I think I know what to do but still feeling stressed and conflicted and torn between two men.
After a separation 18 mos ago, about a year ago I met a man (let’s call him man A!) who was in the process of separating from his partner and in a similar situation to what I had been in. We formed a really intense connection, things got physical which they shouldn’t have done, feelings ran very deep, neither of us had ever felt that way etc etc. I (belatedly) did the right thing and said I didn’t want to do that, give me a call when he was single etc. was really really hard and we struggled to break off contact so have stayed in touch.
He was working up to leaving his partner (not for me exactly, he had wanted to leave anyway and had been unhappy for a long time) but kept bottling it, still he kept saying about wanting to be with me. Was respectful about the friendship line but did push the boundaries and I was firmer on that than him. I really just started to think he wasn’t going to leave her and was hating how I was feeling too invested in it and like I was waiting in the wings. So set a deadline in my mind of September and started online dating then (I told him this).
intended to keep it quite casual as deep down hoping it might still happen for us as no one lived up.
met someone lovely in October (call him man B!). Initially I was quite commitment phobic and holding back as still had feelings for man A. It’s been totally different as he’s not so emotional, not gushy or at all love bomby (which in retrospect I realise man A was/is). And struggled at first to feel if he was that into me. There’s no drama, he’s sadly widowed and has a son so that’s a challenge but he lives 15 mins away so I can drop in easily. We can see each other on my free weekends and over our wfh lunch breaks twice a week or so. It’s chilled. I didn’t get initial butterflies as much but am now feeling really warm towards him and a bit gooey. It’s been a slow burn but it’s really working for me. Not sure if it’s going to be a long term thing and he’s kind of said that too (he’s a widower and only about a year ago), he’s not rocked my world but is so genuine, so moral (would never do what man A has done), very emotionally supportive and the sex is good. Sometimes I’m left in doubt how much he likes me but lately he’s stepped that up and although he says less than man A when he does say it you know he really means it.
basically man A has now progressed leaving his partner and being honest about wanting to separate. He won’t be able to move out for some time and financially it’s going to be really difficult. He’s been talking about me and him as if it’s a given for the future even tho he knows I’m seeing man B.
the connection we had was/is amazing but even though it’s much less intense, what I have with man B is really nice and it’s working for me at the moment.
I worry that even though man A and I seem really suited maybe the intensity was just because of a ‘forbidden love’ type of thing. And he’s so led by his feelings I think I’d fear that his strong feelings for me could disappear like they did for his partner. (They have been together 20 yrs so not a short term thing). A also lives 50 mins away. His partner has MH issues and struggles with things a lot so I know she’ll always feature heavily in his/our life if we were together.
am feeling in a bit of a dilemma as to whether to break things off with B. But think I’d regret that too as he’s such a good egg and I feel so lucky to have met him. I just wonder if something is missing, but then it’s only been 3 months and still developing.
Sorry it’s long but would really appreciate outside perspective.