I'd appreciate some steer on my situation. Feeling really down today about the state of sex in my fairly new relationship.
Last year while on a trial separation from my H of 5 years i met a man, also separated, who I completely clicked with, fell for quickly and it was mutual. Bit of a rollercoaster, both of us making the decision to file for divorce from our spouses and be together which has happened within 6 months including him moving 300 miles to my city so we can date (previously, we were long distance but spent several weekends and a couple of weeks together.) Now he is here i am in my own place, divorce underway and the marital home is under offer. Which is what we have talked about so much as he felt threatened by me still being married (even though he also still is.)
However it feels like sex is already dwindling. We previously would have sex every other day when seeing each other, and when we stayed the night together sex and lots of foreplay was normal. He has talked about how his 20-year marriage was mainly sexless; she wasn't very interested and he talked a lot about how that was an issue for him and made him feel unwanted. However he was obviously able to stick it out for 20 years even with their other emotional issues, and even though they had no kids. When we first started hooking up, he was a bit nervous and said it was because he wasn't used to someone wanting him. He would prefer to pleasure me than me to pleasure him, and penetrative sex would be over quite fast. I think he has a bit of 'death grip' because he masturbates quite a lot and because of how he has sex. This hasn't changed but i was happy with the frequency and that he desired me.
However now, over 7 months in, we have spent the last 4 days and 3 nights together much of that alone in my flat with a bed and no work to do as we took some days off, and we haven't had sex except once on Sunday. We took a bath together at my suggestion and he didn't seem to find that particularly sexy, we just lay there and talked. He will kiss me but we don't make out anymore. It feels weird to have had all this time together at home and him not have initiated anything. i have tried kissing him, straddling him on the sofa, or lingering in bed when we wake up, but i can tell the desire just isn't there for him, which feels early days to not be taking advantage of this time together especially since we talked so much about how we wanted to have a proper r'ship and be getting divorced from our toxic marriages. He would rather have a movie marathon in bed and eat snacks or drink tea and have long conversations. It feels like its more of a friendship in that way but when i said this he was like 'well friendship is the foundation of a good relationship'.
I brought this up, asking if he felt we had different sex drives, and he denied it at first and said we had sex on Sunday, but since he has said that he feels he has low libido at the moment due to high stress or perhaps illness, and he has even referred to it might be a problem with his 'equipment'..... so it feels like something he has always maybe been aware of. And i am thinking more and more about his long, sexless marriage and thinking, if sex was that important to him as he has prev said, why didn't he leave sooner? But he says sex is important to him. Yet can't see how it feels if i'm naked in bed with him and he doesn't want to do anything with me, or if he loses his erection as i'm touching him or giving him oral. He swears it isn't about his attraction to me. He says his therapy will resolve it. He says it is partly about the fact we both met when till technically married although separated, and he feels 'ashamed' that we were intimate up until filing for divorce- even though he wanted sex then and was able to orgasm, etc!
He is 44 but super-fit and good blood pressure etc. I am 35 and also in good shape, clean, groomed etc. If thats relevant. I dont have a crazy sex drive i dont think but i do fancy him and when we are alone together I do crave some moments of intimacy, but in the last 5 days it has just been the one time of PiV sex and a little bit of foreplay the same day. Am i being unreasonable to be questioning things? I really like him but i dont want to find myself in a low-sex relationship at 35 and i'm not judging him but i think he should be honest about his sex drive if it is low for any reason. Especially if this is a recent development. he has accused me of not being 'caring' of him possibly being unwell and/or very stressed - I feel a little bit gaslighted as though its totally normal to be naked in bed together or spend whole days together and not have sex or fool around at this point, and i shouldnt even think about it. He has said a couple times 'what if i had a motorcycle accident and wasnt able to have sex, would you leave me'? Which seems so extreme, like i'm being horrible or unreasonable.
Is this just a pre-sexless relationship 'script'?