If you left a relationship where you felt incredibly lonely..

[Therollinghills]

Did you still feel lonely once you were out of it?
I'm leaving DP for a number of reasons. He has never been able or willing to support me emotionally and has a go at me if I ask for emotional support. He doesn't really initiate conversations and has no real interest in me or anything I do. Or in anyone else for that matter. He never shows me care or affection, can't tell how I'm feeling unless I explicitly tell him, and never says anything encouraging or supportive. It just wouldn't occur to him to do so.
I've spent years trying to get him to participate in the relationship and give me what I need, and now I've given up, I feel desperately lonely. I feel tearful when I see couples on TV looking after each other or friends in couples having a laugh together or showing affection. I really long for someone who would be like that with me, but also can't imagine it.
I'm looking forward to fully getting out of the relationship as we're still living together but I'm a bit worried I might feel even worse in terms of loneliness because then I won't have anyone who could give me what I need. I know I can't get it from my ex, but the kind of hope that he might change has kept me from seeing the relationship for what it was, plus he's always blamed me and told me I'm too needy etc . I'm not in a hurry to meet someone else.
I suppose what I'm asking is, is it true that being in an unfulfilling relationship is worse than being on your own?

is it true that being in an unfulfilling relationship is worse than being on your own?

A million times worse. It’s almost 10 years since I got out of mine & I’ve never regretted it.

Although I also realised that I was happiest & healthiest being single.

I'm working on this right now and hope to be able to advise in the next few months! But I'm 100% sure that I'll be less lonely on my own than I am now, and I can't wait.

Thanks @EmpressaurusOfTheScathingTinsel I'm hoping that'll be the same for me!

@Luckingfovely best of luck to you.. It's really hard isn't it. I think I've got so used to being neglected, dismissed and made to feel like my value is low that it just feels comfortable to stay like that.

is it true that being in an unfulfilling relationship is worse than being on your own?

Absolutely!
l ended a 6 year relationship for pretty much these same issues. Whilst I was devastated and it was a hard decision, my self esteem and mental health were slowly being eroded by someone who ‘wouldn’t’ give me what I needed. I can’t say ‘couldn’t’ as the first two years were great so it felt like being a rubbish and emotionally detached partner was something he was actively choosing which was so painful! I now see the truth for what it was… he’d stopped loving me but wasn’t keen to uproot his life and just didn’t care enough to bother trying to improve things despite me regularly making it clear my needs weren’t being met and it slowly spiralled into an unhealthy and soul destroying non-partnership.
3 years on I’ve bought and moved in to my own house and am now feeling happy, settled and super strong. My confidence has returned, I’m financially independent and in control of my own destiny! I took a long time to heal but throughout had my fulfilling job, plenty of hobbies and 2 wonderful adult children plus a strong network of family and friends which kept me busy and not feel too lonely. However it’s not quite the same as having that special someone and I’m now ready to date but I know to look out for red flags and refuse to compromise on my needs. It will absolutely be on my terms! Good luck to you.

Thanks so much @Inaspot21 that's really lovely to hear and encouraging for me. Same here, first 2 years were good, but like you, I think he just can't be arsed with me anymore. He doesn't care if I'm happy as long as I maintain the status quo and stay in the relationship. It's easier for him because I facilitate so much of our shared life. In the past if I've said I'm leaving he will 'improve' but it's never sustained and I can tell its a lot of hard work for him to emotionally engage, and it feels forced. Sad situation.

It is far worse, I thought myself and childhood sweetheart would be forever. He really changed in to the most charmless bastard when he became an adult.
Broke my heart so I buggered off from my home town and retrained in a new career and moved 300 miles away.

I was much happier, could not be doing with men and then a few years later much to my utter shock I met this rather eccentric genius who was interesting enough to hold my attention. He saw me speak at a rally. We got together when I was 30 after me being his mate for 2 years and managing to suss him out. He is now a Professor and was a junior academic when I met him. He has the most beautiful brain I have ever come across though he is a bit weird but I am as well.

You will be fine it’s an adjustment, look on it as a time for new opportunities. Charmless bastard is still charmless living in the rather parochial small town we grew up in, my sister bumps in to him occasionally, I mean it’s such a small place you are bound to.

I might feel even worse in terms of loneliness because then I won't have anyone who could give me what I need

You are supposed to give you what you need. That's your responsibility. That's self respect: recognising your needs, and giving them enough respect to act on them. If you can't do that, work on it. Make it your new project. Project 'You'. You can't really be lonely when you're doing Project You, because you've always got someone looking out for you, trying to meet your needs, trying to find things to offer you to make you feel good, validating you, backing you up, emotionally supporting you, and generally taking responsibility for making sure that you feel good.

Agree. A million times worse.

Don’t be afraid to be single. You can learn a lot about yourself if you take some time out from relationships and go on a journey of spiritual exploration and self discovery. Read, travel, focus on hobbies, learn new skills, get fit(ter), practise yoga, meditate, prioritise self care. Good luck 💜

You'll feel much better op because if you are already feeling bad your partner not caring makes it feel so much worse. Also it feels easier to ask friends and family for support as you aren't worried about them thinking 'why isn't their dp helping them' and they are more aware that you might need someone to check in if you are alone.

Being comfortable single and happy with yourself is the best thing you can do for you.

Learning to love your own company and being content with your own peace is priceless imo.

And taking time to be on your own helps you understand exactly what you do and don’t want going forward and where your boundaries lie in future relationships. Once you’re happy on your own, you won’t settle for crap again.

is it true that being in an unfulfilling relationship is worse than being on your own
Way worse in my case, though my ex is abusive. He only moved out about 6 months ago, I regret not doing it years ago, I feel a lot less lonely than I did when he was here. I was doing it all on my own for years, now Im doing it alone without having to constantly deal with him and his selfish nasty behaviour. Cant wait till I can cut all the financial ties. Being alone isn't necessarily the same as being lonely.

I spent years begging my partner to give me the time of day. It eroded my self esteem and I fell into a depression. Best thing I ever did was end that relationship. I'm a million times happier. Nothing lonelier than being with someone you know deep down doesn't care about you.

I don't know why men stay in relationships when they are no longer happy in them. I think they're cowards. They don't love you but don't want to be on they're own so stay. Very selfish.

You will feel a million times better. My ex became like your dh immediately after the birth of our ds.

In his mind I was to shut up, keep house, raise his son and expect nothing more from him. I spent 2 years trying to put it right before we left.

you can't imagine the relief. I can invite friends around without a thunderous sulk, I could play music and dance in the kitchen with my ds. I can chat to the neighbours or on the phone with friends or meet friends at the weekends or join in ParkRun and not be met with irritation. Life is sooo much better. 🤗

Once you are free, your social li fee will be in your control again.

This is exactly how I feel. I know what I want from a relationship but feel like if I had it I wouldn't feel I deserved it.
I also don't understand why men do this. My ex seems to think we have an agreement where we live as housemates and I make life easier for him whilst he makes no effort to maintain a relationship or to think for himself. He gets really angry when I say I'm not happy with it, as if I shouldn't expect anything better. But I didn't sign up for the situation I've ended up in.

I don't think you will be emotionally worse off without him. I think the worst bit will be going through the grief and accepting that it's over, but it doesn't sound like you will miss him as a person very much.

Where's the joy, the comfort, affection, support and companionship in your relationship? He sounds like a robot.

I was miserable both sides.

It took remarriage before I was okay again

@Meadowfinch This is why I dislike the victim blaming tone of some people when they say 'but why did you pick someone like him'?

I genuinely think that some character traits remain dormant until some life event triggers them, usually traits they've inherited from a parent. I've also seen a few women saying that they thought they had settled down with someone progressive, when actually, it seems like the man either kept silent in those type of conversations or lied about what his true views are. Then, when the woman had kids and is vulnerable, his true, much more dominant self comes out. I call it 'King of the Castle' syndrome. Glad you got out.

No I don't think I will, I think I'll miss all the things I wanted us to be though. He was a lot more fun, supportive and invested in the relationship pre having a child. After when we had less time for ourselves and each other he doesn't seem to see the point in spending time together just us or bothering to maintain a relationship outside of being a family. I've asked him to go out for dinner etc with me and he just looks at me blankly then says yeah, could do. Then that's it unless I push it. Ultimately I don't think he likes being a parent very much, he hates the lack of free time and wants to spend all the time he does have doing his hobbies and things he enjoys which is no longer spending time with me. I can't remember the last time we had a laugh together.

My exh gradually upped his hours at work and even worked in another city for 3 years, only coming home at weekends. At the weekends he did his own thing, and if he did do anything with me and the kids, he'd walk a few feet behind us, not taking part in the conversation. He made decisions without consulting with me, assuming I'd be free to have the kids - he'd inform me at the last minute that he was not going to be there later/that weekend, or he'd just not come home, and would then not answer the phone when I rang to see what was going on. It made it hard for me to plan anything without him, too. If I complained, he acted like I was being difficult. He never apologised if I was inconvenienced. We'd arrange to meet somewhere and then he wasn't there and I had to wait in the rain/dark/cold, and if I said anything he was pissed off.

After we broke up, it was much easier to plan things as I didn't have to hang around waiting for him. I spent much less time feeling disappointed/forgotten/taken for granted. When the kids and I went out, there was no misery guts three steps behind us, looking pissed off.

Since then the kids have grown up and left home. I miss having them around. Never missed my exh; not one moment.

I've had a live-out bf for the last 7 years - we each live in our separate homes and meet up two/three days a week. He's thoughtful, considerate, kind and generous and has not left me feeling forgotten or unjustly treated once. So we don't even live together but I still feel part of a couple far more than I did living with my exh.

Feeling lonely when you're on your own is nothing in comparison to feeling lonely when you're with people.

My most recent ex was exactly like this.
And I'm not grieving or missing the lack of him, but the loss of the dream/fantasy of how it could have been if only he'd stayed as he was in the first couple of years. But he's never managed more than a 4yr relationship, so I should have seen it coming really.

It's not your fault that your DP is emotionally unavailable, and he won't change. You will be happier alone (I have been!) once you adjust to it, and it leaves it open to meet someone who can give you the emotional support you're looking for.

Sending hugs.

Ultimately I don't think he likes being a parent very much, he hates the lack of free time and wants to spend all the time he does have doing his hobbies and things he enjoys which is no longer spending time with me. I can't remember the last time we had a laugh together

So sad :( I don't think it's unusual - some men's ideal of being a parent is just spreading their genes, and that's pretty much it.

I felt utter relief.

Of course, some moments of wishing my ex could have been better, but I was in total acceptance, and frankly really relishing the peace and calm.

Being with someone like that is like death by a thousand little needles, awful!

And then 4 months later, I met someone so attentive and thoughtful, I was a little embarrassed that I had stayed with someone so long who ignored me and only stuck around for the easier life I could provide. Never again!

Ultimately, that next relationship also ended, but it showed me what is possible and that I can be absolutely fine and quite happy in my own company.

Value yourself and believe in yourself! Even if you don’t feel it yet, fake it until you make it, you will become that eventually, and much sooner than you think.

Never allow yourself to get stuck or be disrespected this way again.

Seek the joy in life, it’s definitely out there, just waiting for you to reach for it.

Let's face it, you know he's not going to change, so if you stay with him then there's a 100% chance you'll be lonely for the rest of your life.

The odds can only improve if you leave him.