This is going to be a long post and I realise it may come off as somewhat juvenile, but navigating love and relationships is a bit of an enigma to me.
Two months go I had a ONS. Up to then I had only ever had one other ONS - 20 years ago. We had so much fun together that evening and the sparks were pretty much flying. ONS approached me saying the he remembered me around from a couple of years back. Our first kiss swept me off my feet, trance-like, as if we were in a complete world of our own and time suspended.
After we dtd, we were in what I would call tender embrace all night and into the morning. Hands interwined, deep conversation, close, comfortable. At one point he kept kissing me on the front of my shoulders and hands, telling me he really liked me, that he meant it and how intelligent and fun I am, what a great time he had with me and that he would like to see me again. More than once.
For reasons I'm still figuring out (issues with vulnerability) I froze and didn't really respond. Despite the fact that I felt so comfortable and close with him and left late in the morning, I said nothing in return. I just felt so comfortable in the silence and in the closeness that I didn't fully process how wonderful it all was.
I've been single for quite some time and do have some emotional baggage (which I have worked through). We both come from previous marriages/relationships and I sense that he too has some emotional baggage.
Fast forward a few weeks and I bumped into him, while at the pub with friends. I had only had two small drinks when he came over and said hello. He seemed terribly nervous, but so was I. He went off as there was a special occasion and we both had friends with us. I was so nervous, I didn't notice how many drinks my friend kept buying me. I ended up drinking way more than I usually would. We kept glancing over at one another all evening. Later, he suddenly walked past me, whisked me away by the hand. We started to make out in the beer garden, when he said that I was far too pissed. I am and was mortified!
The next day I bumped into him whilst walking out the shop. We stopped, smiled at and greeted one another. His face was red from blushing. He said "Hey, you were really pissed last night". I replied "Yeah, I was". I realise I could have communicated more and apologised, told him that I was also nervous. While telling him that my friend took me home, he kept looking at me/my lips as if he was about to kiss me. Swoon. He said he needed to go, said goodbye and walked off. I wish I had had the nerve to tell him I like him/want to see him again.
I'm feel such a fool. Why am I so awkward? Or are we both awkward? I would love to see him again. If I don't, I feel it's going to be a massive 'what if'. There are fewer times that I can count on one hand when I have felt such genuine connection.
Any advice is greatly appreciated.