How do you leave an abusive relationship when you are broke and alone

[ElectricBlue]

I can't post this under my normal name. I have stayed in an abusive relationship. I've been scared to leave - scared of him and scared of life. I've become nervy, jumpy, distracted and feel unemployable in the real world. I'm a SAHM but I work for my H. When we were in love and happy it was perfect working together, now it feels like slave labour with someone I have come to despise and I'm stuck. He has the business and I do the admin plus I'm a mum of DS who is 7. He has little time for us. I feel I am only staying because I am too scared to go and my options feel narrow. H regularly tells me that I have a charmed life and that I live off him. He hates his job and we are in debt. He mainly controls our money and he nags me often to go back to work, but I'm a nervous wreck just being around him and I am very busy because our life revolves around him. I don't have close friends to confide in anymore.

He has been violent in the past. He appears to have mended his ways in the last 12 months (even so, I don't trust him). He seems to have a split personality. He will be terrifying, abusive, aggressive and I will be shaking with fear, then he'll calm down later and try and cuddle me. Then he'll get annoyed if I am stiff about it. He sometimes verbally abuses me in front of our DS. DS is utterly confused he wants his dad to be his hero. Like many violent men, he is all talk about leaving me, but he won't release me or let me release myself.

I want to leave but I don't know how to leave him without losing my sanity. The house is in my name, but he runs his business in a part of the house. He'd want the house on the market and would want 50% (so he tells me in rows). The house could take months to sell and he probably won't move out because he won't have the money to live elsewhere until the house is sold. We are also horribly in debt at the moment and are threadbare at Xmas because of something out of our control that happened recently - so the timing of a split is horrendous, but feel I may be in danger.

I don't know much about benefits, but from what I have heard, because my house is an asset in my name, it will affect me claiming benefits??? Is that right. Even if he were able to move out, I don't know how I could support myself and my son - I can't go back to work - I'll crack - I'm too much on the edge. I know I'll be fine when he is out of my life .. but... HOW do I do it?

I can't see any situation where I can get him out of my life quickly and survive mentally or financially - he'll be breathing down my neck. It's probably the main reason why women stay so long in abusive/violent relationships. Please advise. Thanks.

Well said Wig.

Although I have no subjective experience, I took FF's post to be a mini-essay on why the heart can rule the head with disastarous results. I thought it was poignant and truthful.

Someone I know was in ann abusive relationship like yours. Her H owned the house and was the major breadwinner. She thought she would never be free of him but I guess things must have got too bad because in the end she went to a solicitor and started divorce proceedings and also took him to court to have him evicted from the house. They carried on living in the same house while all this went on but the court insisted that he buy them single beds so she could sleep separately from him (previously, she was sleeping on the floor rather than sharing a bed with him.)

Eventually their divorce came through and then he was forced to move out although she had to pay him half the price of the house first. She now has a mortgage for that and works as much as she can to pay it. She got the house because she is raising a dd and has 2 older children so it was felt she should carry on living there for the child's continuity. Her dh resisted all the way, but eventually the law dealt with him and the woman is now moreorless free of him.

I tell you all this because it may be possible for you to do the same. Could you see a solicitor to see if you could do something similar?

agree dingwong.

Maybe I've just had a little too much of ff's 'dry humour' in the past to give her the benefit of the doubt.

ff - I'm not on my high horse, I'm just running very low on patience with your threads/posts at the moment. But, as I've said what I have to say, I'll stay off this (and certain other) threads if that's ok with everyone else.

I wasn't being humourous, i was sharing how i used to feel and a personal rude attack was uncalled for, how dare you suggest that i find it ok if someone is mentally abused.

Why do things have to get so personal?
Electricblue posted a heartfelt message to which she was given a heartfelt, truthful response. Can we please give each other a bit of a break!?

Well you thought it was witty to suggest single mums are a drain on society etc, sorry if I can't tell the difference between what you find sad and funny!

FF IS A SINGLE MUM WK!

I know that popsycal, which makes that sort of 'joke' worse not better. If it was from someone who didn't have a clue, you could almost excuse it as ignorance.

I dont agree with things you say but i assure you wk i would never single you out and insult you. It is totally unnecceptable to take over this thread, it is a serious one, not one for bullying me so i will leave it at that. If you find you are missing patronising a belittling me you can go to the tomato thread.

I have so much i want to say in response to all of this but am tongue-tied and don't know where to begin.
All I know is that a very good friend of mine, a caring, genuine, lovely person has had a shit few years and a REALLY shit last six months and this is doing no one any favours.

It is Christmas. Can we just let this drop for now?

electricblue - i'm really sorry this has taken over your thread, i hope you can use the good advice and ignore the rest.

Message deleted

ok wobbly has made a remark but does everyobe have to come along and stick there ore in too! Why is it like that on here if you say one thing that others dont like you get pounced on!!

ia agree WR playground scrap it is!

Sorry, this is long. So much in my head. Ive tried to compose a message several times on Thursday and had to abandon them because I was interrupted/no privacy. I cant get online because he is permanently on the phone - Im preparing this in Word to paste. Thanks for all this support - Ive only just skimmed the bottom and the top of these posts but Ill post first and read them after, and then post again. The marriage is really over now and a lot of things happened today. H is still awake too and in a tight kind of mood. He started on me a few times today and was at his worst: scary, threatening, dangerous, swearing (motherf***) shouting me down, advancing on me nose to nose, not letting me leave the room. Throughout all I repeatedly requested that we talk after because ds was present and terribly shaken, but H was too dangerous to deal with and ds was very scared. I said: you are scaring him and scaring me. Then he snatched ds into his arms protectively and started screaming at me (ds tears were all my fault apparently) jumping around so much that ds started sobbing. BASTARD. He would never hurt ds physically, its only me he wants to hurt. I got keys and change and ran out the door and had a front garden conversation with him from a safe distance. Then he released ds, but wouldnt let him near me. There was a fairly big scene with me wanting to go to a Refuge and take ds with me. He calmed down, mainly because I threatened to call the police and my garden scene was embarassing him in public tho it was about 9pm and no one was about. Also I was too intimidated to be in the house with him and I was sick to death of all of this rubbish. He became very rational. When I was 100% sure it was OK, I came in. I kept ds near to me at all times and put him to bed and stayed with him whenever possible. After that H told me about an hour ago that he rang a relative in his home country and told them the marriage was over - for him to have done that its really seriously over and its the start of lots of calls for both of us now, giving our own versions of the story. Hes on the phone right now to another relative abroad at 2.45 am telling a sad story No2. Hes being horrible and hes playing dirty already: his angle will be that Im totally dramatic when the opposite is true. Domestic violence and a bad sex life often go together - so he'll focus on that too and if his family think he has a bad sex life they will definitely see me as the villian. Sod them all!

We spoke of a few hometruths too and I said that when the relationship turned destructive/violent fundamentally it was unacceptable to me and I found it hard to forgive although I played denial games with myself. Some people can change, I had always hoped he might and we do the counselling route but he always said no. I would have forgiven him if he had agreed to stop/go for counselling and incidents hadnt kept happening with him saying sorry/next incident/sorry etc etc. Thats why his sorries were meaningless. I told him forcefully that he can never understand what violence does to a person and he received this info by waggling his head and repeating it, doing a schoolboy imitation of me in a ner ner ner ner ner sing song voice. Truth is I can never forgive what he did to me, our child and my dreams. I feel old.

Im feeling calm but weird. A bit stronger too. Im not in the marriage anymore, now I have power to be me again. Im OK. The time I wrote this was 03.00 am but I will just post this in the morning of 24th because he is still on the phone. Thanks for being brilliant and rallying round - you are an amazing community .... XXX

ElectricBlue, I am so sorry you are going through this. I admire your strength and your determination to get out and build a better life for you and your ds. You will find a way to do this. I'm sure today will be very quiet on Mumsnet but I do hope you get lots of good support and advice. I don't have anything useful to say - was just moved to post because my childhood was marred by domestic abuse, and we were saved by my mother's strength and bravery. The courage you are showing now, and will continue to use over the coming weeks and months, will be such a gift of love for your son, as well as for yourself. Good luck and big hugs.

ElectricBlue, good to hear you're feeling stronger. I've never been in your situation, so don't know what to advise, but think that, even with the house, you need to make your and your son's safety paramount. Maybe if you think that what happened last night will happen again, take the opportunity during one of his calmer moments (or when he's out) to clear off to a refuge.

What an absolute bastard to use his son like that.
Hope the next few days go better for you.

Personally, I think this is the time to get him to leave. Call the police and get an injunction. He sounds terrifying and no good for your son or you.

Electricblue, I agree with aloha. Please get him out or get out yourself NOW. He is unstable and dangerous by the sound of it. Can you manage to get your passports, driving licence, stuff like that into your handbag ready to leave? I agree he should be the one to leave but the reality is that maybe you should go somewhere for your safety and then go for an injunction to get him out of the house. His behaviour is totally unacceptable. You can ring Womens Aid and get advice once you're out.

and stats show that the time just before/when a woman is leaving her partner is the most dangerous.

I really appreciate your concerns about our safety. Everything is very calm. I did some very practical things today. My ds is showing great resilience and I took him to a softplay centre and he played happily with a friend we met there and tired himself out. While he played I went through a fairly thick booklet called the Survivors Handbook, on what to do regarding DV and getting out. Then I made a long list of things and Im anxious for Xmas to end so offices will be open again and I can start. I think I need to go temporarily on benefits, then I want to volunteer and then I want a job (cab - you are right a job is exactly what I need, after I have gathered a bit of will and confidence). I also want to join as many support orgs that can help me find my feet and confidence again. Im excited about being ME again.

I want to stay in my house. From what Ive read in the booklet moving to a refuge means a different area, a shared room, a different school, etc and for me this is too depressing to contemplate over this period or any period. I know when I am in danger and I dont think I am now - its all gone cold since yesterday - now he's told relatives, he doesnt want to talk much and he seems released in his own way. Relatives were his biggest fear but now he's found it an easier hurdle than he thought. They dont accept divorce in his family/culture as they are extremely orthodox. More family came to know today and it is such a relief for both of us.

Sounds a bit hollow considering your concern, but please dont worry, I am OK. I know him very well. If I start injunctions now or any kind of legal/police move it really will get ugly and dangerous, he is very proud and intimidated by authority (that's why he could never go to a counsellor, he's scared of looking silly) - he'll make my life hell later if I try it, its not worth it. I'm taking it a day at a time and will follow my plan. Thanks for all your posts. xxx

EB, I'm glad things are calmer and that he's accepting the idea of divorce. Keep all the numbers on hand, just in case. It sounds like you've got a real plan to get through this which is great.

Thinking of you.