Concerned about mother unfounded? What can I do?

[HettyMeg]

I have posted before regarding concerns I have about my mother's drinking and being forgetful. I'm just back from a few days staying with her and I feel worried again, but for different reasons. She is 69 and lives alone.

I've posted before about being concerned over her drinking - she typically has 2/3 large glasses of wine "most" nights (I say this but it could be all - she tells me she doesn't drink every night and it's only because I'm there). Wine is poured from a box in fridge and treated like juice, topped up before she's finished and she will have drank one before she starts making dinner of an evening.

I am concerned she isn't eating right and potentially even skipping meals, possibly linked to alcohol. I just get a sense from what's in her fridge that it's mostly convenience foods but also that she is only really eating a limited amount e.g. she'll eat a low fat ready meal over two nights. Finance isn't an issue for her so it's not about making money go further.

She regularly falls asleep on the couch at night (sitting up). She has back problems and this can only be exacerbating the issue. The only reason I know she does this is from staying over and going downstairs at 1/2am for a glass of water or something. It really triggers me because she used to do it all the time when I was a teenager and I would get upset about it and beg her to go to bed- she would wake up but spout gibberish and refuse to move.

I phone her most weekend mornings and she's not out of bed unless she's working.

My dad isn't around (acrimonious divorce / family estrangement) and I live a few hours away by car. My mum still works, which is for her social benefit rather than money reasons. She has had a few big events happen in recent years like loss of her mum, completion of divorce after many many years, and downsizing. I feel she has a lot of unresolved issues but she won't seek help because she doesn't agree. I have spoken to her about the alcohol and she agreed she probably drinks too much then in the next breath said she doesn't.

I have this feeling in my gut that something bad is going to happen because she's not looking after herself properly.

She is very controlling about her relationships - she likes to control what people know about her - so she would be deeply hurt and angry if I contacted one of her friends for example. She would see this as a massive breach of trust, so speaking to someone else about it makes me nervous.

Leave her be, it’s her life. She’s been doing this for a long time, why would she change now.
You go and live your life.

@DustyLee123 I'm worried about her and I love her, I don't want her to harm herself. I've accepted I can't make her be happy - she has to do that herself- but I'm now feeling that some sort of intervention is needed to make sure she's doing the basics

She lives alone, but she's got friends and she's working. Maybe you are unnecessarily worrying here? Having a glass of wine before making dinner you say as an example of something awful, when it's really not that bad. Plus she's making dinner, so eating?
Maybe you have anxiety for some reason, possibly wrapped up in her being controlling in her relationships.

She’s 69 years old, has 2 glasses of wine a night, sleeps in at weekends, sometimes falls asleep on the sofa, and eats ready meals instead of cooking (probably can’t be arsed)

She doesn’t seem particularly unhappy.

She’s been very clear that she has no wish to talk about the “unresolved issues” that you think she has, which is her prerogative. You have no right to approach her friends, which I think would piss most people off.

I think you need to leave her to live her life

Most definitely do NOT speak to any of her friends.
That could be a big betrayal on your part and could really threaten any future good relationship/communication. She could quite reasonably and legitimately, in the context you describe, which doesn't sound too bad at all, not trust you with any information or welcome you into her home again.

What do you think this 'intervention' would be in reality? She's self supporting, working etc. Is she dangerously underweight? Even speaking to her GP is not your place, and they can't force her to do anything.
Fair enough you are worried. But she isn't likely to change unless she has some sort of accident. I really don't see what you can, or should, do. Certainly do not talk to her friends - what could they do anyway?

I'd be concerned to OP particularly if she's becoming forgetful too. Not sure what you can do except encourage her in terms of food and keep an eye on things.

I know what it's like because I've a relative like this. Don't beat yourself up over this.

As long as she’s not drink driving then let her be. I have a relative like this too, her problems are long standing as well. Is your mum actually any different, or you’ve just noticed it more now? You say she would sleep on the sofa when you were a child for example. You can’t force people to seek help, they have to want to do it themselves.

She sounds like she's fine, my mum is a similar age and can't eat a whole ready meal in one go. She doesn't drink at all but she's not starving herself. Appetite often deceases with age. Leave her be, you sound interfering

There's nothing you can do. She can live the life she wants to live.

I've been through similar with far worse conditions and there was nothing that could be done. It's hard, but you've got to let it go.

It sounds to me like she's just living her life the way she wants to.

You've focussed a lot on certain behaviours but is she happy?

She has a job, has friends, likes a lie in on the weekend and a few glasses of wine, obviously we don't know her like you do OP but while she sounds like she's coasting through life a bit, she doesn't sound miserable.

Leave her be.

Yes it's worrying but ultimately it's her life, not great for longer term health reasons but if she's being truthful not unusual. We had a similar situation with dp's dm, now passed away, but ultimately we had to accept she had full capacity and knew that too much alcohol was not a great idea, yet she drank more than drs would approve of. She lived to just shy of 90 though.

What you've described is very much like my mother but she's in her early 80's however she will not admit to drinking too much and makes a big play of 'having only 2 glasses of wine'. However she has been seen to sneak into the kitchen and glue wine from a mug when she thinks no one's looking so the problem is worse.

The issue for us is that alcohol makes her nasty and unfortunately this is directed at my father who's in his late 80's. It also affects her memory and she constantly repeats herself but does not accept this and accuses people of not telling her things which sometimes result in toddler type tantrums. It may be the start of dementia but unfortunately the alcohol is possibly masking the symptoms. She won't take medication for anxiety or depression because she doesn't believe her behaviour is abnormal. My Dad often backs her up when we try to discuss issues but I think a lot of that is because she will make his life even more of a misery if he doesn't.

Anyway in your situation I would just leave her to it. There's nothing you can do. We only try to intervene because she makes my Dad's life a misery but even we feel like we've reached the end of the road with it all.

@Bobbotgegrinch I don't think she's happy, no. She cries a lot and focuses on the past. She is easily frustrated and takes things very personally.

@CountTo10 thanks, that sounds difficult. It also sounds familiar, I get the same stories repeated at me constantly- it's not an occasional thing, it's literally every time we spend time together she tells me all the details of something she has said to me already on the phone, or she'll tell me on the phone something she's already said in person. She also forgets things she has been told, and gets defensive and insists she hasn't been told something when she has

@GoingToBeLessRubbishAtLife no I don't think it's necessarily new but it is getting worse or I'm noticing it more because of the forgetfulness and because her whole look has even changed - she used to be about a size 16 and she's gone down to a 10/12 without even trying to lose weight. She still wears her old clothes so everything looks baggy which doesn't help but she just looks a bit frail.

You can't change an alcoholic, they have to want to change. I'm so sorry, it's awful seeing someone you love hurting themselves this way.

Drinking from a box of wine and drinking like it's juice are definite warning signs. Not that you can do anything about it, but you may need to prepare and protect yourself.

2-3 home measures of wine is a lot. My mum used to do the same - with a large wine glass that she'd fill to the brim - it was well over a bottle. And that was just the bit she was telling us about. Drinking that much consistently can cause cognitive issues and can lead to reduced appetite and poor nutrient absorption which could v explain the weight loss. People forget that as we get older alcohol affects us a lot more as well.
If that is what's happening the next thing to watch out for would be indications of peripheral neuropathy, as there is treatment that can reduce those effects but it can lead to frail people deteriorating quite quickly (falling, avoiding exercise which leads to further muscle loss)