Should I fight for this friendship?

[Bishbashbosh123]

Hey everyone,

Would appreciate some advice/perspective about whether I should fight for this friendship or whether I should take the hint and move on.

I met my best friend at uni around 15 years ago. Once we met we were inseparable and my uni experience was so much better with her in it. After uni, although we didn't live in the same town, we saw each other really regularly doing loads of fun stuff at weekends. I got married and she pretty much planned the whole hen do, making it super special and she was by my side throughout the whole wedding, she was amazing. After this, she moved quite a distance away and I noticed it was becoming more difficult to keep in touch. She has never been great with her phone, but I was finding that I was always the one messaging first, she wouldn't respond for ages or just not at all. I went to visit her several times after she moved but she didn't reciprocate.

She got engaged and married. I planned her hen do and was by her side at the wedding - I wanted to make her feel as special as she had made me feel. I think I managed it!

We continued as we were, with me making most of the effort and not getting much back. We both got pregnant and since then it's been almost impossible to keep in touch! We haven't even met each others children. I found our messages became superficial. She would always ask after me and after answering her questions and asking after her she wouldn't respond. I felt a little like her messages were just fishing for information rather than being genuinely interested. I also realised I knew nothing about her life anymore as she just wouldn't share anything despite me asking several times. Anyway, I have just found out she is pregnant again - a mutual friend told me and this has upset me. We once told each other everything and now she didn't even tell me she was pregnant. I genuinely don't think I have done anything to upset her, I just think she can't be bothered anymore, which is really sad to think about. She was such a special person to me and I can't understand why I wasn't to her. Is it time to let go?!

My university best friend and bridesmaid ghosted me. She hasn’t met my children. She made excuses not to meet and stopped messaging. I stopped making any effort to see what happened and she noticeably didn’t try and get in contact. It was painful and I don’t know what I did wrong but it was best to move on.

That sounds really sad, you've been through so much together and been through huge life events so that's really sad. In all honesty though it just sounds like you've drifted apart due to no longer being able to see each other and having different lives. I've actually got a very similar situation with a previously really good friend, her eldest is my goddaughter but she moved away very soon after she was born several years ago and I can count on one hand how many times I've seen her since. We have occasional text catch ups but similar to what you said she often doesn't answer my questions or gives very short answers and I don't really know anything about her life anymore.

I don't think you have to give up on your friendship but accept a new kind of friendship which is different to what you had previously as your lives are very different now

One of my bridesmaids has done the same thing. We were really close once. I was a bridesmaid at her wedding too. She lives local and I tried to stay in contact by messaging her but I either received a short sweet message or nothing at all. We still see each other occasionally through mutual friends but it will never be the same as it used to be. We've not fallen out and there are the same promises with each text and at every mutual gathering to stay I touch. I text and nothing so now the ball is in her court as far as I'm concerned. I'd be there if she really needed me but now won't go out of my way to make an effort. It feels like I'm forcing something.

So sorry that has happened. I’ve lost my very close school friend of 30 years in a similar way. Suddenly no matter what I ask I don’t get told anything and there’s no asking after myself and my family. I will send a message, at some point might get sent a reply and then when I reply never ever get a reply, I’m not even worthy of that. Friend won’t meet up with me at all anymore, just enquired about this year and got told an instant no….for the entire year.

The only thing to do is distance yourself from it and put yourself first. If she does make contact and start including you and being the person you once knew that’s lovely if it’s genuine, but think of yourself first.

Just look at the friendship in a new light. Keep the warm feelings for her but allow the physical distance to work its way between you.

I think it’s very hard to keep friendships going if you don’t see someone.

I have a friend who keeps her distance now.

I think I know what I did, but I'm only guessing and if I'm right, I only realised after so much time had passed that I think it's far too late to make amends.

I wish she'd just told me what was going on at the time so that I could've been more supportive and helpful to her. In the end, I was a crap friend, but I know why she didn't tell me. I'm sad and sorry, but also I don't know if I'm right or not...so it remains unspoken and I feel regret about it.