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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I saw the new girl on his instagram. It still hurts me.

6 replies

Lilllypad11 · 24/01/2024 09:14

So. Long story short. My ex and I split 4 months ago. He was so good to me. Until the end. Things started feeling off. I was getting recurring dreams he would leave. I was then starting to feel unable to cope with this weird feeling that something was off. Many months before I confronted him about this Omegle chat thing I saw on his phone. He insisted it was just to chat to other people to distract himself from me being at work all the time.

At this point the trust felt off. He reassured me and we carried on but it was always at the back of my mind.

He started acting Distant by the end of the relationship He changed his behaviour and the ways he was to me. I felt I couldn’t make him happy and I told him. But I also said something felt really off.

In the end he just got more and more distant. I had to drive to his house to figure out what was going on in his head. He wouldn’t touch me or come near me. 4 months later. I look on his insta. And there’s the new girl. All I feel is like this was my fault. Maybe I failed him. Maybe I took him for granted. Maybe I made him feel like he wasn’t good enough. Maybe when I asked for commitment after 5 years I was asking for too much. I regret so much. I just wish I could tell him how mad I am that he did this to me. But I feel like I need to see my self worth.

They were holding hands and looked so happy. He touched her hand the way he touched mine. It just feels so weird to see. 5 years and I feel like I don’t even know the man. I know I have to move on. But it really hurts to see. I’ve cried a lot of tears like it was day one of the break up. But I realised now. Ther e would be no taking him back. It happened once before we entered a committed relationship. I liked him and he supposedly didn’t know and went off with someone else and feels like history just repeated itself and this time I can’t watch or feel like I can wait around. 5 years. With promises of marriage and children. And this is what he does. Weirdly it’s like I feel less sad knowing how awful of a man he is.

OP posts:
HappiestSleeping · 24/01/2024 09:45

Break ups suck. One party usually doesn't want it to end, and so is more upset than the other. There is a way of doing it and a way not to do it, and your ex has revealed a character trait that would likely manifest in many other ways.

It won't help me saying, but I think you've dodged a bullet.

Holiday2024 · 24/01/2024 10:07

I was also with my partner for 5 years - we’ve been broken up a month and I am dreading this moment you are experiencing right now!

I can only send a virtual hug and try to reassure you that this rough patch will eventually get better. Everyone says it, but try to concentrate on yourself and heal! … also don’t check his social media’s - block block block!!! Save yourself the hurt. Ignorance is bliss and curiosity kills the cat! X

something2say · 24/01/2024 10:15

He couldn't have been your ideal partner then. He was uncool at the start, which if he loved you that much he couldn't even think of that, and now he's gone off again.

Tough lessons I've learned about men.....do nothing to attract or keep them. If they like you as you are, they are for you. No need to chase or overlook poor behaviour. And, only go with men who ADORE you. Dont chivvy along relationships with men who are lukewarm about you because you'll never change that and one day they will meet the woman they do adore. Don't waste your time if that is not you.

You've lost five years to this, but never mind. Work on your self in private and then sit back, do your thing and wait to meet a man who absolutely adores you. This guy wasn't good enough xxx

Lilllypad11 · 24/01/2024 11:28

HappiestSleeping · 24/01/2024 09:45

Break ups suck. One party usually doesn't want it to end, and so is more upset than the other. There is a way of doing it and a way not to do it, and your ex has revealed a character trait that would likely manifest in many other ways.

It won't help me saying, but I think you've dodged a bullet.

Maybe it’s my fault though. I just think maybe I made him so unhappy that he ended up leaving me.

OP posts:
HappiestSleeping · 24/01/2024 12:06

Lilllypad11 · 24/01/2024 11:28

Maybe it’s my fault though. I just think maybe I made him so unhappy that he ended up leaving me.

Another way of thinking about that might be that you and he have different expectations and / or are at different points on your individual time lines.

I can see why you might think that way, however it isn't fruitful. The facts are as they are, and to be honest, I believe that any line of thought where the underlying trend requires person A to behave in a manner that is not their natural way just to make person B happy is not realistic, sustainable, or desired. Let's say for a moment that you did do something. That would mean that you have to fundamentally change the person you are, and nobody should have to do that. Yes, all relationships require a level of compromise, however you should not need to change the person you are. Of course you had a part to play, every relationship has two participants, so I would cogitate for a bit and decide whether the part you played was true to your own values and work from there.

From what you've said, and based on my own life experience, I don't believe that there is anything you could have done to change the eventual outcome, and you could have eventually tied yourself in knots trying. I think this because of the way he played his hand.

It's easy for me to say, but take some time for you. Evaluate what you might have done differently, but please don't fall into the trap of living in the past. The situation is as it is, and you can only change how you approach things in future.

To expand on my original comment, there is a way to end a relationship, and there is a way not to end it. The way he ended it does not cover your ex in any glory whatsoever. Unfortunately it isn't uncommon. Find someone who doesn't need you to change the person you are. Whilst relationships require compromise, they shouldn't be hard work, and you absolutely should be free to be yourself and not walk about on eggshells second guessing how everything you do will be interpreted. I didn't realise how powerful this was until I met my wife. My relationship with her is expansive, and requires neither of us to change the people we fundamentally are. It took us a long time to find each other, but boy was it worth it.

Lastly, I have also had long term relationships that failed, and have previously spent many hours looking at the bottom of a beer glass wondering how I managed to waste so much time. Try not to do that, it is tempting, but not fruitful.

Letsbepractical · 24/01/2024 12:49

Dearest OP - it’s not your fault. You could have been the best partner for him but if he was not committed to you and the relationship with you IN HIS HEART, like truly committed, to work through whatever problems arise together, there’s nothing you could have done to save this relationship.
I was a truly patient, kind, understanding and supportive partner to someone for over 5 years, someone who claimed they were 100% invested in the relationship. In the end, he decided that he needed to ‘cut his own path’ and ended it, and started dating a few weeks later. I was stunned and shocked and went no contact, trying to heal. It was super painful, I felt so deceived.
It’s been 3 years and I’ve recently revisited my correspondence with him from our last months together (triggered by his voicemail on my phone informing about his engagement). I felt such a compassion for my younger self, I had been so loving, so heartbroken, so confused. If I were to give my younger self an advice I would say: it has nothing to do with who you are as a person. He’s not the one for you. There are many, many men out there and among them there may be someone who’ll truly value and love you.

Never overstay your presence in someone’s life, no matter how much you love them. Let them go and look ahead, into the future.

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