Divorce is right but can't shift the sadness

[FacingDivorceButSad]

My husband has never been loyal to me. He cheated multiple times in our marriage. Twice physical that I know of and a few times texting etc. He had a mental health crisis and our relationship is in tatters. We don't love each other anymore and I've had therapy which has got me into a much better place but why can I not shift this sadness when I see him?

He isn't actually a horrible person which seems hard to believe. He had an awful childhood and years of trauma as an adult that have had a huge impact. It doesn't excuse the cheating but it's harder to hate someone who is so damaged. I don't want to hate him as we have a child together but I want to shift this feeling of sadness. I can't pin point what I am actually sad about!

Divorce is obviously the right thing for both of us and I don't feel sad when I think about getting divorced which is confusing me even more.

When you get divorced I think you go through a number of feelings, but the unexpected one is grief, for the loss of what you thought you had in the years to come. The life you planned together, your future. It's quite normal to feel this and it will pass with time. Don't fight it, just acknowledge it for what it is and realise that it's okay to feel it. Despite divorce being the right outcome for you, you are allowed to feel that disappointment that things didn't turnout how you thought they would and should.

You’re sad about the man he isn’t, the man you hoped he was, the loss of the future you anticipated when you married him and had a child with him. That’s completely healthy and normal.

You don’t need to hate him but I would acknowledge, when you’re ready, the disdain with which he treated the marriage and you and stop viewing him as a victim. Loads of people have trauma, it doesn’t make them fuck around and betray the person they’re supposed to love the most.

Don’t do yourself a disservice by focussing you much on him and his pain is all I mean. You didn’t break your marriage, he did. And that’s very sad.

Thank you both. I have no one in RL to talk to about this as all friends and family are in relationships or married (many seem unhappy but stay regardless). The only people I know divorced are in laws and both had affairs that broke their marriage so I feel very very alone in all this

I'm getting divorced too and feel really sad about it. Having a shitty childhood is no excuse and you need to be careful you're not cutting him so much slack for that that you don't protect yourself or put yourself first.

You're grieving the past that turned out not to be true and for the future that will now not happen. Plus all the grief related to your child.