Have disengaged from my marriage after years of trying

[culturevulture1984]

We are in our 50s/60s and I don't want a divorce. I just paid off the mortgage.

After years of putting him first I am prioritising myself, the kids, they need a lot of support. And working ft.

He is angry. I don't really care.
I told him a few months ago my heart wasn't in it anymore. I was as kind about it as I could.

I sleep on my own side of the bed.

I thought I was clear but he doesn't seem to have got the message.

Last night he wanted to cuddle. I told him I didn't want to. He asked why, I said I just didnt want to.

Looks like I have to spell it out again. He isnt going to like it.

Now he wants to spend time together, for me it is too late. For years I wanted that but I don't anymore.

He is a narcissist and is feeling very sorry for himself atm because of 'my behaviour'.

I am not looking forward to the conversation.

I feel really miserable about the whole thing.

Not sure why I'm posting really...

Please leave.
Live the rest of your life sleeping in the middle if your bed.

Dear OP, I totally get what you are saying. This was me few years ago. I am now happily divorced and can tell you that it is a huge difference. By the end of my marriage I started noticing that my stomach muscles were always clenched. Even when I was not home or my husband was not around, I was in a perpetual state of stress and could never relax. I dreaded going home and hearing his key in the house door. I hated and avoided going to bed and especially intimacy which he insisted on too and I kept indulging him just to keep peace in the house.

Just imagine now, actually being excited about going home, cooking dinner for your kids (or yourself), lounging on you sofa with a glass of wine, and finally going to YOUR bed, whenever you felt like it and cuddling with you favourite blanket peacefully going to sleep while dreaming about your next camping adventure. 🥰

Thanks for your kind message livelove,
great it worked out for you in the end.

I could’ve written this post myself. Soul-destroying isn’t it @culturevulture1984.
I have told my husband in no uncertain terms that we are married in name only but he just acts like I never said anything and is then surprised when I tell him to piss off when he tries to cuddle me. You’d think he’d get the message - we haven’t had sex for over 5 years.
im planning my escape, he won’t leave so ill have to - just waiting for the right house to come along. I’m scared but I seriously can’t live another 20 years like this.
Just leave, what’s the point of staying?
@livelovelough24 your new life sounds great, hopefully that’ll be me sooner rather than later.

@mamabelli I’m scared but I seriously can’t live another 20 years like this.
Exactly this. One of the things that got me to make a move is when I imagined myself living with this man for the next 20 years of my life (maybe more), I almost ran away. No way. Imagining being alone with him, my kids gone, I could not possible take it.

Intimacy for hardest for me. He too insisted on being intimate, and I was mostly giving in for the sake of the peace in the house. However, it was not enough for him that I would have sex with him, but he was complaining that I was not enjoying it. The freedom you feel when you reclaim the right to your own body, like fully, priceless. I wish you both all the best. Keep posting.

I appreciate your messages. I have spent my whole life getting us to where we are today. I don't want to leave my life, my home and my family.

I do want to live in peace with H with us living as a family rather than a couple.

I'm with all the posters above. I got divorced as ex was having an affair. For a few years the pain was horrific. HOWEVER.... now I couldn't image living with another man. I am so happy with my life and those stresses, knots in my stomach, not wanting sex, awkward feelings etc have totally gone. I'm free and feel about 20 years younger.
It's bliss !

Be clear with him about your desires (I mean ultra clear - tell him you never want to sleep with him again).

Then let him decide if he can be happy with this.

"I do want to live in peace with H with us living as a family rather than a couple."

How realistic is this ideal of yours?. Its not is it particularly if he is a narcissist and in addition you've put him first at great emotional cost to your own self.

Did you grow up with narcissistic parents too?.

You are kicking the can down the road here because its somehow "easier" for you to remain with him. That is all tied in with your comment, "I don't want to leave my life, my home and my family". One day and sooner than you think, your kids are going to leave home and they won't likely want to return to see either of you.

Better to be also from a so called "broken home" than to remain in one and this current home is full of bad memories. You could well become his carer going forward; how does that sound to you?.

This is where I am.
Stuck with a brain damaged husband I should have left decades ago.
Dont be me

I understand that you want what you want and it makes sense. However, he also wants what he wants - which is a wife, not a housemate.

So, the chances are this is not going to work out and you are going to have to separate. It's perfectly okay for you not to want to live with him and cuddle him and have sex etc, but it's also perfectly okay for him not to want that and to refuse to live with you as a "family" without these things.

I would start thinking about what your options are.

Is there a logistical reason why you’re still sharing a bed with a man you don’t want any intimacy with? Because as a happily single woman I can’t fathom why you would stand for that bullshit unless you’re in dire straits accommodation-wise.

You can’t live in peace with a narcissist. They need supply, they get this any way they can. If you withdraw and don’t give him supply, he will try whatever tactics he can to suck you back in.
You say ‘I just paid off the mortgage’, does that mean he didn’t contribute/contribute as much? I’d strongly suggest you seek legal advice. You may be entitled to more than you think. Why don’t you want a divorce?
I was married to a narcissistic, I can’t tell you how much I enjoy the freedom of being divorced.

You could offer him the option of an open marriage where you both seek intimacy elsewhere by arrangment. Why you'd want to spend the rest of your life in any kind of relationship under the same roof as someone you describe as a narcissist I'm not sure, and I don't think "live in peace" and "narcissistic husband" coexist unfortunately.

It’s just a house. File for divorce, you don’t want to be with him, end it properly.

This ^^
Although I have sympathy for you (I have also left a marriage and started over), I just don’t see how it’s fair you unilaterally decide how your family gets to live. Whatever has gone on in the past he also has a say and if a room mate situation isn’t for him then you should separate so you both have the opportunity to live life how you want to and be happy.

Dreading this conversation. Trying to be honest yet kind.

It's going to be a disaster isn't it?

It’s over for you and as much as you have my utmost sympathy that he didn’t listen at the time unless you wanted to try now which it seems like he does then it’s divorce and all the assets will be split.

You need a talk and not just one probably several, maybe you will both come to some kind of house share agreement but I doubt it very much as you deeply resent him. I wouldn’t want to share a life with someone who didn’t like me, maybe it is his fault you don’t like him but you have made it plain to him.