Too subtle or is he oblivious?

[MeOrHimEh]

I'm on the spectrum and my interest in sex has dwindled alot over the last few years. I have demand avoidance issues so when my husband starts the routine of trying it on I immediately go into shutdown mode.

I decided to try and be the one who instigates a bit more but last night it turned into a huge argument.

For context every night I sleep in huge cosy pyjamas and because I have body confidence issues I never have sex naked, I always put on a long line vest or something

So last night I had a bath and shaved head to toe, which I like to do if I know I'm going to get jiggy. I whatsapped DH to ask where the razor was so he knew I was shaving.

I then send him a sexy photo. Not anything explicit just nice but sexy. Which is HUGE for me, I never do anything like that. I was really trying

But 20 mins go passed and he's not even looked. 30 mins and I'm starting to feel stupid and the doubts and no confidence creeps in so I delete it.

He comes upstairs and I'm wearing a little black nightdress thing.

He gets in bed and starts watching YouTube on his phone.

I'm rubbing my legs on his but he's just watching the phone.

He pats my bum sometimes, like a cosy thing, so I ask him to do it but (sorry tmi) I've got no underwear on and sort of push my bum into him. He pats it's a few times and goes back to his phone.

I'm feeling really stupid by now and all my issues are flooding my brain. He isn't attracted to me. He doesn't want me. I put some pj pants on and try to go to sleep but I feel so stupid so I started to cry so went toilet

When I cam e back he asked what's wrong and I said I wanted to have sex, can't you see I'm teying to initiate the best I can? I told you I was having g a bath and shaving, I'm wearing lingerie, I've got no underwear on.

And he got really mad at me saying he's not a mind reader and I should have said something.

Verbally

Do I really need to say the words out loud or would your husbands have gotten the hint if you weren't in your fluffy primark onesie but a little black thing with no underwear on??

I know I'm sensitive and I know I could have 'jumped him' and been more physical but that terrifies me and I was doing as much I I could without feeling stupid.

He's got up early and gone downstairs and now I just don't want to see him as I feel so daft.

I get why you feel a bit rejected as you pushed yourself so far out of your comfort zone and have said yourself you have confidence/body issues.

However, it sounds like you quite often turn him down when he's trying to instigate sex with you - quite rightly so when you're not in the mood.

Last night you were in the mood and it seems he wasn't. Surely that's fair enough given you (seemingly much more commonly) reject his attempts to instigate.

Imagine if you turned him down and he went to the bathroom in tears, making you feel guilty and then creating an atmosphere cos you didn't feel like sex when he tried.

It's also a bit unfair to regular log turn him down then expect sex on demand as soon as you suddenly decide you're in the mood.

I say this from the perspective of a female in a relationship with a DP with a much lower sex drive than me. He often isn't interested in sex when I am - which is fair enough. But it often (unfairly) leads to the expectation that if he's in the mood it should just happen.

*regularly turn him down

But when we argued he said he's always in the mood and if I would have told him I wanted sex he would have been well up for it.

He said I was not clear enough and I should have 'told him with my words'

So I do understand your point but it wasn't a situation where I was in the mood and he wasn't. He said he would have jumped on it if I was clearer

But I feel like that wa pretty clear!

Have you considered your DH is also autistic?

(Don't want to get jumped on as I usually roll my eyes at this type of comment)

But, you say he isn't picking up your hints and has said he needs clearer communication. It's very common for autistic people to be drawn to each other?

That said: it doesn't matter why he needs clearer communication, just that he does. He has explained this to you and I don't see any reason not to take that on board

If he hadn’t had a phone glued to his hand he would have bloody noticed! And she sent him the text about the razor so he knew all along but the phone was more fascinating than having a loving sexy time with the most important person in his life.
So no OP you weren’t wrong, you were amazing. You are a phone widow.

It sounds like sex has become a bit of a fraught issue for both of you, so no wonder you are both getting quite emotional about it.

I'd say you both need to sit down calmly and have a chat about it, and you explain how you are comfortable signalling that you want sex. (If you don't feel comfortable saying it in words, explain that when you put a lace nightie on that is your way of saying you want sex that night, for example). And he should have space to say how he feels about the whole thing too.

It can be an awkward topic, even between couples who are generally in tune and know each other really well.

My husband WOULD know that I wanted sex if I wore lingerie, yes. But I think I have been with men in the past who could be oblivious to this potentially.

The important thing is to mend the insecurity you are both feeling around this topic, and move forward to a more comfortable sex life for both in the future.

Just be more explicit, ask him if he wants to come ‘for an early night’ if you don’t want to be too obvious