act on those facts.

Go no contact. Get divorced.

Talk about it to a friend, a therapist, trusted family members but not to him, EVER again.

If you have to talk about something house-related stick to factual information.

If he tries to reel you in, be firm "I will not be talking to you about that / I'be decided these conversations don't work for me" etc.

Don't feed his ego by telling him howyou feel or what you want, shut that down and instead feed your own, get good people onside and get them to help you cut that cord.

When someone's stuck in sinking sand you don't talk to them about how that feels, you get them out pronto.

He's keeping his options open. He doesn't want you right now but you maybe useful in the future and it would be awful for him if you got on with your life and met someone else.

Please don't do this to yourself over a weak and selfish man.

I agree with PP cut all but essential communication. Initiate divorce and keep all communication business like. Vent your hurt to your friends but do not expose any vulnerability for him to exploit.

You can do this.

No, no you're not stupid, please don't beat yourself up about this, you really need to be your own best friend and supporter now! My STBXH cheated on me and I kicked him out but it was the most painful and horrible thing I have experienced and yes, I did miss the man he used to be, or seemed to be , for a good few months, but a year or so on and I don't anymore because I have chosen to love myself more! I actually have time to care for myself than I have in years and realised I have been looking after other people since I was 17 years old to the point I neve rhad enough time and energy to properly look after myself. Start loving yourself now more than him, and caring for yourself, treating yourself with loving kindness, doing the things YOU like doing that he wasn't so keen on- I bet there's at least one thing isn't there? See you friends and any close family you may have, see can you get a counsellor- I had 6 free online sessions here in Ireland with Turn2Me which really helped- there's surely something similar in Britain!
And for the love of all that's good, please, please do NOT put yourself down in any way from now on1 You truly loved, which means you're a good and worthy person and he's the one not good enough for you! Keep posting, so many of us have been through similar and do check out Chump Lady, she has so much sound advice and she'll give you a laugh as well! Look after yourself from now on!