Hand hold- it’s over. I have a little toddler and not working

[Missmuffin1984]

Please be gentle 😞

With my DP for just over five years, 14 month old baby. Insane amount of stress for most of our relationship; family bereavements, covid had a detrimental effect on business, crippling debt from loans I was encouraged to take to support our family, a couple of houses lost, a court case from DP’s Exw with eye watering legal fees that has been the final nail in the coffin financially.

We are back with my mum in my childhood bedroom at 35. My mum is financially struggling herself and the plan was to help her out a bit financially but this has never happened. DH has always been quite highly strung with a horrible temper (never physical) and, as I can come to learn through reading a lot about it, what you would call an ‘avoidant personality’. Been acting more impulsive over time, more angry. Stonewalls and gaslights me every time we talk. During an argument in December I (wrongly) got so angry at all the horrible things he was saying and told him to “f off” and he packed his bags, booked a flight that day and left us for a month, not a word. Then turned up last Saturday as if nothing had happened, saying we should start getting Hello Fresh food delivery?! He also said that he has a house for us rented in this foreign country he went to from this coming March for one year, and that he is in the process of adopting a cat from said country and getting its passport sorted to bring here (we already have 2 cats and a toddler in a small space and I’m assuming he thinks my mum who is not a cat person will look after the cats for the year). As I said, so impulsive and not run any of it past me at all.

This morning he flew into a rage again over something really small. Started saying I need mental help, hitting himself, saying he hates me, sobbing, screaming, making horrible accusations. Kicked the baby gate off the door. All while our poor baby was crying.
I said I can’t do this, baby will not be around screaming and me being scared on eggshells. Had a terrible childhood with physical abuse in the house so he knows any sign of the past repeating itself and it’s over.

He has packed and walked out for a while and at some point when we have calmed down, will discuss when he will see the baby.

I was a PA 5 years ago but left to help with his business affairs and take time out to think of a new career as I found PA work extremely boring and soul destroying and felt (feel) very career lost. He encouraged it and was very supportive.

Now I do not know what first steps to take and because I can’t think straight, I guess I just need someone to tell me how to begin getting my life together 😞

I feel useless, as if nobody will ever want to hire me because everyone has qualifications I don’t. And no man will ever want me because I have a son. Scared I’ll meet someone who will be horrible again. Imposter syndrome is something that has followed me since I was a teenager. I had hoped to save to do a project management course, but now this seems like such a faraway dream.

I guess I need to apply for housing benefits? I honestly never thought I’d be in this situation and to be quite honest I feel a sense of shame that I will need to apply for benefits because of the stigma. I need to think of a way to get on my feet quickly so I can get a job, earn and start supporting my mum for a change.
My head is spinning.

i guess it would be nice to get advise on what to do next and any happy stories from women who have built a life for themselves again.

Have any of you managed to find a loving relationship after a split from your DC’s partner?

and managed to do a course with a young child and have a career for yourself?

Thank you

First things first, I think you need to talk to the police. Phone the station (not the emergency number) and ask to speak to the domestic abuse unit. Tell them about the row, and him kicking the stair gate. It is in your best interests to get that incident on record.
The fact that he has set up home abroad is a red flag, talk to them about that.

Also, talk to Women's Aid, they should be able to offer support and practical advice. If not then talk to Refuge.

Bless you and well done for saying enough is enough. For now ask him to properly leave your mum and if you can, stay with your mum just you and your son to get on your feet. At 2 your son is eligible for free childcare which will allow you to study and look for work. In the meantime make sure you are getting everything you are entitled to from universal credit. Take a few months to breathe and regather your strength. Once your head is clearer you could look at properties to rent and yes, you should be eligible for the housing element of universal credit.

Don't worry about future relationships just yet but when the time comes, yes in my experience it is possible to date with a young child if you are mentally ready for it. I hope your mum is able to offer support too.

He moves out forever. You stay with your mum and look for all the resources you can get and are in place for a situation like this.

Look if you can have a part time WFW job every penny will help the three of you. If that is not feasible for now will be feasible in the future.
Do you life like he doesn't exist. Hello fresh? I bet he never was good with money, the last thing someone who struggles financially do is open a subscription and book flights.

Thank you for the responses, I will definitely look into Women’s Aid. Also to clarify re: the future partner, that’s definitely not my priority if it came across that way, i’d happily stay alone for the next 15 years for the sake of my son having a safe and peaceful home. I was just mentally dumping all of the fears that are keeping me awake at night

You all will be ok
agree report to police and get him to back the fuck off

you will survive and eventually thrive
you get back to work and trust me nothing is as soul destroying as being with a man like like

assure your mother as this utterly sucks for her having this man kicking off in her house? How is she ?

He sounds like a cunt so speak to womens aid

i bet you he will kick off , run back to this other country and desert his son

I don't think you can claim housing benefit if you're staying with your mum. You need to have a tenancy.

You're definitely better off without him. He sounds awful.

You could look at universal credit for living costs.

Benefits . Re-train. Any job you can in the meantime to put money in the bank.
Make a plan - things to do this week , things to do next month and then goals for this time in a year .
None of that will be soul destroying when you and your child are settled in your own home further down the line , and you have been able to support your mum .
I have been there and , yes , you do get through it .

get Online op and make an application for universal credit.

secondly this is your mums home and he’s come in after leaving a month ago, damaging her property- the lack of respect there and the entitlement is next level.

thirdly- you are being abused, you need to contact woman’s aid and they will help you immensely.

Please contact the police and discuss trying to get some sort of order so he can’t just show up, personally I hope he fucks off to his new home abroad and leaves you alone.

You deserve so much better and once things calm down and your rid of him you’ll see that he never actually added anything to your life after all.

You and son can stay with your mum.

Can your mum do any child care so you can get a PT to start with job?

You have experience as a PA, use those skills. Yes office work might be dull but you need cash and you can do it. It's not back breaking stuff, you can usually leave on time you might find a position once you are set up you can do some WFH.

And yes record the incident and house abroad with the police. If baby hasn't got a passport don't get one just yet.

Try and relax OP.
You are not homeless.
You and your mum might be able to work together for a decent outcome here.

Can you rearrange your room, paint it perhaos so it feels less "childhood"