Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Marriage after baby

39 replies

Polomint2 · 26/01/2024 20:26

Just looking for some advice if possible - I have a 3 month old baby and ever since she has been born my relationship with my husband has went very downhill. Our baby was very much wanted and planned and our relationship was pretty good before baby came. Since baby’s arrival, my husband and I have argued pretty much every week - I’m finding myself dreading spending time together (he works from home so is in the home all the time), he does help with baby and we do have a very good life (no money issues etc) but there is just something going on right now that is making me so annoyed/angry at him - I feel let down by him as I don’t think he is supporting me enough emotionally through post partum - he expects me just to get on with it and be so happy all the time - it’s gotten really bad with arguments and I don’t know what to do

OP posts:
rockstarshoes · 26/01/2024 22:50

I disagree abit with some of these posts tbh

  1. He expects you to do all the house work while you have a 3 month old baby! Not fair, he should be doing his share! 50-50 when he's not at work

  2. Not enough sex - ⬆️ You have a 3 month old baby & you're doing all the house work, Not rocket science is it!

  3. you're not showing enough gratitude for the above!!! Bloody hell!

Does he look after the baby on his own? Give you space to go to the gym, meet your friends?

Pigeonqueen · 26/01/2024 22:53

Is he showing gratitude for the way you’re looking after his child and his home? (To turn it on its head). 🤔🤔

DonnaBanana · 26/01/2024 23:04

The first year of a baby is no time to be making any decisions regarding a marriage. It’s famously hard and both parents just have to get on with it and deal with the relationship later. However this does include him stepping up doing his fair share and not griping about it. He may not feel a close bond to you this year but he should feel the huge responsibilities he has and there’s time for sex etc once you’re out of this phase

helloelsie · 26/01/2024 23:36

We went through this
Feels hopeless
You have to hold on
It will get better

GuruHareKrishna · 27/01/2024 06:16

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Dazedandfrazzled · 27/01/2024 07:08

I think this is all fairly standard so don't think you should feel you are being unreasonable. Pressuring you to have sec after 3 months is pretty pathetic though. If therapy or similar is am option then please pursue this, don't be like me and leave it too long, the resentment gets much worse.

Dazedandfrazzled · 27/01/2024 07:08

I think this is all fairly standard so don't think you should feel you are being unreasonable. Pressuring you to have sec after 3 months is pretty pathetic though. If therapy or similar is am option then please pursue this, don't be like me and leave it too long, the resentment gets much worse.

Didimum · 27/01/2024 09:23

rockstarshoes · 26/01/2024 22:50

I disagree abit with some of these posts tbh

  1. He expects you to do all the house work while you have a 3 month old baby! Not fair, he should be doing his share! 50-50 when he's not at work

  2. Not enough sex - ⬆️ You have a 3 month old baby & you're doing all the house work, Not rocket science is it!

  3. you're not showing enough gratitude for the above!!! Bloody hell!

Does he look after the baby on his own? Give you space to go to the gym, meet your friends?

THIS! This this this.

Why so many posts about it being ‘normal’? It may be common for men to be rubbish when their children are born, but it should never be normalised.

You should not be doing 100% housework and childcare, OP. Everything outside of the standard 9-5 working hours (or whatever his working hours are) should be 50/50. And he doesn’t get to conveniently clock up more unnecessary hours at work to get out of it.

You will feel like having sex when your needs are being met, and when you like him again. The fact he doesn’t see this shows he has very low emotional intelligence – not great for bringing up a family and entering parenthood.

Gratitude for him working? Why? Did he not have a job before? Do all adults not need to work for money regardless of whether they have kids or not? You don’t get a medal for being an adult who goes to work – especially from your wife who also has a job to do. He’s likely grasping at straws to attempt to redeem because he knows he’s being inadequate.

Advocate for yourself, OP. No one is going to do it for you. If he doesn’t make the effort to step up soon, this resentment will stay with you.

PaulCostinRIP · 27/01/2024 11:17

Polomint2 · 26/01/2024 20:45

I just feel so awful, we had an argument tonight and he’s went out and I just have no-one to talk too right now

And there you have it. In times of stress he can cowardly walk out and leave you with baby.

I'm not man bashing but women rarely do this after an argument.

You need to point this out to him that the baby is a constant in your life no matter what, yet he flippantly just bugger off when he can't take the heat.

NoCloudsAllowed · 27/01/2024 11:27

At three months you're thoroughly knackered, all the fuss and presents and visits have petered out, you start realizing it's forever and it's super hard.

Plus at 3 months the baby isn't giving much back to be honest, it's still mainly about feeding, changing, sleep.

You've got to realize you're a unit in this and your baby is a responsibility that comes with lots of hard work, as well as a joyful creature. It gets more fun as the baby can smile and start to play and interact. Your dh needs to build up confidence in looking after the baby on his own.

You also need to look at how roles are divided between you and aim for having the same amount of leisure time. Chores should be shared, he works all day but you work all day and all night.

His attitude of 'you've got your baby, why aren't you happy' is not a good one tbh - you're in it together. The baby isn't a project of yours that he is funding. He'll get out what he puts in.

Early years are super hard but you have to communicate, trust each other and push through.

NoCloudsAllowed · 27/01/2024 11:31

Also think what his parents are like, what did his father do growing up? Some men still think providing money is all they should do in a family. You might have different expectations from your upbringing.

Does he know any other fathers?

I do think some men have a baby, find it all terrifying but don't want to admit that, so hide their heads in the sand and come across as lazy buggers but really they're scared shitless. Maybe that's your husband, maybe he is just not stepping up.

booni13 · 27/01/2024 11:31

I think everyone goes through this after their first baby. It's such a massive change and it's so bloody hard. It does drive a big wedge in the relationship for a long time (in my experience).

We had 2 children in 2.5 years, and we spent a LOT of time arguing and nearly split up several times but we both wanted to be there for the kids so we powered on through.

I'm glad we did as they are now 3&6, and I have to say the last year has been amazing and we get on really well again.

As long as he's not being useless and horrible, I would just power on through with the relationship. It does get better.

Guitarbasher · 27/01/2024 21:31

Polomint2 · 26/01/2024 20:44

I think counselling would be a good idea - I don’t feel like the same person I was pre baby but I think my husband did expect me to be the same and even happier because we finally had our baby

"Women get married assuming the man will change,
Men get married assuming the woman will never change."

An old chestnut but seems to apply here 😂 !

OhPopsicles · 13/03/2024 22:26

Hi @Polomint2

Having been a MN lurker for about a year, I have just joined purely to comment on this post. No idea if I’m doing it right 😬
Anyway, I could identify with your post massively, no advice as I’m still in the thick of it myself, but just wanted you to know that you’re not alone.
Your post is a couple of months old now so you probably won’t see this, but I hope things have improved for you.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page