Ex telling people I'm nuts basically. So infuriating

[Notgettinganyyounger23]

Finally finished with a cheating ex nearly a week ago. Before xmas He told me he was ill and needed to go home but after a facetime call to check he was OK i was suspicious someone was at his house. I went round and though the window could see he was there drinking, listening to music in his dressing gown chatting to a woman. He later admitted it was his ex but tried to deny it was anything wrong. We limped through Xmas, It was awful, I'm not proud but I did go to his house on another occasion just to put my mind at rest. It was a horrible toxic environment,he wouldn't talk about what happened and got angry when I tried to. Anyway there was another incident adjust over a week ago and I've ended it, not spoke since last Friday and though its difficult I know I've made the right decision. This isn't the first time he's tried to cheat etc. My daughter has contact with him as he has been in my grandson's life since he was born. But he is implying I'm unhinged to her. He's told her I was stalking him for weeks, we were together at this point. That I finished it over some ridiculous reason that would be worrying if it were true and making me out to be weird. She has had none of it as she knows the truth and has said as such to him. but we have a lot of joint friends and if this is his line I'm going to look ridiculous. Its making me really angry but I refuse to make contact. Just arghhhhh. Sorry for long post.

If your joint friends believe you're unhinged on the word of an ex rather than their knowledge of you. are they really worth having as friends?

Reading this site I'm beginning to wonder if there's a universal script for men when they become exes. She's mad. She's unhinged. She ruined my life. She drove me to it. She stalked me. Is it in the DNA, or what? because every one of them seems to trot out some variation of 'poor innocent me at the mercy of that wicked woman.'

You're right and I'm sure a lot of them won't but it's so frustrating. I let him get away with much too much and I'm working on understanding why I did that. I'm absolutely not going to get in touch but he's just being so annoying.

In cases like this it's better to remain silent.

Those who matter, know you and know the situation / truth.

With regard to your dd, just explain that there are two sides to every story. He cheated on you, you were upset but ultimately have to now put yourself first. I'd then back it up by saying you don't want to discuss him again and you're not interested in what he's saying about you, so ask her not to tell you.

I would stay quiet but if anyone asks say ‘ it’s such a shame he has issues and I hope he can eventually find peace and happiness in himself’. If they ask what issues I would say I don’t really want to talk about it you just wish him well for the future.

I think that liars do have serious issues. He’s a proven liar and cheat. Anyone who sneaks around lying has issues.

If it continues I’d say ‘It seems he is still struggling with our breakup, it’s such a shame he has all his issues. Bless him. I hope he seeks support eventually’. Then move onto something different.

If it’s a good friend say ‘oh no is cheaty mc-cheaty on one of his rants again, such a shame he’s still struggling - bless him- I’m sorry he’s still bothering you with all this nonsense’.

Read women who love too much. It’s a good read.

If you were my friend I’d laugh at his predictable script. Any man who goes on about his crazy ex is to be avoided.

Silence is a powerful tool! Those who know you will know you aren’t like he is making you out to be. Those are the only people that matters. Block him :-) it’ll save you so much hassle.

I am going to remain silent. My daughter doesn't believe any of it and has called him out on it. I don't know why it's bothering me, just the complete lack of accountability. You guys on here are amazing I just needed to have a rant I think.

My ex rewrote history after we had split, and reversed our roles so that the awful things he had done in past events suddenly became me doing awful things in the past! I know this because he told a friend who relayed it back to me.

It's hurtful and infuriating but you're right to remain silent.

And yes, I have learned on MN that many men do this after a split (and probably some women too)

Someone who has married a close friend of mine has said this to me several times and he continues to say it, that “all his exes were mad” and I just take it as a big red flag.

I hope not for my friend’s sake but it basically is evidence of him not taking any accountability for his failings in past relationships and him putting all the blame on them. Not remotely chilvalrous either.

So I wouldn’t worry op. It says far more about them than it does about you!

This will provide a useful filter for you. Your real friends, the ones who respect you, will stick with you. And then you'll know. And you don't have to lift a finger.

You could thank him, really. But, you know... Don't.

What a shitbag he is - I'm so sorry.

My ex rewrote history to the extent of minimising to people and reversing just how shittily he'd behaved (no idea what he said about me and don't care). Right from the start I didn't badmouth him or tell people what he was actually doing, and I got my reward when I was told that DH's line manager turned around to him and told him that I was the only person emerging from this with any dignity.

Thanks, Richard. Decades ago and I've not forgotten that, even if you have.

Unbelievable aren't they. He has spent so many years telling everyone that this ex he is now involved with again was a narcissistic, alienated him from his family and friends, drugged him, made him lose his job etc etc I could go on. His family detest her. She was horrendous when we first got together. She posted awful things about me on social media, messaged me on fake profiles, the list goes on. He.ay have made some of this up, who knows, bit She was awful to me. He's got himself into a bit of a pickle really.

Couldn't happen to a nicer guy, OP😂

It never ceases to amaze me the depth people will go to to ensure that other people think of them as the victim.

I split from my ex-husband due to domestic violence, he was arrested and wasn't allowed back in the house. He ended up staying with a friend of his. I bumped into the friend a few months later, and his friend said to me that he thought I was all out of order for kicking my ex-husband out due to his depression and mental health issues. My ex had failed to mention that he'd also been arrest for dv. And had blamed me for kicking him out due to his mental health issues - this was his reason for hitting me.

That's exactly it, they want to be seen as a victim and are more than happy to throw you under the bus to keep up their appearance of being a great guy.

This has just happened to me with my ex. I found out he told his brother I attacked him and have major anger issues! Which was utter rubbish and I had this brother message me awful things calling me crazy and psycho etc. worst thing was when I tried to say the truth he wouldn’t believe it and he still thinks I’m some awful man beater.

Sadly some people will manipulate the situation to gain sympathy and make them look the victim. All I have to remember is that I know the truth. These people may think awful things about me but eventually there will be another ex who will also be psycho and the victim role will play out again - maybe eventually they’ll question him and his behaviours, but he may just get away with it. At least it shows they don’t own any of their behaviours so we did right to get them out of our lives!