I am 27M and my wife is 26F. HELP NEEDED regarding my wife and her best friend (M28) who is now showing signs of love, clinginess and possessiveness towards my wife.

[ram345]

I am 27M and my wife is 26F.

We got married recently. My wife has a best friend (M28).

Before our marriage she told me that her best friend has expressed his love and proposed to her multiple times. But every time she rejected the proposal and asked him only to be her best friend for life.

BACK STORY: It seems that every now and then he continued expressing his desire to marry her by using statements like "I miss you", "I love you", "Marry me please". But each of those time she rejected his proposal asking him only to be a best friend. He continued to do this until he got married to another girl. After which he stopped expressing his love directly to my wife who was single at that time. After his marriage, he continued speaking with my wife in secret against his wife's clear expression of intent for him not to do so. My wife who was single at that time continued encouraging his behavior against his wife's intentions.

Then I met my wife and we got married. During marriage I just knew that my wife has a friend who had proposed to her in the past, but now they are just friends, which wasn't a big reg flag for me. Then I knew their back story months after our marriage. It felt as if he was still in love with my wife but just that he didn't use words like "I miss you" or "I love you". Their relationship didn't sit well with me and so I expressed my boundaries and reservations to my wife. She understood for a brief moment and reduced speaking with him. Soon after she did that, he started showing signs of clinginess and possessiveness, and is now asking my wife continuously to speak with him. My wife also now shows intent to continue speaking with him.

what is going on between them and am I wrong in expressing my boundaries and reservations to my wife. ?

Well obviously she can't have a 'best friend' who is in love with her. This is a ridiculous situation. She needs to grow up and accept that this isn't a friendship and she's being unfair to both of you.

She isn't respecting either your boundaries or his wife's boundaries. You and his wife should both be setting clear boundaries. The boundary should be 'no contact with that person you are having an emotional affair with'.

Sounds like they’ve been using each other to create a drama triangle in every subsequent relationship they’ve had.

This isn’t ok. Don’t put up with it.

“Well obviously she can't have a 'best friend' who is in love with her. This is a ridiculous situation. She needs to grow up and accept that this isn't a friendship and she's being unfair to both of you.”

This with bells on. Your wife sounds at best extraordinarily naive but her actions in trying to maintain a friendship with this man are causing profound hurt and harm to a number of people.

However, it is important for her to have friends outside your relationship. Out of interest - does she have any close women friends? If not, i think you would benefit from some female friendship.

It must be a very nice feeling for your wife to have two men being in love with her! Most people like the feeling of being desired.

But it is not a nice feeling for you. And it is not a nice feeling for the wife of the best friend.

(I am all for men and women being friends with each other. I am a woman, and one of my best friends is a man. Important thing though - he is not in love with me, and I am not in love with him.)

"This wasn't a red flag for me". There's your problem, it should of been. Proposals rarely come out of the blue, so there's probably been physical stuff going on with them over the years but she wants to put the genie back in the box, when she can't.
You cannot stay friends with someone who romantically loves you, end of. You ought to have delt with this before marriage, but it's never too late to try. Her relationship with him is inappropriate, it comes down to a clear choice - you or him. If she lies about contact, all you can do is vote with your feet as the choice is then made. Sort it before any DC's arrive in this mess.

Your wife should be putting your feelings first and letting you know loud and clear that she is cutting the friendship off.

even if she has no romantic feelings towards him it isn’t fair on you that she continues to see him.

let her know exactly how it makes your feel. Under valued, second best, not appreciated etc and tell her the only way you can continue a happy and healthy marriage is if she shuts this off completely.

ask her to imagine being in your shoes and there was a woman constantly asking you to marry her etc. how would that make her feel?

Of course she has a lot of friends and most of them are male and I dont have any problem with them. Since they are just her friends.

I think she is being quite selfish tbh. When I have had an ex, for example, who still harbored romantic feelings for me I cut contact with them for their benefit, so they can move on.