DH avoiding looking after son

[bear1923]

We have a 4 month old son together. He has two children from previous relationship and I have a daughter from previous relationship.

My mum died 2 years ago and left me her horse to look after. Horses were mine and my mums thing, they still are for me. During winter horse needs be turned out, mucked out, hay and watered in the morning, I then walk the dog while i'm there. In the afternoon, the horse needs to come in and again the dog needs to be walked. I'm doing all of this with baby plus looking after my daughter, the house, doing the cooking etc. And sometimes I'm taking up DSD to the yard as she likes to see the horses. DH will not have our son for an hour at the weekend to help me.

He will have DS for 20 minutes tops. DS is exclusively breastfed but can go without a feed for 2 hours. DH constantly joking about me being slow, not being quick enough. Whether that's when i'm on the toilet, in the bath, basically anything I do where he has DS. DH says he won't have DS for any length of time because I chose not to bottle feed. And because if DS gets upset DH has to walk around with him to calm him down.

Am I being unreasonable to think DH could help me out more??

No, you are not unreasonable.
Just out of pure curiosity, what would happen if you started acting super confused and/or laughed it off.
'Right DH, I'm going to the yard now'
'You can't, you'll be ages, I can't have DS that long'
'Haha, so funny - I'm going now bye'
'No, I can't have him that long, you chose to breastfeed'
'He'll be fine for an hour, he won't starve to death'
'But he'll get upset'
'That's what babies do - bye!'
'No, you can't, it's cruel'
'No its not, I'm going now, bye'

YANBU. You need to just go more often.

But sorry horses are not very compatible with 4mo

Seriously, where do all these princes come from?

Where the previous generation of parents really that bad that this is what's been produced?

My wife is breastfeeding, I’m not (same sex couple). I agree that it is mildly stressful to care for a baby who could be calmed by feeding. Worry lurks in the back of your mind that if they get really really unsettled you have no safety net.

But that doesn’t mean you just get to opt out of parenting!

20minutes is nothing. He needs to take responsibility for his child. You shouldn’t have to do this for him but could you build up to two hours? An hour first at a time of day when baby’s routine is most reliable (morning, after a good feed?) and then build it up/do trickier times of the day when he’s got more confidence?

No, horses and 4 month olds don't mix well, however I have no control over the fact my mum is not longer alive to look after her horse.

He's useless.

Other than contributing to bills, what's the point of him?

I could try the laugh it off approach but I expect i'd be made to feel awful when I'd get home. Dh took drastic measures not to be around today and decided to work to be away from me and DS.

I do need more help. I cannot go on like this. I was a single parent to my daughter from when she was 6 months old til she was 7. I know i can do it again. I do have lovely people at the yard who will help but they understandably have their own stuff to do!

YANBU and the longer you allow him to get away it, the harder it'll be to change. He may well be anxious about dealing with a young baby that he can't easily comfort if they get upset but, he needs to get used to it. As the baby's father, childcare is as much his responsibility as it is yours and he needs to step up.

So should the op just give up her mums horse then? Or maybe the other parent of this child could actually do some parenting when she is looking after the horses.

He needs to help out more. Would you consider going over to bottle feeding as he would then have no real excuse. I will probably get flamed for suggesting that. But it's one of the reasons I bottle fed - I didn't want to be solely responsible.

Could he not come along & help you with dog too? It seems ridiculous you have all the kids and a baby plus the horse and the dog.

What's his actual issue? If it's milk, leave some for him to bottle feed.

If it's a confidence issue then it'll only improve with practice!

No you are perfectly reasonable thinking an adult can manage their own baby for an hour. Is it that he just can’t be bothered or does he need practice?

You just need to go to the horses and leave your son with him if he needs more practice. No-one is great with babies until they practice. Luckily he has an older one so he should find it easier as he has previous experience (unless he did fuck all with her as a baby and that is why his ex dumped him - then he’s lazy and yet another useless man).

He does no housework, no cooking, doesn’t parent. What’s the point of him? I don’t understand the appeal.

I take my newborn down to the yard. Both my children come and are free range. Why aren’t they compatible? You have to just think about where to put the baby. It’s not like we’re hanging them up in haynets.

I read your next post-

‘Made to feel awful’. What does that mean? Is that you feeling guilty or him saying something to you?

Do you think he feels awful for leaving you to it? Or going out all day? Or getting you to take all three kids to the yard?

Another lazy man having kids he can’t be arsed to parent. Sorry op but he’s showing you who he is. If you dump him he’ll get another woman to parent his two offspring on ‘his’ parenting weekends.

How engaged with his older child is he op? Honestly if he doesn't want to be around his own child, what's the point of the relationship?

If it was me I'd lose my temper in the end and ask him are you too incompetent to take care of your son or do you just feel its not your job because you are a man.

Maybe you need to get angry and tell him he's being an arsehole.

Definitely keep going to tend to the horses - it’s your one link with your lovely mum and she would be so happy seeing you care for them as she did.
Of course some say ‘take the baby’ but why the heck SHOULD she? Baby is with dad, you know the one who has contributed 50% of the kid’s DNA. He needs to learn how to care for her. Yes, combi feeding is an option. But whatever the method, it should not involve ‘mum comes home’. You have as much right to be out of the house and having some non family time (although the horses are sort of family :) ) as him!

He needs to step up. He can learn his own ways to comfort your baby, but only by actually doing the practice. If baby has a feed before you leave then he will have to develop his own soothing mechanisms like going for a walk with the pram or a sling.

In a couple of months he can offer sips of water if he was worried baby was thirsty. Perhaps you could catch some let down milk now so he’s got an emergency back up? I wasn’t going to set myself up with the commitment of pumping on top of breastfeeding but I managed to bank a lot of let down milk for the freezer in the early months.

He's a useless lazy man child.

He sees parenting as your job. I'm suprised he hasn't already suggested selling the horse. I'm sure the selfish git massively resents the time you spend at the yard.

What is he like with his older child? I'd honestly keep the horse and lose the man.

I'm so sorry about your mum.

YANBU - he is opting out of his responsibilities for a child that is just as much his as yours and acting like a man child. If he is genuinely concerned about feeding then perhaps express and have a bottle of breastmilk available just in case but otherwise he needs to get a grip and learn how to parent his own child 🙄🤨

Just express some milk and leave it. I took formula milk with me if I was going somewhere I couldn’t breastfeed so maybe grab a couple of bottles

I can pretty much guarantee this prince won't step up even if the baby was bottle fed.

So he makes you feel awful when you get home. Feed baby and go out again- you were a jerk when I got in today, you clearly need a LOT more practice parenting a baby. I’m off out to clear my head and think about what you do for us exactly. I might catch up with <mutual friend> I know her Dh actually parents, do you think he realises you’d rather be boiled in oil than look after your own child?
start telling people: don’t protect his image while you also single parent.

So presumably when you stop breastfeeding he will happily look after his own DC for a whole day.