On verge of split - FTM 6 month old baby

[Sophsccc]

Hi all,

I'm a FTM and have been with my partner for 8 years, our son is 6 months old. Our relationship is very much on the rocks and I'm just looking for some input. He seems to have lost all respect for me and as I even open my mouth to say something, I see his eyes glaze over because he's going to shut down whatever I say. We have argued about our 2 dogs around the baby (I'm trying to inforce some boundaries because my one dog is obsessive), and I get told I'm making a problem out of nothing. I explained I'm trying to feel more in control around the dogs and I'm the one that has to deal with it all day while he's working.

We then have the issue of me going back to work, plan was my mother has the baby one day and he's in nursery the other 2 days. When my partner realised how much nursery costs (even though I've been telling him for ages), he then says the baby can go there one day a week and he'll 'watch him while he works from home' the other day. I explained that baby will be crawling, walking etc and he can't watch him while he works..the baby needs attention. This started a whole other argument and again he keeps saying how 'negative' I am, when all I am doing is wanting the best for our son and being a realist here.

There have been many arguments, but the main issue is we don't see eye to eye, but hardly argued in our 8 years together previously. I don't feel loved or respected anymore I am just constantly having to fight my corner with any suggestion I make and I don't feel like compromise is possible. If we split, I have massive anxiety about the baby being away from me and everything that comes with a split and moving etc.

I love my partner I really do, but respect and communication are so important and we don't seem to have this atm. I am just preparing myself as each argument seems to do more damage. I am not feeling heard at all. If anyone has similar experience I would love to hear your thoughts ❤️

"Watch him while he works from home"? I and many others had to juggle full time WFH with a toddler at home during lockdown and it just doesn't work.

Has he ever looked after your baby by himself for 8 hours? You go out for the day in the name of practice and take a book and go and have a lovely lunch somewhere and see how he gets on.

Barring abuse, I would avoid making major relationship decisions in the first year.

he can’t wfh with the baby. Aside from not being good for your child, he could lose his job.

Not sure what's so lovable about a man who belittles you, dismisses your feelings, minimises your legitimate concerns, has no respect for you and interprets your realism as daring to disagree with him.

And apart from all that, if you try to look after a child AND work at the same time, you will do both very very badly.

I’d split. It won’t get better.

You absolutely cannot look after a baby and work from home, doing that puts the baby very seriously at risk from choking hazards and all sorts.
My sister has just had a baby who is about the same age now and its absolutely full on and they can't be left for a minute.
He sounds absolutely clueless. I wouldn't trust him with a dog never mind a baby. Id be taking my baby away from that situation.
Not to mention the dogs, there is no way I'd be taking my eyes off a baby with dogs around. Bloody hell. You need to lay the law down and absolutely refuse to let him do this.

Could you suggest trialling him working and looking after the baby whilst you can observe in the background (for safety reasons)...make sure it's on a day where the baby is teething so that he gets the full realistic picture and understands the routine. I know mums that look after babies whilst WFH but I also know the babies needs are not neglected and the mums make up any work time where they have been distracted.

It’s not your job to make him realise how unreasonable the WFH/childcare issue is. You go to work and he will realise from moment 1 how terrible his decision is. Let him.

I would avoid any decisions at this time, life is tough right now.

I think most relationships go through a tricky period when you have very young DC and it doesn't mean the relationship is doomed. Would you consider couples counselling to help you improve your communication?

Well that’s rubbish because the first year after having a baby is such a challenge for any relationship. I despised my husband during the first year and we were absolutely fine up until she was born.

We ended up getting married just after she turned one, so it obviously got better gradually.

I’d wait this one out a bit OP.

Barring abuse, which isn't happening here, it's generally accepted it's very unwise to split in the first year of a baby

@Sophsccc it’s not that you don’t see eye to eye, it’s that he’s being selfish and completely idiotic. Whereas you are being realistic and looking after your babys welfare. Not to assume but could it be that before the baby came along you just went along with his way? Have you actually discussed splitting up?

Thank you, I'm glad someone is seeing what I see. Yes I think you're right I've always been laid back and 'gone with the flow' to an extent but now my lil man is here I have much stronger views on things, which is not a bad thing. But I think he isn't enjoying this side of me, but I'll always do what's best for the baby.

Last week I asked him to stay with his dad and said I need some space from the arguing and he agreed it was needed. He lasted 3 days and came back home saying 'he didn't like not having freedom there'. Which yeah I understand that but if he really wanted to try time apart we would have done it properly. It seems when we solve one argument, something else comes up that we don't agree on so I don't see where to go from here. I'm a sensitive person and wear my heart so I'm finding this so difficult but I will always put my boy before anyone else

I would wait a while, since you have a young baby and this is a period of adjustment for both of you.

It’s not your job to make him realise how unreasonable the WFH/childcare issue is. You go to work and he will realise from moment 1 how terrible his decision is. Let him.
It is a challenging time for relationships, and both parents have a right to their opinions. Remember if you split, your DP may have your LO 50% of the time without any input from you.