HOW TO STOP COMPARING TO HER

[Anon645]

Hi everyone,

I found out a month ago that my partner of 8 months cheated on me. I loved him with all my heart and have not made much progress in moving forward (other than being able to eat again )

I can't stop myself missing him terribly with every fibre of my being, and I think about him 24/7.
But I also cannot stop comparing myself to the other woman. I keep comparing myself to her looks wise / figure wise / personality wise / interests wise etc. I keep checking her social media photos out and fixating on what she looks like, and what she presents herself like

Being cheated on has hugely dented my self esteem and I'm a shell now.

She knew I was with him and she still helped him cheat regardless.
The fact he cheated on me with her eats me up as to why her /why did he pick her / what's she got I don't/ why is she preferred to me etc .

Any advice on how to stop comparing myself to this woman would be appreciated.

Don't bother. There's nothing that says she's better looking, sexier or cleverer than you and she knew he had a partner but went with him anyway. Why would you want to compare yourself to that? you KNOW you're better (or you should).

Look - if some men get the chance to get their leg over they'll take it and are unbothered about the standard of what they're shagging. She was there and encouraging him. It doesn't imply any superiority on her part.

Honestly delete your social media accounts or block hers.
Every time you get an urge to look have a list of things you can do instead. It will be tough I know.
If you can’t have a break from social media make a conscious effort not to look at hers. you’re probably quite subconsciously looking but you have many steps (e.g. pick up your phone, unlock it, find app, open app, type in name, scroll) try and become aware of each step and ask yourself if it’s going to help? (Spoiler: no)
If you can stop before you get to scrolling and distract yourself - make a list of stuff that ranges eg relaxing stuff/productive stuff/active stuff and stuff that varies in time from a few minutes to a couple of hours.
It will get easier the more you are able to do it. Even if you do end up scrolling stop as soon as you’re aware, don’t beat yourself up about it. Try to distract.
good luck x

Maybe she’s wondering why he was happy to sleep with her but be in a relationship with you so what’s wrong with her? Women tend to blame themselves for the poor behaviour of their partner. The truth is this wasn’t about you (or her), it was about him. I’m assuming you’ve left him from your post, so you accept he isn’t a good partner. So his opinion isn’t really worth much either is it.
your options are torture yourself thinking about this, letting them both live in your head rent free, helping you destroy your own confidence, or take steps to move on.
block her account. Stop looking at her. If you catch yourself thinking about her, try to change your thoughts, almost like meditation. Start doing things to make you feel good about yourself again.

i also think you and this woman are taking all the blame for this man’s actions. In your post You wonder what you did wrong and what’s wrong with you.
when you talk about her you talk about how she helped him cheat on you, she is very active in your narrative.
but for him it’s a passing comment that he cheated, almost like he had to, to get something he wasn’t getting from you, and you miss and love him so much still.

It really wasn't anything to do with you, or any perceived faults you think you have. Honestly, it sounds to me like he saw an opportunity with her and took it.
Some men are just like that. You could be the perfect woman and that would have made no difference. I know it's hard right now, because it hurts but one day you will wake up and thank your lucky stars you're not with him. He's a scumbag, and it's probably not the first time he's cheated in a relationship.
You deserve far better than him!

Sorry if it came across that way. I 100% blame both parties, not just her.

I should clarify that the cheating occurred more than once... this was not a one off thing. It had been going on for a little while when I found out. And that's what I meant by saying she helped him cheat as she helped him cheat not just as an isolated incident but multiple times over that period...
But I do blame both

Block her on socials. Don’t go pain shopping.

You know what she had that you didn’t? She was novel. But she won’t be for long.

She won a guy who cheats on his partner. He’s no prize. He cheats because he is missing something within himself, and needs external validation to feel good. He’ll do it again as soon as things get a bit too humdrum and he’s in need of extra ego kibbles from a shiny new source.

You won the real prize - being free of a cheater.

You have no way of knowing that she encouraged him. He may well have been the one who did all the running. He knew he had a partner but went with her anyway, so this is all on him.

You know what she had that you didn’t? She was novel. But she won’t be for long

Yup, ex shagged his secretary and to listen to him it was the romance of the century; then shacked up together in their little one bedroom flat the humdrum every day hit and the gloss wore off.

The way he did nothing around the place and called you a nag if you said something
The way he went to play sports every weekend taking the only car
The way he'd go to the pub after work, not call and arrive home late evening with dinner ruined

Not helped by the fact that I heroically bit my tongue, didn't have tantrums and was gracious when he wanted to drop in for coffee and that I ignored the fact that she actually existed. That REALLY ground her gears.

You have no way of knowing that she encouraged him. He may well have been the one who did all the running

See, there's an easy way to stop that when you know the bloke coming on to you has a partner. It's saying 'Nope, not interested, you have a wife/GF.' I'm assuming she indicated a level of interest in the OP's partner, despite knowing of the existence of the OP.

Cheaters don’t cheat because their partners are shit, they cheat because they themselves are shit. Do you want a shit man? No.

This is about him not you. He is a greedy coward and should never have committed to a relationship. I bet he has done this before and will continue to do so to the next girl as guys like this rarely reflect and change their behaviour. He'll be making out you're crazy next and telling everyone he is innocent. Don't give him the satisfaction of falling apart; he won't notice or care. Best revenge is a happy life. Make plans for yourself, new hobbies, holiday booking etc. You need to be there for yourself now. Good luck.

Tweedledum, I came on to say that too. He's a waste of space and although it's painful now, you will get through it and be fine.
Try and concentrate on yourself, stuff you've always wanted to do/try, what skills would you like to develop for work? Places you've always wanted to visit? Any sport or self care thing?

@MrsDanversGlidesAgain ah yes it’s all so easy when they meet their “perfect partner” who places no expectations on them and strokes their ego in a magical world where housework and responsibilities don’t exist.

Must be quite the shock when they’re having to negotiate living in the real world after his wife has taken her half of the assets and the mistress is left picking up his dirty underpants and socks!

I almost feel sorry for them but I am too busy enjoying my peaceful f*ckwit free life.

Develop self control over the social media stalking. Block her if it helps. She might get you suggest as a follow/friend otherwise. Once you get that under control your thoughts will get under control

I almost feel sorry for them but I am too busy enjoying my peaceful fckwit free life*

I've wondered sometimes if she got landed with the team football kit left in the car boot for a week, and if so what she did and said. He (according to him) definitely got told it was no wonder I nagged him, so obvs I'd been trashed to her as as a warm up to make her feel sorry for him.

Ho hum. 😄

Stop overanalysing all of it. It doesn’t matter. You’re free of a cheater and that’s the best thing. She isn’t free of a cheater.

Blocking them both on all channels will honestly help you.

Regardless of the cause, the issue here is that you’re struggling to get over a man who was a dick to you. We’ve all been there. And we all came out the other side.

I struggled to get over a dick in my early 20s. He got married not long afterwards. Then divorced again quickly after that. I am happily married to another man. When it’s the right guy, things aren’t this hard. He is not the right man for you. Let it all go and move on.

You love the man you wanted him to be and thought he was not the lying cheat he is in reality. In a while it will be who.?… lucky it was 8 months not 8 years or more. We have all been there.
Have always thought that you don’t risk losing what you cannot bear to lose, speaks for itself.
Keep yourself very busy, so no time to brood. Best revenge is being happy. Fake it till you really are happy again
You cannot see it yet , but the trash has taken itself out and done you a massive favour.

'The trash has taken itself out.' I love that phrase.