Booked a mini trip

[Bilbobagg1ns]

Hello,
i decided to go on a trip abroad with a friend.
i do things once or twice a year with this friend and haven’t been abroad in five years. I used to go a lot but had a daughter/ covid happened etc. but plan to sort out her passport soon.
i sorted childcare for the suggested dates as my partner works late.
And said to him “oh me and thingy are gonna go to Barcelona… we were going to go to other city in Europe but it’s cheaper to go to Barcelona. child can stay with blah blah
it’s a long weekend away in the summer holidays when I work in a school, lots of work and have extra money this year and the whole summer holidays off.
he went mad and told me that going on holiday with friends is immature? That were supposed to do things as a family etc etc.
He stopped talking to me but then seemed to move on.
it came up again as we were discussing the date of something and he’s now not spoken to me for two days as “we are supposed to do things as a family and obviously I don’t care about that”
Granted I didn’t really discuss the trip with him first but I don’t when I do other things such as music festivals so I didn’t think he would care???
I genuinely didn’t think he would be bothered and his reaction has been quite a shock.

In all fairness, it should have been an open discussion, I'd be pissed too if my husband decided with minimal discussion he was fucking off for a ling weekend.

Not because he was going, but the lack of respect surrounding having a discussion. Should you be able to go? Absolutely, that's not in question.

But I think you really should have discussed it in detail.

Honestly this relationship's communication is dreadful. You want to go away for a few days and that's fine but it affects him and the kids and it should have been discussed first. even as simple as "do you mind if i go away for a couple of days in the summer". He in turn should not be giving you the silent treatment, it's a dreadful way of communicating and resolves nothing. You need to sit and discuss things

Even if i am just going out for the day or even a few hours i check in with my husband before i book anything ESPECIALLY if it means he's watching the kids alone. If you don't check in with each other how do you know you're not both planning something on the same day and will get stuck.

Finally, does this trip have any impact on your ability to go away as a family either financially or time wise? If so then you are definitely a jerk for not discussing it

No he does not have to watch the kid alone, he works all weekend anyway so we don’t see him and usually will stay at my mums one of the nights.
it also doesn’t affect financially being able to go away together as I have saved alot of money this year and I have said that to him.
i also hadn’t booked the trip yet when I brought it up.
it might be abit of a weird relationship but tbh I don’t generally assume he will do the childcare, if I go away or to a gig or something I ask family.

As long as your trip to Barcelona doesn't mean that you can't do a family trip or weekend away all summer then the fact you are going is fine.

Definitely should have consulted him first though in my opinion, I'd be so annoyed if my partner just told me he had gone ahead and booked a weekend away with his friends without even mentioning it to me beforehand. Just out of courtesy.

I get your point but it wasn’t actually booked yet if that makes a difference. I said we were thinking of…

I assume he's not that Dad as you talk about I'm doing childcare for you and you sorting out where she'll be all weekend etc?

He is the dad, he does nursery run etc but would hasn’t had the child overnight alone.

@Bilbobagg1ns oh I thought it was booked.

In that case it sounds like he is being petty but I do get where he's coming from in thinking that you should prioritise doing things as a family. But you may already be doing lots of family things, in which case he's being unreasonable.

I just told him the dates and plans… it wasn’t booked yet. I have plenty of money and time to do other things as a family. He doesn’t have a passport and I have suggested him and child getting one.

He shouldn't be ignoring and sulking but the communication in your relationship sounds awful both ways.

It might not be booked but it virtually is. You've got dates, you've sorted out where your shared child will be going, you're telling him you're going so not having booked is a technicality.

No choice given to him about his child and if he wants to see her that weekend or take time off? Perhaps in your defense he's usually ambivalent and doesn't have much input. Either way I think you have some fundamental issues that need addressing

It’s a fair point thank you for
your honesty.
i don’t really know where to go after this though… silent treatment will just go on and then what?

I think you should discuss it before booking, not in an asking permission sort of way, but just to give a heads up - since you never know if something might actually be happening that weekend that he hadn't yet communicated with you. I would want to have a say in where my kids are. I'd be annoyed if dh just sent them off with someone else for the weekend without discussing it first, even if I was planning to work. But now you have and he knows the plans.

But that said, nothing wrong with a holiday without the family! I take a holiday (abroad usually) by myself every year. Last year I went to Spain for a walking holiday for 10 days. Dh at home with young children and no childcare help doing that time. Absolutely fine and normal. He also goes away with his DB and friends usually at least once a year. We have family holidays too. All completely fine and normal. We're together all the time, so great for us each to have time away to do things that aren't just 'family stuff'.

Definitely think you speak to your partner before arranging a trip but he’s acting like a child.

And as you say you want family holidays but he’s not made the effort to apply for a passport - hardly a huge effort to get a photo taken and complete a form is it?

There’s no issue going away with friends as well as doing family stuff. And as for ‘immature’ well I’d say sulking and giving silent treatment fits that description

Can you not ask him to sit and talk to you tonight properly once the baby is down? Apologise for what's yours - not conferring with him re your daughter and dates. You're right there's nothing wrong with you going away but invite him to share his concerns. How is it different to of he wants to go on a stag weekend next week? Point out you're happy for him to do the same.

"He went mad and told me that going on holiday with friends is immature? That were supposed to do things as a family etc etc.
He stopped talking to me but then seemed to move on.
it came up again as we were discussing the date of something and he’s now not spoken to me for two days as “we are supposed to do things as a family and obviously I don’t care about that”

These are all red flags re your man here and his silent treatment towards you is his way of "punishing" you for your transgression in his head. It is not immature to go away with friends. He's probably the sort who does not actually you going out at all or if you do you are with him and your child. He is acting like a control freak and such controlling behaviour from him is abusive in nature. Abuse too is not about communication or a perceived lack of either, its about power and control and he wants absolute here. He is your Mr Wrong and he is the one, not you, who does not care about doing things as a family unit.

Do also read "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft. Your man is in those pages.

Why doesn't he have his own child overnight ?

Silent treatment is abuse

I dunno, I'd be pissed off with my DH if he booked a trip without discussing it first. It's just respectful.

He just doesn’t… I have asked before and he says that it is “his time off” so the child goes to family.

You both sound a bit semi-detached, to be honest. Which is fine if it works, as it certainly does for some people. Do you live togerther full-time? it's weird that he has never had his daughter overnight - how come that's 'his' time off?
Most people who cohabit don't 'always' send their child to a relative when one of the couple is away, as you do, children are generally seen to be a joint responsibility!
I see you do go away from time to time but do you get a similar amount of 'time off' as he does?

Given all the things you've said in your various comments, he clearly doesn't see the need to "do things as a family" - one rule for him, another for you, which is at best wildly unreasonable, but quite likely to be borderline abusive/controlling.

I agree it would be "normal" in most relationships to discuss before making big plans like that, but this doesn't sound like a healthy partnership in the first place.

And as you've got money for your own trip and family trips, and haven't even asked him to do the bare minimum of looking after his own child while you're away, in the circumstances I feel his complaints are quite unreasonable...

Sounds more like he's feeling "you're not allowed to have fun" or "I don't like not being front and centre of everything" than a genuine complaint about lack of family time, given everything you've said...

No… my time off is spent being childcare, hence a part of why I have gone into teaching as I can take care of her. I had a long maternity leave so have definitely become “default parent”

Op did he actually want a baby? I mean how is doing the school run in his time off from work different to being in the house alone with her when she sleeps? I'm assuming he doesn't do bed routine etc. I don't think I could be with someone who has so little interest in his own kid. I'd understand it just about if this was a step parent.

He does help with bed routine, making her tea etc. but just doesn’t really have her alone for extended periods.