Would you do the same?

[Poeni]

I've finally reached the end of my tether in my marriage.

He's an alcoholic in denial who doesn't pull his weight except to pay for his share of the bills. I'm trying to hold it together as a working mother of two with one disabled parent I care for plus trying to hold onto my sanity after losing my other parent and one of my siblings at too young an age in quick succession recently.

Financially, the only way I can make this work is to enter an IVA to make my debt repayments manageable. It'll absolutely trash my credit rating, but mean my children can continue their education uninterrupted with a roof over their head and basic needs met. My job won't be affected by entering insolvency. We rent, but there's no way we would be able to afford an increase due to landlord potentially selling even as a married couple in the current market so that's not a worry to add for today, especially as landlord appears to want us to stay for the long haul. We've always kept our finances separate so the IVA won't impact my husband.

Emotionally, mentally, physically this feels like the right decision for my children and I. We're all on eggshells around him constantly. But the sensible side of me is screaming "Do you really want to trash your ability to get credit for at least 6 years?"

Would you take the plunge in my shoes?

I won't be back online for a little while, but will absolutely be reading the responses if there are any. I could really do with hearing what people with no skin in the game think.

The way to look at it is 'Is having the ability to get credit worth putting up with this shit for?'

What do you want credit for?

If you rent, and presumably don't have other assets, have you looked at bankruptcy? It might work out cheaper overall, and the impact on your credit rating is going to be the same either way.

Also, have you spoken to any of the debt charities and/or looked at their websites? They often give template letters and budget templates to request that the debt and any interest be frozen, and then you make an affordable repayment proposal, based on your income and outgoings as set out in the budget sheet. The proposal can be "I have no money for this debt at this time, but I'll write again to update you when my finances change or in 6/12 months".

I've looked into this for people many times as a CAB advisor in the past, and IVAs have rarely been the right answer for their circumstances, although they might be for yours....

Speak to Stepchange before you go anywhere near any IVA. This may not be necessary. Also do not set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm, particularly your drunkard husband.

Have you considered starting divorce proceedings?. Your kids are living with an alcoholic parent and it’s no life for them either.

That's my current thinking. I'm just thinking of ordinary stuff like broadband etc. Your credit score dictates access to things like that too which will make things tricky...but not as tricky as living like this I guess.

I've started the ball rolling with Stepchange who seem to be the most reputable of the debt advisory organisations. Their online assessment suggest an IVA is best for me, but haven't spoken to an advisor yet, they'll be in touch soon apparently, I will take their advice in all probability on how to navigate this.

I suppose ultimately I know that however I face into the financial side of things, it's going to hit my credit worthiness like a tonne of bricks.

That's the bit I'm trying to weigh up in terms of what's better in the long run. Stay for a few years and get debt free, or get him to leave if he'll go! and deal with the fallout for a few years, but without the stress of him.

Thank you, I have contacted Stepchange, just waiting to see what they say after looking through my details.

As you can probably tell, I just need to hear this is the lesser of two poor options. Staying with my husband feels like a worse decision than the insolvency idea but it's still a massive step to take in reality.

It's been like a boiling frog scenario. He wasn't always like this, I'm not stupid enough to have children with someone who would behave like he currently does, but over the last 5 years he's done less and drank more. Now I've had enough. I genuinely cannot afford to divorce him at the moment, but if I can get him to leave that's a step in the right direction.

He may well refuse to leave but a lack of money should not prevent you from starting divorce proceedings if this is what you want to do.