Husbands mental health behaviour feels like Emotional abuse ? looking for advice

Sophie2024 · 2024-01-26T22:23:33+00:00

So my husbands mental health is at a all time low and he is not taking it seriously nor seeking help , im planning on moving out and he is aware. He has been rude, paranoid and doesnt speak to me nicely. How do i navigate this or stop it so im not feeling like im being emotional abused and feel like im being attacked verbally daily. He apologies the next day , after day but wont stop , prehaps he cant i dunno . I know hes unwell and doesnt set out to treat me like this but im scared ill trigger a episode , im worried about my words my tone so i keep quite but then get told im ignoring him , i cant win 😒I tried yellowrock which did work and put a smile on , it actually made me feel better but it didnt last very long , anything else i can do ? do i call him out each time and say thats not kind or please dont speak to me like that as im afraid it will trigger him ?

sweetpeaorchestra · 26/01/2024 22:49

You’ve said you’re planning on moving out, can you put your energy into this? I know it can be hard to disentangle yourself when in the middle of it. But you need space away from abuse and he needs a wake up call

Cambsguy · 26/01/2024 23:27

Sit him down and calmly say that your relationship is in a mess.

(Assuming you do) tell him you love him and really want to work it out, but unless things start changing the relationship will be over and its his choice...

Good luck

Yougetmoreofwhatyoufocuson · 26/01/2024 23:39

Sometimes people are ill and sometimes they are just being an arse.

B1rd · 26/01/2024 23:43

Your husband is unwell and he is not taking it seriously.
I think you should do the best to keep yourself healthy even if you have a medical condition. If he apologised, then he knows he's not being the best person he can be.
I suspect if you do leave, he will be the best husband ever. Then you need to ask yourself, why he can't respect you enough to do that every day.
I think you should carry on, and leave. We shall be here to hold your hand.

candycane222 · 26/01/2024 23:49

If he isn't seeking treatment then he has effectively decided to carry on like this. That may be his choice, but you too have the choice- as to whether to put up with it or not. I wouldn't I don't think.

If you stay and carry on being treated ao badly and feeling you have to tiptoe around him, There's a good chance you will end up ill yourself. And there's no point in staying for that, is there? Nobody wins, and you lose.

At the moment your marriage, and indeed most of your existence, is all about his misery. Your role appears to be to shut up and recede into nothing. But it isn't making him better. Him getting better is his job. Yours is to protect yourself.

Purpleraiin · 27/01/2024 01:04

I really don't think there is anything you can do, and if there was, I don't think it's worth your wasting your time doing it. I'd be focusing your efforts on moving out ASAP and avoiding any interaction with him tbh.

My partner has EUPD. being totally honest, we went through a stage between knowing there was a problem at play, and getting the diagnosis. During this period he would be emotionally abusive during an episode. The only reason I stood by him and gave him the chance to turn things around was because he actively sought help and engaged in everything he was offered. If he didn't do this then I would have known he didn't give a toss about his own health, and he certainly didn't give a toss about the effect it was having on my own.

Your partner doesn't care about himself, nor you. If he was sorry he would be doing something about his problems. I really don't know what to advise other than disengage as much as possible whilst you are still under the same roof as him. When he starts, perhaps take yourself off out for a walk or drive? Just don't respond or get defensive, he will likely feed off any response you give him and any hurt he can see he is causing you.

Original poster

Sophie2024 · 27/01/2024 17:48

sweetpeaorchestra · 26/01/2024 22:49

You’ve said you’re planning on moving out, can you put your energy into this? I know it can be hard to disentangle yourself when in the middle of it. But you need space away from abuse and he needs a wake up call

Yes i have , will be moving in a rental house but tenant needs to find something which may take months 😞

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Original poster

Sophie2024 · 27/01/2024 17:51

B1rd · 26/01/2024 23:43

Your husband is unwell and he is not taking it seriously.
I think you should do the best to keep yourself healthy even if you have a medical condition. If he apologised, then he knows he's not being the best person he can be.
I suspect if you do leave, he will be the best husband ever. Then you need to ask yourself, why he can't respect you enough to do that every day.
I think you should carry on, and leave. We shall be here to hold your hand.

thank you that means a lot X ive made my decision and need to be strong , im hoping he will wont make it difficult as i will feel enough mum guilt when time comes X

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muchalover · 27/01/2024 18:00

I work in mental health. Being able to be compassionate means prioritising YOUR health over anyone else's. It is ok to say that you don't have the resources to engage with him when he is being awful. It is ok to withdraw your presence if he continues. It is ok you take some time to build your personal resources and resilience back up and it is likely you are far more depleted than you recognize.

Original poster

Sophie2024 · 27/01/2024 18:11

candycane222 · 26/01/2024 23:49

If he isn't seeking treatment then he has effectively decided to carry on like this. That may be his choice, but you too have the choice- as to whether to put up with it or not. I wouldn't I don't think.

If you stay and carry on being treated ao badly and feeling you have to tiptoe around him, There's a good chance you will end up ill yourself. And there's no point in staying for that, is there? Nobody wins, and you lose.

At the moment your marriage, and indeed most of your existence, is all about his misery. Your role appears to be to shut up and recede into nothing. But it isn't making him better. Him getting better is his job. Yours is to protect yourself.

Thank you , I feel like ive tried for last 2 years and his reluctance to get support is making me think , god is this my life now ? i dont think i wouldve gone into a relationship with someone knowing they had mental health problems to be perfectly honest , but he has been very well for 20 years and was happy , content and kind to us and the world , recently hes just angry resentful and cant find his purpose as he says 🙁but how long do you give someone who wont take it seriously ? hes not in denial and is open and honest with his problems , im scared my life will be adding mental health nurse and councillor to my many jobs , im happy to support him and encourage and love him but that must be the extent of it .

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QuarterPastThree · 27/01/2024 18:18

You don't feel like you are being emotionally abused or attacked.

You ARE being emotionally abused and attacked. Just because he has mental health problems doesn't mean that he isn't also abusing you. Your feelings are entirely valid, and you need to do the best thing for yourself now, which is to leave your abuser as soon as possible.

It is not your job to fix him, and you are not responsible for his mental health.

Jasminexx · 27/01/2024 18:19

Hi, me and my partner are pretty confident that he has mental health issues. Awful childhood, mum, sister, cousion all have adhd and his dad has mental health issues too. He won’t get a diagnosis or aww a doctor. Living with him over the years has been a rollercoaster! It’s like Jekyll and hide and at the start I 100% couldn’t figure if it was emotional abuse or if he has embark health issues. I left him and he changed, no alcohol, no smoking, stopped ha hung round with certain friends thag were no good. However as much as things are a lot better it’s still very hard at times and it always will be and I’ve realised that if I stay it is always going to be very hard mentally, emotionally and physically as I find I have to do all organising and most chores etc. Am sorry to say but it never resolves 100% and he will always be who he is even if he changes or will always change back or creep in now and then abs tbh we don’t deserve that. We only have one life and we can’t spend it picking someone else up and being used as an emotional punch bag. I think your doing the right thing by leaving xx

Jasminexx · 27/01/2024 18:20

Sorry lot of auto and incorrect spelling 😂😂 I never proof read it haha typing too fast hope you can make sense of it haha

Original poster

Sophie2024 · 27/01/2024 18:32

Jasminexx · 27/01/2024 18:19

Hi, me and my partner are pretty confident that he has mental health issues. Awful childhood, mum, sister, cousion all have adhd and his dad has mental health issues too. He won’t get a diagnosis or aww a doctor. Living with him over the years has been a rollercoaster! It’s like Jekyll and hide and at the start I 100% couldn’t figure if it was emotional abuse or if he has embark health issues. I left him and he changed, no alcohol, no smoking, stopped ha hung round with certain friends thag were no good. However as much as things are a lot better it’s still very hard at times and it always will be and I’ve realised that if I stay it is always going to be very hard mentally, emotionally and physically as I find I have to do all organising and most chores etc. Am sorry to say but it never resolves 100% and he will always be who he is even if he changes or will always change back or creep in now and then abs tbh we don’t deserve that. We only have one life and we can’t spend it picking someone else up and being used as an emotional punch bag. I think your doing the right thing by leaving xx

We only have one life and we can’t spend it picking someone else up and being used as an emotional punch bag. I think your doing the right thing by leaving xx

Thank you , I needed that X Ive actually said that to him on several occasions that i feel like his emotional punching bag X

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Original poster

Sophie2024 · 27/01/2024 18:44

QuarterPastThree · 27/01/2024 18:18

You don't feel like you are being emotionally abused or attacked.

You ARE being emotionally abused and attacked. Just because he has mental health problems doesn't mean that he isn't also abusing you. Your feelings are entirely valid, and you need to do the best thing for yourself now, which is to leave your abuser as soon as possible.

It is not your job to fix him, and you are not responsible for his mental health.

It is not your job to fix him, and you are not responsible for his mental health.

Thank you X I need to repeat this every day 😘

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Atethehalloweenchocs · 27/01/2024 18:46

Regardless of his MH issues, there is a lot of secondary gain for him in this situation - he gets to do what he wants, and not be held accountable. For your own sake, you need to distance yourself until he sorts himself out. Whether you get back together is up to you, but it has to be with the clear understanding that any repeat of his bad heaviour is a deal breaker for you.

Original poster

Sophie2024 · 07/02/2024 15:26

B1rd · 26/01/2024 23:43

Your husband is unwell and he is not taking it seriously.
I think you should do the best to keep yourself healthy even if you have a medical condition. If he apologised, then he knows he's not being the best person he can be.
I suspect if you do leave, he will be the best husband ever. Then you need to ask yourself, why he can't respect you enough to do that every day.
I think you should carry on, and leave. We shall be here to hold your hand.

So the best husband ever has appeared 😆 happy , smiling , calm and being kind 😬 but I am very aware this doesn't last long and the other side of him will appear soon. I said wow your waking up in a happy mood recently and seem like your heads in a good place , he agreed.

Now I'm questioning my decision to move out 😕 and I can't ! I need to remember how awful and hurt I've been treated . But I seem to have some memory loss 😳 to the actual behaviour and events , just the pain is still there. Is this normal for all the bad behaviour hard to recoil ?

Normally at this point in the cycle we'd have made up and the world is good again as I always hang on tight 🫥 but it feels like something has shifted , I can't explain it .

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Watchkeys · 07/02/2024 18:05

Yougetmoreofwhatyoufocuson · 26/01/2024 23:39

Sometimes people are ill and sometimes they are just being an arse.

They are not mutually exclusive. Sometimes being ill can make somebody behave like an arse.

The point isn't what causes the behaviour, it's what boundaries you have regarding the behaviour. So, it's not about him and what's happening for him. Don't just ignore your own hurt feelings because the person who hurt you isn't well.

candycane222 · 07/02/2024 19:33

Maybe what has shifted is your ability to kid yourself that the "best husband" is enough to make up for the "worst husband" and that overall, it's a tolerable situation.

You might have hit your limit of the number of times you can face going around that cycle yet AGAIN

Original poster

Sophie2024 · 07/02/2024 19:48

candycane222 · 07/02/2024 19:33

Maybe what has shifted is your ability to kid yourself that the "best husband" is enough to make up for the "worst husband" and that overall, it's a tolerable situation.

You might have hit your limit of the number of times you can face going around that cycle yet AGAIN

God thats it 😶pennys just dropped , yes number of times is too many too count maybe thats why i cant recall things clearly , Thank you Candycane222 😘

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candycane222 · 07/02/2024 19:54

👍👍