Living with STBXH whilst awaiting financial settlement

[Oldhag5]

Any advice for getting through this period?
It’s hell! He announced just after Christmas he wants out of the marriage, there has been a lot of emotional abuse, harassment and coercive control, looking back I realise this has happened throughout the marriage but it has now got worse. Three kids being badly affected by this, they’ve witnessed a lot of his behaviour towards me that they shouldn’t have to have done. He comes and goes as he pleases, not telling them when he’ll be back, hardly spends any time with them (yet tells them they’re the most important things) they are all so upset with him their contempt is quite clear for anyone (but him) to see. The atmosphere is terrible, I asked him to go and stay with his parents for the sake of the children (I am the primary carer, never left them with him for even a night as they wouldn’t want that and there has been a lot of alcohol abuse during the relationship) he says he has been advised not to leave. He’s sleeping on the sofa now but leaves his stuff everywhere around the house, never clears up after himself yet accuses me of being emotionally abusive if I ask him to put his bedding away in the morning because the children don’t like to see it. They are terrified they’ll have to spend overnights with him because he shouts at them. The situation is just awful. We had a couple of marriage counselling sessions, he was very clear that the marriage was over but then when I told him a couple of days ago I was filing for divorce he went mad and said I hadn’t given the counselling a chance, why couldn’t we separate. He said maybe we could have a nesting arrangement so he could keep all his stuff in the house, then he wants 50/50 custody, he’s showing no sign of being in a hurry to leave and we can’t even begin to look at a financial settlement until his pension valuation comes through, I’m looking at being stuck in this situation for months, maybe longer if it ends up we have to sell the house. The kids desperately want to stay in their home, he says it’s not just about them it’s about him too and he wants enough money to have his own house, he doesn’t want to live in a flat. The only way to fulfill his wishes is to sell the house and both of us rent from the equity. So we’ll end up losing everything we’ve worked for. Well he could possibly buy another house, I couldn’t as I’m the part time earner and do the childcare…
Thanks for reading if you’ve got this far, I’m just after any words of wisdom for how to get through this next period…

Hello OP, I am sorry you are going through this. Although your situation is a bit different than mine, I recently went through living together for four months after separation and I know it can be very difficult. I do not understand you stbx though. If he is the one who instigated separation, why is he complaining now.

I cannot say I can help a lot, but I can tell you what I was doing…everything and anything I could think of. We separated during Covid so this made it more challenging as we were not allowed to socialize and were mostly working from home. I made sure I was going out for walks and stuff, as much as I possibly could. I was in therapy, weekly, I was doing yoga twice a week and meditating, daily, heck, I started reading a bible for the first time in my life. Literally anything that will help me stay sane. It was really hard. I was the one who asked for separation and it happen to be a very difficult personal and professional time for my ex, so I felt very guilty about it and he did not make it easier for me. We have three kids, all grown up, but still living with us and he did not want to tell them right away, but I did not want to sleep with him in the same bed anymore, so I slept in the same room but on the floor, for four months!!! Having him there and my own thoughts, and worrying that the kids will barge in and find me on the floor, was hell. I literally was not sleeping at all. He said he would not move out until he found something cheap and so it could have been a very long time, but he ended up leaving after four months.

Do whatever comes to your mind that may help your mental health these days. Go out, see friends and family, eat your comfort food and keep putting one foot in front of the other. This too shall pass. Hugs❤️

Thank you for taking the time to reply. Must have been hideous sleeping on the floor. I don’t understand him either, unless the financial reality of the situation is dawning on him. One foot in front of the other is good advice!

Surely the most obvious thing is that he's having an affair and wants to carry on doing so without the guilty conscience (hence the "separation").

But, still wants the home comforts that you provide, so stays in the home and is outright shocked that you would want to divorce him as he considers himself a prize.

Crack on with the divorce, he's unlikely to get 50/50 as is showing no evidence of wanting or being able to do that.

Put it in a text to him, that you're willing to do 50/50 and he can take his first week next week. Explain that he's responsible for all childcare, school drop offs and pick ups, lunch boxes, school uniforms, dinners etc and you'll do it the week after. I bet he doesn't snap up that offer.

Use his (hopefully written) response (probably around work/not having the time/having other commitments) to show your solicitor that 50/50 isn't going to work and that you want more like a 70/30 split and that way you're more likely to get a larger part of the equity in the home.

Both you and the kids will be happier without him around, so start working towards divorce as the sooner you start, the sooner you finish.

Speak with him pointing out the obvious. If he doesn't find a place to stay in let's say two weeks you will put the house on sale, take the first low bid due to the circumstances
I bet he will find a place soon enough, after that one month to remove his stuff and if he doesn't want just go to solicitors etc. They like to annoy you but not to spend a penny.