My cousin's terminal diagnosis - please help me cope

[ImJustMadAboutSaffron]

I am struggling horrendously with this. I wanted to post it here rather than a health thread as it's about the emotions and the relationship.

My cousin, six weeks older than me and an absolutely massive part of my life forever - we shared so much growing up - has been diagnosed with lung cancer stage 4 that can't be cured but he's been told it can be managed. He's starting aggressive chemo next week. He has cancer in his shoulder bone, adrenal glands and lymph glands close by - not spread beyond that particular side of his body. He was given inhalers and antibiotics for months before someone took it seriously.

I'm ok coping with it practically and how to behave around him. He's a very down to earth pragmatic character and we've agreed that whilst being mindful of and sensitive to his condition, I will just continue to relate to him and his wife (who is one of my closest friends now) as normal, talk about normal things as usual.

I can't handle the thought of him not being there in the future, and I am terrified of him being in a hospice (though I know they're good places) and dwindling away until he's not who I know him as. I know this might sound selfish but I'm scared of the memories and our relationship from being children, and teenagers going out clubbing, meeting boyfriends and girlfriends, etc, being superseded by illness and death. I hope this makes sense. I want him to be as well as possible for as long as possible.

When we were in our mid teens he went out briefly with a friend of mine but it didn't last, she got married and moved away, and I learned that in 2020 (she was a nurse) she died of covid caught during the course of her work. My cousin was a part of that group, and I feel though of course I know life changes, people grow and change etc, that everything is being erased. He told his first wife (they share a son) about it and the first question was "how long have they given you?" I was appalled. This is not something I have asked or want to know.

I don't know how to start to process all of this. Does anyone have words of wisdom? Thank you.

I’m so sorry. I have no words of wisdom as I haven’t been through anything like this.
However, it struck a chord with me as I have a very similar relationship with my cousin and would be in a similar state if anything happened to him.
I’m sure you can be a great support to him while he goes through his treatment and perhaps look into getting support for yourself?
As far as your memories go, you will remember the good stuff and make the most of the time he has left.
I’m sorry this isn’t much help but I just wanted to reply and say my thoughts are with you.

I’m so sorry for you and your cousin.

An anecdotal story about lung cancer. My DH’s cousin was diagnosed 26 years ago when she was 57. It was a grim diagnosis. She just passed away last summer, still with cancer, she always had it, but it was “managed” very effectively. She had well more than 20 good years with her family.

I also had a cousin that I grew up with, always in trouble together. Unfortunately I lost him very quickly to leukemia about 9 years ago.

I hope your cousin has a good treatment team and you get to have him for many more years. X

I am sorry your Cousin is so unwell.

Talking about your shared history is a lovely thing to do, you will laugh and that is good. If you can record it or write it down so you have the memories and his voice.

Please don’t avoid seeing him because you are worried and let him talk about his illness and fears.

Not a cousin, but my mum. Same diagnosis and I totally relate to your thoughts. Fear. Despair. Anger. It's anticipatory grief. It starts now. Once the shock subsides, it will lessen and you'll learn to live with the situation. Like a rollercoaster...there will be good news and not so good news along the way. Stay in the moment. It's a total waste of energy playing things forward in your mind. It's hard to do and there are so many bittersweet moments along the way but we're a year into this now & I have more good days than bad. Mum is doing ok & the treatment is holding everything. It's incredible what they can do. Make the memories but don't let that process consume you. Be gentle on yourself xx

I'm so sorry OP, this is such hard news for you all.

Have you heard of "ring theory"? Also known as "comfort in, vent out". It's about seeking support during times when someone close to you is seriously unwell, but doing it in a way that supports those closer to that person so that they get the optimum support. Here's a long article which explains it
https://www.latimes.com/opinion/op-ed/la-xpm-2013-apr-07-la-oe-0407-silk-ring-theory-20130407-story.html

Do seek support for yourself in dealing with this and don't be afraid of supporting your cousin through the harder stages. Yes there will be new, painful memories, but they cannot overwrite the existing memories of your lifelong, loving relationship.

All the best to you ♥

It sounds like you're doing a great job of listening to his wishes and treating him the way he wants! So kudos for that. Talking normally about normal stuff can feel awesome since cancer patients spend so much of their time talking about cancer to doctors, nurses, pharmacists, therapists, receptionists and so on and on, that it's nice to get a little rest sometimes and feel more human and less 'cancer'.

I think it's also important for you to have your own support with your feelings, independent of him. Whether that looks like talks with other family or friends, or some kind of therapy, or online support groups, or fulfilling yourself with work and hobbies, or yoga or exercise, is up to you, but it is very important to take care of and nurture yourself and find a safe space to honestly discuss and work through your feelings. And the usual things of getting good rest, nutrition, hydration, exercise and fresh air.

Impermanence and 'everything being erased' is a part of our human existence but we often don't realise or integrate that into our world view until we're facing loss. And then it's hard to cope and we fear it so much. Various schools of Buddhism talk about this a lot and you might (or might not) find something there that's helpful as in normal life we so often just don't address it.

As for your cousin's feelings, everyone is different and you are paying attention to his expressed needs which is the important thing.

My own feeling (as someone with stage 4 myself) is that people who are dealing with an incurable diagnosis are often both tired and busy, and have to cope with their own emotions, so don't necessarily have much strength or time to manage other people's emotions (adults and people outside the home anyway, of course it's different with partners and children).

In other words, don't centre your own emotional struggles in your interactions with him unless you feel that's what he wants (and from your OP it sounds like you're absolutely not doing that, which is great). This includes not wanting him to be well for your sake or because you're scared of losing old memories and gaining new, worse ones. Want him to be well for his sake, but never require wellness of him as he doesn't have the choice and should not be under any pressure to look or act well if that isn't the reality. Accept, if you can, however he actually is and love him in that state.

I hope your cousin has good length and quality of life before him but you sound lovely and thoughtful and I know you'll support and love him whatever happens. Hugs to you!

I'm so sorry for your cousin's diagnosis.

I was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer in 2018 and while it is treatable, it is not curable.

This first stage is exhausting purely because your life is dumped on its head and the amount of information you're expected to retain and understand is immense.

Please be aware managing a condition like this can be similar to a full time job - it's a lot of appointments etc

Be patient if they cancel plans. Be understanding of limitations. Be generous with your understanding and support and let them have the lead with whatever they need from you.

Much love to you all x

I'm very sorry your cousin is going through this.

With regards to his ex wide, it's really not surprising that was her first question. She needs to know for the sake of her child. So please don't judge her too harshly. She has just found out the man she used to love and who is the father of her child has stage 4 cancer.