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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I being controlling? Asking too much?

14 replies

Violet1964 · 26/01/2024 08:03

So me and my partner live together and both work, half of the week his son is with us. I do 14 hour shifts so a few nights of the week am out the house until late. Anyway. Tuesdays is one of my days off and a night that he doesn't have his son, so it's an evening I really enjoy us having quality time alone together. He has now decided he wants to start a martial arts class 2 nights a week, one of them being the Tuesday. Originally he said if he enjoyed it he would just go to the Thursday night one so we would still get Tuesday nights together, but now he's decided he is going to do both. I am really upset by this as it feels like I'm not a priority to him. I suggested why doesn't he do them on the nights I'm at work, as there are other classes he could go to. He is now saying I'm being controlling and stopping him from doing something that's good for him.....which isn't the case I want him to do them, just not on the Tuesday night because its a night I really look forward to spending with him. Am I asking too much for him to change it to another night? Is that controlling?

OP posts:
notjustthe · 26/01/2024 08:06

I think a more important conversation to have with him is why he doesn’t want to spend this one available night with you

what time would he be back from the class

notjustthe · 26/01/2024 08:08

do you get weekends together

how many nights are you actually out for?

Fireyflies · 26/01/2024 08:08

I don't think it's controlling to tell him you like spending time with him and ask why he couldn't do the class on a day you work. What's his answer? Is the class different somehow? Would he be missing out on time with his son? DH and I have had many conversations over the years about how much it's reasonable to be out Vs with eachother or with kids. It's a tricky balance sometimes but I'm not sure accusations of being "controlling" are all that helpful

GreekDogRescue · 26/01/2024 13:21

are you sure it isn’t him who is the controlling one

MightyGoldBear · 26/01/2024 13:37

GreekDogRescue · 26/01/2024 13:21

are you sure it isn’t him who is the controlling one

This!! Whenever someone whips out "you're being controlling" to something that seems pretty reasonable I'd be questioning if there is some projection going on.

Do you do clubs/hobbies op? What does he do on the nights you're working? What's he trying to protect there as that would be the logical time to do a club 🤔

mrandmrsrobinson · 26/01/2024 13:38

^ THIS

If he hasn't got the sense to work this out for himself he needs dumping...

Windymcwindyson · 26/01/2024 13:40

Do you help with his dc? Make those nights your free time and find a hobby too...

AlisonDonut · 26/01/2024 13:46

Do you really want to spend time with someone who doesn't want to spend time with you?

Bookworm20 · 26/01/2024 13:52

Its a bit odd that on the only night you have together he wants to swan off and do a hobby. Not controlling at all to ask why he can't go on another day.
What does he say when you ask him that? And when you ask him doesn't he want to spend that one night with you?
Its not called controlling, its called compromise. Give and take.
He sounds quite selfish tbh. He wants to do what he wants and if you question it, you're controlling? Really weird conclusion for him to come to!

Blondebutnotlegally · 26/01/2024 14:20

Going against the grain...

He can't go when he has his son, so the times he can go are limited (not to mention the class availability).

When else is he supposed to go? Presumably you see him when his son is in bed and get quality time then. Maybe he sees that as enough and needs a hobby

Violet1964 · 26/01/2024 17:02

He can go when he has his son, his son is a teenager now, so is able to be left alone for a few hours and he's also the age now where he's barely bothered about spending time with his dad.
In the week I work 14 hour shifts Mondays and Wednesdays, Thursdays and Fridays his son is with us. He doesn't have a "bed time" a lot of the time he stays up later than us. I just don't think asking for one night in the week is too much?

OP posts:
Violet1964 · 26/01/2024 17:06

The nights I'm working he will be at home!! Doing nothing......his son will be here one of the nights, but as I said he is a teenager now and isn't bothered about spending time with his dad. He used to go to the gym and done it on the nights he had his son, so I don't think that can be used as, an excuse. I do have hobbies and see friends. But usually in the day when he's at work.

OP posts:
notjustthe · 26/01/2024 18:32

yes but on the nights your working… presumably his class isn’t on

OP you can’t force someone to want to spend the evening with them

Aquamarine1029 · 26/01/2024 18:40

What about Saturday and Sunday night?

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