10 weeks and want to leave my boyfriend

[Ladybird1989]

Long story short. I relocated 4 years ago over 200 miles from my home, friends and family to be with this guy. I have one child from my previous marriage and one child with my current partner, with one on the way. I have known he hasn't been right for a long time, but I guess I gave up so much to be where I am now, I felt that this was where I had to stay. I'm also embarrassed that this has not worked out how I had hoped, and everyone thinks I've moved and living my best life....

We argue, a lot. He can be verbally abusive, a narcissist, and very spiteful with his words. This is not all the time, but it can be often. I don't want my eldest to notice his behaviour, ( his dad was similar but maybe not as bad when thinking about it, and that was enough for me to divorce him). Maybe it's me? Maybe I make these men treat me this way? I don't know, I just know that I don't love him, not sure I really did, and I feel ashamed to be bringing a child into his mess, but I also feel so blessed to be having another child. Therapy won't help, as my feelings won't change. Sorry for the waffling..I'm not really sure why I am asking for answers when I already have one.

Please leave asap. You don't say how old your child is, but they will already be aware of how you are being treated, and it can affect children quite badly before you actually notice.

Tell someone, how he’s treating you and how you are feeling. Can you go back and visit family with just the kids ? X

Yeah I am visiting them next week, I have touched base with my mum on certain things, but I know if I try to move back he will make it extremely difficult for me to do so.x

A blessing is not how I'd describe the situation. 2 DC's by someone you've never loved and not married to. I hope you are financially independent otherwise you have made some terrible decisions. How well did you know him before upping sticks?
You are not making men be narcissits, but if you keep repeating, its probably that your past experience of similar traits actually sets off a feeling of comfortable recognition towards men like this, which becomes the attraction initially.
Did you get a quick sense of comfort and fall deep and fast for him? If you did that's the love-bombing narcissits do. You've done a lot in a few years, probably pushed fast by him.
Don't let embarrament keep you in a bad situation, you should aim to be on your own for a good few years now and concentrate on your DC's. It's not necessary to have a man in your life, so swallow your pride for your DC's sake and go back home.

Thanks for your honest opinion. But yea, I thought I loved him to start, he helped me through one of the most difficult times of my life and could not do enough for me, I finally believed I found the one, but once I had moved I slowly noticed some red flags but I went with my heart and hoped things would improve. But they didn't. It seems everything I had opened him up to when I was at my most vulnerable, he now's throws back in my face. And yes I kick myself every day for not being more careful when it came to sex, no excuses but it was after a good few drinks at a family event! The situation is not a blessing no, but a child is! I'd known him for a few years prior, more of a distant friend..but clearly he only showed me the side he wanted me to see. Thanks again.

And also, it is my house we live in, he is not on the tenancy and yes I am financially independent

Don't feel embarrassed. This is just life in all its messiness. A new life is something beautiful and miraculous. You do not have to follow any rule or stay because of everything you have invested in this relationship. You are a free person and you can leave even while pregnant. It's really OK. (PS you are not the first person to be in this position. PPS if anyone tries to shame you just completely ignore them and focus on what decisions YOU need to make for you and your children.)

All that stuff he threatens you with if you leave? Likely he mostly won’t bother once you’re out of the picture. He’ll move on to his next victim.
Get what evidence you can of his abusive behaviour, ie make notes, record him on your phone if you can do it discretely, screenshot any abusive texts etc. That way if it comes to it you can prove that you needed to move away for yours and the children’s safety/mental health.
Good luck with your move, I found it such a relief when we finally left.

If it’s your house you can just boot him out. He can go to court to prevent you moving his kids 100s of miles away though.

You made a mistake yes, but that doesn't mean you have to keep repeating the mistake forever by staying with this asshole.

I know leaving is scary. You may ultimately have to deal with the police regarding him. But the alternative is living your life with an abuser and raising your kids with an abuser 24/7 forever.

They will then likely grow up to choose abusive partners too. Or to be abusive like him.

Do the scary stuff now so that you don't wind up trapped in a scary prison forever.

Have a family member come stay whilst you ask him to leave perhaps. If he doesn't have much stuff, you could just change the locks whilst he is out and post his things recorded delivery to his family. Or arrange a day to box it and leave it out for his collection.

You could even end your tenancy early to force him to move out. Talk to the estate agents. Maybe they would wave a few fees if they can move you to another of their properties.

Personally I'd be inclined to have family come stay and tell him it's over and he needs to leave and if he kicks off, call the police and have him escorted out. As the quicker he's gone the better.

Therapy on your own might help you better shore up your boundaries and feel stronger about escaping this abuser. It might help prevent you from staying with similar assholes so long in future too. But therapy with an abuser is never recommended. Therapy can't fix evil.

Look into child support. And other entitlements.
And just a thought but, maybe also why you're out, consider - tube tying. Its a quick procedure and you'll be in and out same day usually, take a few days to recover. No more accidental pregnancies to tie you to more bad people. Two kids to two crap fathers is plenty to deal with.

Three kids.

Bugger, really?

Yup it's definately tube tying time imo then!
As soon as you've got rid of the current jerk that is.

It’s in the OP 🤷‍♀️

Has your joint child started school yet? You'll have an easier time moving back to your original area - if that's what you want to do - if the younger one isn't yet settled in school.

I'd boot him out for starters and then see what he says about contact. He can't prevent you from moving without taking out a court order. Only you know if he's likely to bother doing that.

No my youngest is not in school. I've asked him to leave or at least give me some space but he won't go. I work full time (from home) as well as look after my youngest full time, I have no family here for support.

If he is not on the tenancy, surely you can call the police and have him removed? He does not get to treat you like shit and you just put up with it. He thinks he has you trapped because of new baby. I’d ask him to leave one more time and then I would just make him leave.

Advocate for yourself and your kids and make him go. The police can assist in removing him from your property.

If you are financially independent and there is no other attachments than the kids for the sake of them and yourself I would be considering splitting and do your own life.
Partnership is working as a team.

Phone the police: 'My boyfriend is abusive and refusing to leave, I'm scared he might hurt me'

Once they come out you explain he's been asked to leave and he's 'refusing to go and has become intimidating' and you're scared of him. And that it's your name on the lease alone.

Once he's out, get a locksmith in asap. Box up his stuff and either post it to him recorded delivery, drop it with his family or arrange a day he can collect it from the doorstep. Don't answer the door to him though. Dobt let him back inside ever. If you pick up the kid or drop off for his access days, do so in a public place.