Hi, I’m 24 and I dated this guy (not for very long) and I ended it. I’m moving on now but I want to educate myself on abuse as I struggle to read people (I have high functioning asd) and I wonder whether this man was abusive. He was 25 and I was 20 at the time.
basically he came on very strong, saying he wanted to see me again after the first hook up (I stupidly decided I wanted to lose my virginity quickly and didn’t think about the dangers). We met on tinder.He said on the first date he wanted to go travelling with me and take me around Europe. He also said he wanted me to meet his grandmother and family at this point. He took me to this very expensive restaurant and bought me gifts that he thought I’d like. He was very attentive and sweet, and was taking lots of photos of me (?)
he took me to meet his family and that’s when I felt really overwhelmed, this was the third time we saw each other. They were nice, I was invited to this relatively large family function so I met some of his extended family well, which was overwhelming but for some reason I went along with it. He was very supportive and he made me feel comfortable, and I genuinely enjoyed talking to his family and honestly warmed to them.
he began to suggest the deodorant I was using was bad so he got me a new one, and he was a bit annoyed that I ate so much sugar and was worried about my health. He brought round loads of vitamin supplements for me to try and also lots of Greek food as he was part Cypriot. He baked me brownies as well and even brought some of his grandmothers dessert he knew I liked all the way to my house from the other side of London one night spontaneously.
He suggested I could do exercises to make my bum bigger, and he said at one point when I’d mentioned I’d gained weight, not to get fat on him. He was just sort of making improvements to things but I don’t know whether this was controlling? I found it annoying at the time but is that something to look out for in the future?
he mentioned that he wanted kids and mentioned getting me a ring and stuff, this was after a few weeks, and even moving to Japan. I found this odd and the ring and kids thing bothered me, as he made it clear he really wanted children and I think was even trying to get me pregnant as he didn’t like using a condom, and when I mentioned it he kind of looked at me as if it was a good thing. I had to badger him to use one which he eventually did. We had a bicker about kids and he implied he really wanted me to be a housewife, and I felt funny about my uni education because he mentioned he really liked the set up where the woman was at home and the man at work. I like reading and he called them my “little books”
I recognise I need to get over this and I sort of am over it, I think it’s because it’s one of the only experiences of a relationship I’ve had that my mind keeps going back to it. He could be really lovely and encouraging but also really conservative. He also was talking to his ex, which he lied about and said wasn’t his ex when it was, who he met on a study abroad and she still lived in that country. He posted a photo of our shoes together on the floor on his Instagram story, and she asked whose shoes they were (they were mine). It was as if they had been talking quite a lot and knew the details about each others lives. I had no clue about her and tried to trust him when he said she was just a girl he knew, but there were photos of her all over his Instagram, so I’m guessing maybe they were in a long distance relationship?
I just don’t want to have a relationship like this again, so I’m looking to avoid it and understand whether these were abusive signs or not.
I hope I don’t sound melodramatic or that I’m seeking attention. Thank you