Husband going out - AIBU?

[HoorayForRain]

Name changed as trying to fly under the family and friends radar.

I gave birth to my son a few weeks ago via c section (there were complications and I'm working through this with help). My husband has always had an active social life and has been out for the evening with friends since.

He told me yesterday that he will be out one evening this week (he went out last night too) and got pissed off with me when I asked if they could come to our place instead as I'm a bit overwhelmed at the moment. His response was: 'You won't stop me from seeing my friends'.This then led to a long argument in which he told me that I 'always have to be right' and implied I'm controlling because I expressed concern/an opinion about him going out and won't let him voice his own opinions.

I'm a bit of a mess currently and can't trust my own judgement, so hoping for some wisdom here. Anyone been through the same or can offer some advice? Tough love also very welcome.

Is he pulling his weight at home?

How much parenting, supporting you and household chores is he doing?

@HoorayForRain There has to be a balance, some compromise. Is he acting as if nothing has changed? I hope you are recovering well x

You're not controlling at all. Not letting him express his opinions, is he 12?! He doesn't want the new baby changing his life in any way, very childish.

He loves our baby and does engage with them well now. However, does/did need prompts to do things - e.g. has just started doing a late night feed because I'm too exhausted to do it all. He cooks and does some of the cleaning too, but baby is largely my responsibility.

His priority at the moment should be you and the baby. When things settle down he can resume his social life - assuming he is pulling his weight at home - but you have had major surgery and are adjusting to having a baby, he should be supporting you both.

It is unkind & disrespectful to be unsupportive at this time. It’s selfish and juvenile. He’s a dad now, he should man up and during this time, be unquestionably working in tandem with you.

You may not be able to stop going out because he clearly has no empathy.

Two things; next time he “needs” you for support or help, tell him to fk off! Your day will come.

Secondly, keep a journal of his crap behaviour, just a short note on Yuit phone or similar, so that if you are ever, ever, tempted to have another child by him, read your journal and keep your legs crossed.

Hello
Never forget that marriage is a two way thing and giving and taking and a time taking or giving works!! Nothing is ever 50/50.

Thanks - this is what I tried to convey but it came out a bit garbled. My thinking has always been you get the tricky newborn stage over and done with and THEN socialising resumes.

@HoorayForRain It resumes, but not as you knew it!

@annaT2122 And I can't wait for it! I'm happy to make these changes, I'm just not sure my husband knew how profoundly things might change post-baby.

The diary is a great idea - I was actually thinking about doing this yesterday, just because I doubt how reasonable I'm being. Another baby is never going to happen (it's a physical impossibility).

IDK tbh. If he’s a good partner that pulls his weight at home, is taking care of the housework, taking baby in shifts so you can sleep etc. etc. then 1 evening a week with friends, and wanting that to be outside of your house for a change of scene shouldn’t be a big deal. That said, you haven’t elaborated on your complications, of course you don’t have to if you don’t want to, but it’s hard to say either way without knowing if there’s some mitigating factors that mean him going out is going to be problematic in a way it wouldn’t be for most people. Also, if (for example) you’re doing all the nights, all the housework and in addition to the seeing friends he’s at the gym 3 nights a week plus golf on weekends then you have much bigger problems unfortunately.

Thanks @InTheRainOnATrain for giving balance to this. I don't really want to elaborate on the circumstances (don't want to out myself), but they were potentially life-threatening and involved a lengthy stay.

Totally agree with the golf scenario - we're very much not at that point. I suppose my concern is less about the going out and more about the reaction to my questioning it. As I'm sure you can discern from my posts, my mind is a bit all over the place!

There's always a compromise to be had OP! I don't think it's unreasonable for your DH to have one night out a week, as long as he's pulling his weight around the house! Obviously that applies to you too once you feel well enough to do so!

We're due a baby in May, and I will absolutely not be telling my DP that he can't do the things he enjoys, just within reason.

I do agree with this - I've never told him he 'can't' do something. This is the only time I've queried his whereabouts (and he's usually out quite a bit) so I'm a bit at sea with the response.

I would think it would be no stressful to have them over to you
with the best will in the world there not going to be quite

sounds like he wasn’t ready for the change a baby makes to your lives OP. I had a section (no complications thankfully) and can honestly say DH never left my side for 4 weeks because I was limited in my capacity to do anything. Your husband needs to understand life completely changes with a baby and that you NEED his help and support more than his friends need him. He sounds very selfish.

Just go out yourself and leave him with the baby then you’ll see his true colours.

No and you really don’t have to share anything you don’t want to! And I hope you’re on the mend now. I think sometimes when everyone is sleep deprived as you are with a new baby, and also if you’ve been through something fairly traumatic, sometimes arguments have a tendency to escalate beyond normal rationality. I’m not saying he should get a completely free pass on how he reacted but if there was ever a time to let things go more than you would ordinarily this is it.

If you need him to stay home, as a result of your complications, then you need him to stay home. Be clear that it’s about you and your needs. If he’s just been out, and you’re only asking him to skip a week and it’s with good reason then a supportive partner would understand. As always there’s a compromise to be found and likely it’s just been a bit of a shock to the system for him how much things have changed!

Sorry if I missed it OP but can you clarify exactly how much he is going out?

Is he back to work as well?

He sounds rather dim as well as uncaring if you had a c-section a few weeks ago and have a newborn and he can't understand that you feel overwhelmed.

He's just had a baby. When is he looking after the baby alone? Is he doing night feeds? Sounds like he's incredibly selfish and doesn't not even remotely understand what you're going through and what he SHOULD also be going through as the father of a newborn.

I'd say any man whos partner has just given birth via a complicated and distressing operation and is caring for the baby without their input, who sees it fit tt engage in a long argument with her about his right to see his friends is juvenile and has some growing up to do.

His fear is that his social live is over. Yes, it is for a bit, he's got a newborn and recovering partner. Yours is that you can't cope and need his support, which is entirely reasonable. A difficult birth is a big deal, don't let anyone tell you it isn't.

He will make himself redundant in your family if he doesn't shape up, and then he can play out with his friends all he likes.

Apologies for not tagging individuals - some answers following: I do all the middle of the night feeds and he does the one just before bed (11pm ish). He's used to going out 1-3/4 times a week depending on work/season commitments, so this is obviously a big change for him.

I'd have precisely no sympathy for a man who didn't appreciate that becoming a father wasn't going to affect his social life.