Marriage after baby

[Polomint2]

Just looking for some advice if possible - I have a 3 month old baby and ever since she has been born my relationship with my husband has went very downhill. Our baby was very much wanted and planned and our relationship was pretty good before baby came. Since baby’s arrival, my husband and I have argued pretty much every week - I’m finding myself dreading spending time together (he works from home so is in the home all the time), he does help with baby and we do have a very good life (no money issues etc) but there is just something going on right now that is making me so annoyed/angry at him - I feel let down by him as I don’t think he is supporting me enough emotionally through post partum - he expects me just to get on with it and be so happy all the time - it’s gotten really bad with arguments and I don’t know what to do

I totally sympathise. Having such a young baby is hard. What is the argument about?

Have you considered marriage counseling, it sounds like having a third party involved could help you communicate better. Also I don't think your issues are that uncommon. Studies have shown that having the first child is a big stressor on marriage as you both can find yourselves in gender roles you weren't expecting and/or you both are running on assumptions about what your marriage would look like with a a baby.

You are so not alone feeling like this after a baby.

After I had my DD some years ago, I remember feeling this immense pressure to be me again, or the persona I was prior to being a mum.

Honestly it never happened because I changed, and I am sure you feel this way too. Motherhood, regardless of circumstances, changes you. Most of the time the men are unchanged by it, yes they will partake but are not really getting the memo that us women we need time to bounce back, feel sexy again and generally be fun, I mean I did anyway, felt this pressure though to be back in my jeans, back being bubbly but I was so sleep deprived and hardly ate due to being so overwhelmed by all the changes and my little human. While my then partner was just meeting friends, taking up a new hobby and yeah life resumed pretty much unchanged for him.

The arguments are about everything -

him not helping around the house (I do all the housework which I don’t mind but it’s a lot when I have the baby now too)

not having sex or being intimate (I just feel too exhausted to do this but to be honest I do have a pretty low sex drive)

me not feeling appreciative for him working and providing for us (I am grateful but am probably not expressing this right now because I’m finding it so difficult to be nice to him)

this is just a few examples - overall he thinks I should not be feeling like this and should be happy with our life and it is annoying him that I might get angry at him/snap at him if I’m feeling stressed.

I think counselling would be a good idea - I don’t feel like the same person I was pre baby but I think my husband did expect me to be the same and even happier because we finally had our baby

Is it the classic, he feels left out now your priority is the baby?

Some men don't like the sudden shift away from them.

Is he saying you don't give him enough attention?

Do you have any together time without baby?

It's hard as no one wants to leave their young baby in the care of others.

I just feel so awful, we had an argument tonight and he’s went out and I just have no-one to talk too right now

I don’t think he feels left out - I think he just expects me to be the happiest I have ever been right now and it’s hard! We haven’t had any alone time yet - I don’t like the idea of leaving baby now but maybe I should

For a start, he's not "helping" with the housework or looking after his own child.

These are basic expectations from a partner/parent. Perhaps he also believes it isn't his responsibility and when he does anything, he's doing you a favour. 🤨

This is far more normal than you may realise op. I know you will probably be too tired to read a book, but ‘how not to hate your husband after kids’ was a book someone bought us as a joke and DH and I both read it and got a lot out of it! Just normalising the whole experience of things really breaking down and the different pages you can both be on. In my experience, most couples struggle a lot during the first year. Both your lives are forever changed, a bomb has gone off in your lives, be kind to yourself and him as you try to adjust.

I have a three month old (and a seven year old). It's pretty normal to hate your partner at times when you have a baby. No sex or alone time at all here, but that will eventually happen again. I hope you can work through it.

Thank you - I can acknowledge that this is a massive change in our life so will be up and down but my husband doesn’t think it should be affecting us this much

Thank you - it feels very difficult right now but I hope we can work it out too

I am just doing a systematic review on post partum depression. Whilst the review is on women, I had not realised that it occurs in around 1 in 10 men (as in 1 in 10 have significant and diagnosable depression following birth). I say this because it is not that uncommon that you are both really suffering and then arguments will happen in the best of relationships. First children are such a challenge for a marriage. You have all the excitement and expectation and then the baby arrives and very soon you are tired and feel like shit and often like you have not a clue what to do.

Anyway, there is a real danger I get preachy. Hang in there. I wish I could offer some advice that would make it all easier but I cannot beyond saying that however hard it is keep talking and try to keep focussing on what you love about each other rather than what is bad. And don’t be scared to ask for help from relationship counsellors.

Honestly I could have written your post about the reasons behind your arguments. I have had exactly the same issues with my husband since we had our baby. She is 16 months now and we are in a better place, but it is still hard and we argue about the things you mention. If I had read your post during our first year of our daughter, I would have felt relief that someone else was experiencing the same issues.

I completely agree with the poster who said that our life changes immeasurably, but his life stays the same.

I don't know why he expects that you should appreciate that he is working. You are working too (but not being paid!). Working your job vs looking after a baby/ home just do not compare. I know which one I find more tiring & difficult.

I haven't had counselling, but I have found that open conversation helps. Try to stay calm and explain to him how you are feeling. I found my husband just hadn't realised some of things I felt were obvious. It is still really early days and you are adjusting, so give yourself time. He needs to help you more as you can't be expected to do everything. You need to learn to work together as a team (or he does anyway!).

Thank you - it’s good to know that others have felt the same! I do try to communicate how I feel but it always ends in an argument unfortunately - I’m probably not speaking in a really calm way but husband always sees it as me saying he is doing things wrong/not enough - it feels like me against him right now, we are definitely not a team

I wish I had someone to talk too but I don’t - my husband is the person I would want to go to for advice but he has no empathy for me right now. I don’t really have any close friends to talk too and am not comfortable being vulnerable around my parents/siblings

Hears an article which shows how common your experience is as a couple.

https://www.gottman.com/blog/bringing-baby-home-the-research/

Remember it's very early days, only 3 months in with a new baby, the situation can dramatically change for the better, particularly if you get some help to understand each other better.

DH and I often say our marriage was forged in the year after DS1 was born. Until then we’d been merrily scooting along in parallel and now we had to both adjust. It nearly broke us but coming through it made us so much stronger. Best of luck sorting things.

I could have wrote this. When I had my first baby I felt the the same as you and my DH felt the same as yours. I swear I hated him for probably 6 months. It was full on hormones and life change while he carried on living his life and getting the fun bits with the baby. But once a routine got established and I explained how I felt and told him what I needed from him we muffled through. Things got easier once the baby started sleeping better and the feelings of hating him went away. Spoke with my friends and my new mum friends about it all and they all said the same that they literally can't stand thier partners as their husbands just 'aren't getting it' but they all worked through it too and now we laugh about it

I hope we can get to the stage where we laugh about it - that feels very unlikely right now though

The Gottmans are two Professors at the University of Washington in Seattle who have studied marriage and realtioships for 25+ years. They have done longitudinal studies with thousands of parents. They wrote this book to help parents once they realised how 2/3 of marriages suffer serious relationship difficulties when the first baby arrives.

https://www.gottman.com/product/and-baby-makes-three/

I remember the shock of finding DH could just get up, shit, shower and shave, and leave the house in 20 minutes where with a young baby I couldn't do that anymore! I definitely resented him, although he is a great dad and was just going to work.

I have been there and know that it feels like there is no way out of this downward spiral but get some self care and talk talk and talk some more to your DH. Tell him what's on your mind, tell him how you feel ask him how he feels. Do it calmly and preferably in the morning not in the evening before the tiredness of the day gets to you both. Maybe you could order a takeaway out some candles on and have a movie night one evening for some quality time. You are really at early doors right now and things can and will get better. ❤️‍🩹
If you do think there's something more going on then always speak to the GP or the midwife or a health Vistor. Maybe a little counselling or medication may be an option IF there is something more going on such as post natal depression

I think it is very normal to argue when you have your first baby. For one thing, I was resentful of the extra sleep my DH got as I was breastfeeding. I managed this by telling my DH that if I was up during the night feeding, then it was his turn in the morning. We fought over everything, I just didn’t quite trust that he would look after baby to my liking. The bath was too hot etc. I think as a mom, this protective feeling overwhelms us. I also was resentful of how my body had changed and his had not. I think as mothers we also have more time to adjust to the big changes that are coming whereas dads don’t get that until baby is here and there is a period of adjustment. I don’t think my DH had a bond with our baby for several months as they were just getting to know each other. Anyway, sorry for the long message but stick with it. You need to learn to become a team. Tell him what you need from him. Don’t criticise but just lay it out. Everyone is learning right now. It’s a whole new dynamic but you will find your way.