Can't stop wishing my life was different - help

[roses321]

So I left my ex about 8 months ago. He was verbally and mentally abusive. I had to leave our home as a result and he is still living there while I moved to a room share.

Whilst so many things have improved about my life including my anxiety and health in general (I've started going to the gym, I am not constantly stressed and anxious about my relationship anymore) I am now anxious about whether I'll meet anyone else.

To be honest I'm just really scared. I'm 39 and have no kids and have never been married, I was engaged to my ex but it never should have got that far with how he behaved. I caught him doing online sexting in chat apps within our first year. I know I should have left and I regret it so much.

It feels so shitty to be in a room share at my age, to have no children, no home to look after and nothing "normal" that "normal people my age" have. I feel left out and sad. I've been on several dates and just don't feel anything for any of them, I am not interested in any of them at all. I just want my ex back even though it's got so nasty with him I've had to have a solicitor write to him to threaten him with a non-molestation order because he wouldn't stop emailing me.

I have to keep my email open to him (nothing else is) because we're trying to get our house sold and have to litigate due to mis-selling first. It's stressful and expensive and last year was the worst year of my life to be honest.

I just feel very down about everything, very lost and very lonely. I see friends but I would rather spend time in my room. I'm seeing a therapist and I know i'm prone to depression, I do my best for myself but it just feels so hard sometimes and I keep wondering why it has to be this way. Why it ended like this and if I'm ever going to be happy. I know men aren't the answer to everything but I can't stop feeling this way.

Has anyone else gone through this and if you did how did you get through it? I just need a bit of help and reassurance please.

Try to take each day as it comes and not over think about everything you should have and where you should be at this point in your life. You have to take time to heal from an abusive relationship and the practicality of sorting the house out. Relationships and situations can break and change at any time in life. It may be a blessing that you do not have an added complication of having children and difficulties and heart break that comes from contact arrangements.
Seek happiness out of simple things in life - enjoy the peace of not being in a toxic relationship but do not feel you have to jump into another relationship straight away

Thanks for your kind words, I don't know why it's making me feel so down right now but it just is. I think it's because no matter what dates I go on nobody is my ex so I am not interested, and my ex and I have been no contact for several months now and we just talk about legal stuff via our solicitors which makes it so hard.

I'm not sorry I don't get the abuse anymore, I'm just sorry it couldn't have been what I wanted it to be really. I think I fell in love with the idea of him.

So sorry that you are struggling OP but first and foremost congratulate yourself for having the strength to leave a cheating and abusive partner. I know it's hard, but try not to compare yourself to others, no one knows what goes on behind closed doors and in other people's lives.
For now keep on prioritising yourself, and don't focus on another relationship just yet, you need to continue to heal and feel in the right place. Keep seeing your therapist, going to the gym and seeing friends, this will help you feel connected, (although l do understand that feeling of wanting to hibernate!) It might be an idea to see your G.P if you think you might be slipping into depression.
Meanwhile don't feel bad about your living arrangements, it's only temporary if you have a home to sell. Stay NC with your ex apart from dealings with the house sale, there's nothing to be gained by contact with him. I do hope you feel better soon, l am sure there are better things to come for you.

Thank you I really hope so. Today feels like such a struggle. I know that what broke you can't fix you but I miss him and our little cottage so much and I am so angry he still gets to stay in it and I have had to leave. I just can't let go of the anger right now. I know it's for the best it's just frustrating.

Wait, why did u have to leave and not him?

Don't worry , just keep focus, you can get a new home ounces your income increases from the house sell plus u still have time for kids. My friend had a child at the age of 42. Loads of women do.

Don't worry to much about new relationship a d men just get ur ducks in order first. Keep distracted and stay with ur aim in life.

U will be fine

Because he basically just told me to get out and he refused to leave. I had had enough, had a new job and probably would have been fired if I hadn't left because the situation was upsetting me so much and affecting my health. I was forgetting things and barely functioning properly. So I just made the decision.

You are stronger than you think and have a good mindset. You got out and protected yourself and your job. You recognised the damage the relationship was doing - not everyone is brave enough to do that so you should be proud of yourself. You are still grieving for the relationship which is normal. But look ahead you will have your own place, your job and security, it does not matter how big or small your space is it is a safe place and keep remembering that x

It's natural to miss your old home and feel resentful but hard though it was you did the right thing and found the strength to leave. Keep focused on thoughts of your future home where you will have a safe haven and complete autonomy.
It's ok to feel angry, as when you suppress it you only delay the healing process. It's there to remind you that you did not deserve to be treated so badly and you are worth so much more.

I know how you feel to an extent, to none have any of the milestone things that normal people have at our age.

You'll have to go through a grieving process whereby you'll have to accept that the person you thought you fell in love with, doesn't actually exist. It's shitty.

I left my ex and I can't even imagine wanting to date 8 months later. I wasn't ready and found it upsetting even a year later.

If you want to have children, I understand why you feel you don't have time to waste, but careful you don't rush into having a baby with the man person because of it. Normally I would say you really need to stop focusing on dating at all, and focus purely on getting through legalities with your ex, on making and maintaining friendships and other enjoyments in life, before you even think of dating again.

Hi there
This happened to me, so I can relate. I left my mentally and verbally abusive ex-husband when I was 39, no kids. I was desperately sad about not having had kids but for my own sanity I had to leave. I left him in our beautiful house and rented elsewhere. When I got to my new house I realised that I'd been so stressed and traumatised living in an abusive relationship for so long and probably hadn't realised it, I only felt it when I was alone and safe. It took me some time to heal and I had therapy to help me.
My advice would be to take things day by day, enjoy the little things that you can now experience in peace and the things that you actually want to do but probably couldn't do before. I too just wanted to move on with my life but was aware that I just didn't have the energy. I remember reading some advice about imagining what I'd want my life to look like in 3, 5 years time etc and I used this to build, step by step.
The house was sold eventually, I was able to buy my own place, and now a few years on I have a beautiful little girl. The absolute best thing you could have done is leave. I know how hard it is to do but you've taken that first step, well done. Just concentrate on you now and building up your strength again.
All the best x

What a lovely message @Apples125