Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex partner is furious about child support

20 replies

Holiday2024 · 25/01/2024 22:09

I’ve been limiting contact with my ex to keep things civil. I’m pregnant with our second child and he doesn’t even know the due date (this goes to show how distant he is) he told me he was falling out of love with me Xmas day and that he hasn’t thought of the baby. We share a DC together who is 3. He hardly bothers with her only when it suits him…

anyway today was the day I grew some balls and told him I’m going to go through child support. We tried to agree an amount but I knew what he was offering was way less than what I would get if went through csa.

He knew this that’s why he was so pushy to make arrangement between us both. I was happy to accept the lower amount but then he started saying how he was going to deduct things for this and that out of the maintenance money. I told him csa is the route I’m going to keep it fair and to avoid conflict! Well… it’s made things worse! He is being disrespectful to me and really nasty. Really starting to wish I didn’t start the process although I need the help financially. i feel like a bad person!!!!!

OP posts:
Yetanothernamechangeagain · 25/01/2024 22:13

Hold your nerve and repeat the mantra - the csa money is for the children

good luck

pinkyredrose · 25/01/2024 22:15

You did the right thing.

AdoraBell · 25/01/2024 22:17

Don’t back down. Use the CSA, or whatever it’s called now, and tell him the child is support is for supporting his child/children

sprigatito · 25/01/2024 22:22

CMS is the absolute bare minimum. Any decent father would see it as a starting point, not weasel around trying to shave bits off it.

Ignore his pathetic impotent tantrums and take him to the cleaners. If he didn't want to support two children he should have put his wellies on.

Purpleraiin · 25/01/2024 22:34

Stick to your decision! I've been in your position. 3 times I withdrew my application to cms all because he kept kicking off. I wanted life to be stress free, amicable and not feel like I'm the reason the ex was so angry and miserable. 4th time I put the application in I finally saw it through and I've not heard a peep out of him since in regards to money.
I think they just kick off and get angry because they know that's what makes you back down and they get the better deal that way. If you see it through, he will realise his tantrums will no longer get him what he wants

janeintheframe · 25/01/2024 22:38

Child maintenance is not a target it’s the bare minimum, if he doesn’t even want to pay that he’s a piece of shit, hold firm, don’t let him get away with not doing the bare min to suport his own children, for their sake.

NamingConundrum · 25/01/2024 22:42

It's the minimum, and though he's kicking off now if you see it through I'd have thought it would calm down. Once he's made to pay there is nothing he can do so he's ramping all the pressure now before its ordered. If you back down he'll know he can bully you into doing what he wants. Stand firm, he'll be ordered to pay then there's nothing he can do about it and he'll know not to mess you about.

waterSpider · 25/01/2024 23:03

A child on the way, so it's just the 18 years of child maintenance to go ...
CMS is the agency. Around 16% is the proportion of earnings mandated, though subject to other kids, child care, etc.
It's not really a 'bare minimum' - it could be pennies, it could be thousands, depending on his earnings. But it is the legal amount, though you can choose a different amount.

londonmummy1966 · 25/01/2024 23:03

If you back down now you will achieve 2 things - first he will continue to hassle you on a regular basis about deductions simply because he can. Secondly every time you want to do something he doesn't agree with he will kick off because he knows it works. So you have a choice - put up with it for now and go through CMS and he'll have less ability to create problems in the future, or cave in now and leave him knowing that all he has to do to et his own way is to kick off.

Short term pain for long term gain.

Tilandsia · 25/01/2024 23:19

Even if you go through CMS, you have the option to do an arrangement between yourselves (direct pay) or have them collect the payments on your behalf (collect and pay which also has a 20% fee on top for the paying parent and 4% from the receiving parent). The benefit of going through CMS even for direct pay is that if they default, it’s much quicker for them to switch the case to collect and pay. IME, it can take months to set up a new claim so do it asap.

So sorry he’s being an arse op. Mine are teenagers now and can’t be arsed with their deadbeat. They know he didn’t do his part, including avoiding child maintenance. My kids haven’t forgotten the ‘poor years’ but we laugh about it now and they know I did my best with what I had.

solice84 · 26/01/2024 05:22

I ended up having to do the same
But be warned I still haven't had a penny
I've not had a cent from him since June
He is playing every trick in the book
I've since asked then to collect from his wage but still nothing seems to be happening

Also , only communicate via email
Block him on everything else
Keep all the emails

doitwithlove · 26/01/2024 05:25

Hold the Reins gal, go f

doitwithlove · 26/01/2024 05:28

Posted too soon, go for the maximum you can

GreatGateauxsby · 26/01/2024 05:32

Go through CMS it's a pitance compared to what any decent man would pay / the real costs involved.
The fact he is trying to pay even less speaks to what a scumbag he is.

Set the claim up now, today.

I have said it before on here but the most beautiful thing about breaking up with my ex was I just didn't have to give 2 shits about what he wanted or how he felt anymore....!!! 🎉🎊

let him be angry... So what?
It's just not just problem anymore.

If he is being abusive tell him you are blocking him and put all Comms through email

BCBird · 26/01/2024 05:33

I know a man who was asked by his ex to make a private payment arrangement. He refused saying would prefer to go through proper channels. In this way u have a record of payment. U r not subject to his whim. Whether u need the money is irrelevant. It is his responsibility to provide for his children. I eould try and communicate by text then if the behaviour is not hood u have a written record for police.

DeeLusional · 26/01/2024 05:40

Tilandsia · 25/01/2024 23:19

Even if you go through CMS, you have the option to do an arrangement between yourselves (direct pay) or have them collect the payments on your behalf (collect and pay which also has a 20% fee on top for the paying parent and 4% from the receiving parent). The benefit of going through CMS even for direct pay is that if they default, it’s much quicker for them to switch the case to collect and pay. IME, it can take months to set up a new claim so do it asap.

So sorry he’s being an arse op. Mine are teenagers now and can’t be arsed with their deadbeat. They know he didn’t do his part, including avoiding child maintenance. My kids haven’t forgotten the ‘poor years’ but we laugh about it now and they know I did my best with what I had.

Not a penny in 17 years. Except both of mine love their dad and everyone thinks what a great guy he is. I bite my tongue a lot.

BCBird · 26/01/2024 05:44

If the dads don't pay who does? They should be hounded if they have the funds

SisterSabotage · 26/01/2024 06:02

You have done everything right and he is reminding you why the relationship ended. Keep communication to bare minimum.

quisensoucie · 26/01/2024 08:52

So he's being nasty
This is for YOUR CHILDREN. stop being wussy, get what you are entitled to

BoohooWoohoo · 26/01/2024 08:55

The only mistake you made is telling him that you were going to do it. So what he’s unhappy? He has a financial obligation to his kids and the CMS amount is the minimum that he should be paying. Going through CMS means no more discussions about money and as you say it’s fair.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page