Will I ever be able to get over this pain

[Cc201602]

So I’m 5 months in after finding out my husband was having an affair which started when I was pregnant. It then transpired that no only was he having an affair with a younger woman, he then got her pregnant 1 month after our baby was born.

currently going through divorce and for the last month or so I’ve been coping ok but tonight has really got to me like I have just found out all over again. The pain and hurt I feel is unbearable. I just cannot believe the person I married could have done this to us … he has no remorse and doesn’t even bother to see our child. I don’t miss him, I just miss the idea of having a family unit. I feel so betrayed, ugly, useless as a person. He has completely humiliated me and made me feel less than human. I just want to pain to go away.

has anyone else been in this situation and if so how did you cope?

I'm so sorry to hear of your pain. I have experienced similar and it's the raw kind of pain that you cant imagine getting any better.

I'm 20 years down the line now and I will never forget the level of betrayal but I am happy. So much happier than if I stayed with him and he hadn't been up to all sorts.

For now it's all consuming, I hope you have people in real life. I was broken by it all back then. Now I have a lovely life surrounded by people that love me. I was so very lonely when it happened and couldn't ever see things getting better.

I care.

I didn't have a child but my exhusband was living a double life and I had no idea. He and his affair partner were expecting a baby together and I thought we were trying for our first. When he was found out and left, it was as though he had never cared for me at all and was hostile towards me. It all seemed to be out of character and such a shock.

I was devastated and so humiliated. I felt ashamed of myself for being stupid and that I must have done something to deserve such shitty treatment. I was always thinking about it.

Fast forward - I did find happiness again. Over time, the intense feelings faded and although I never thought the day would come, I stopped thinking about him.

At the time, I needed someone to tell me I was not to blame and lots of love from friends and family. Noone asking 'How did you not know??' It was all his choice and his deception.

Counselling helped as well.

Thank you. I just feel mentally drained and being pulled in all directions. Just feel like I’m runnninf out of steam x

I know you will be exhausted emotionally and none of this is your fault.

I can't promise you a magic wand to take your pain away but I can promise you

• in time the hurt will become bearable
• you will wake up and one day and realise the man you loved is an illusion and never existed. The man you thought you loved would never have done this. Its like grieving a death realising the man was never real but its the start of the process of healing or was for me anyway
• you are so much better without this loser of a specimen
• there will be a day you will see that you dodged a bullet
• there will be a day you start to feel joy again

It is sooooo tough.

I was ready to end it all this time last year, couldnt see any light. But got through, and much happier in myself and met someone who is 10x the person my wife was.

It still is tough in many ways. The finances, the fact the kids are not around all the time, arguing about stuff with each other. Loss of friendships, the fact that the 'dream' of having kids and being married 50 years and always having someone to support you is gone. That the family pictures cant be up on the wall anymore.

It is a cliche, but things do get better, even if, like me, you had considered extreme actions.

You know what I’m finding difficult? Is that when I have these random memories pop into my head I wonder if they were ever real? If he ever wanted the same things as me. It just makes me question our whole 12 years.

I know what you mean. I think I learned with the help of a counsellor is trying to make sense of some things in my head was only ever going to drive me mental and I wouldn't ever work some things out. I think the energy your putting into thoughts of him is energy he doesn't deserve. I know your in alot of pain but would it help to think of things that you want for your next chapter without him? Even small things like cooking your favourites instead of his, buying new cushions he didn't like, taking up an interest you never pursued and making mum friends. Every small action you take will be taking a step away from him and the pain the selfish twat has caused

You’ve been through so much OP - it’s normal to feel pain. It will get easier.

However, the feelings that you are ugly and useless are ones you need to nip in the bud right now. There is only one ugly and useless person in this scenario and it’s definitely not you. You are a loving, loyal, kind person. Hold your head up - there are better times ahead.

Turn to friend and family, cuddle your gorgeous baby and go and see your GP if it gets too much and you think you need professional help.

I feel so betrayed, ugly, useless as a person

It will help you to see the confusion in this sentence. He betrayed you. That was his action. And you view yourself as ugly and useless. That's your view of you. They are 2 unconnected things.

It may also help to understand that you will feel better, and that it's completely understandable that you feel the way you do. Anybody would.

Does your baby think you're useless? Focus there.

Honestly thank you for all your comments, it’s been good to read these and makes me realise you are right.

I will never understand why it happened but my positives are my daughter and that’s all that matter. My new adventure with her x

Op, for you and anyone else who's ever been in a similar position, here are some photos of other people who've been
cheated on, left for someone else, left while pregnant etc.

As you can see, they are all very ugly and useless.

Behaviour like this is purely a reflection on the person doing it, end of story.

Anyone can want out of a relationship .... And they tell their partner so and end the relationship with decency and integrity and make any arrangements to coparent; they don't have to cheat, set up another partner, get the other partner pregnant, overlap etc That is messy, disordered, no integrity, sociopathic/narc-y behaviour.

Your ex is one Jeremy Kyle contestant mess of an individual. Just like if you look at the cheaters involved in each case below, there is something wrong with them too.

he has no remorse and doesn’t even bother to see our child

Classic sociopath/narc.

Very likely has a personality disorder.

He'll be like this his whole life.

Best not to have your wagon hitched to someone like this.

I can't promise you a magic wand to take your pain away but I can promise you

• in time the hurt will become bearable
• you will wake up and one day and realise the man you loved is an illusion and never existed. The man you thought you loved would never have done this. Its like grieving a death realising the man was never real but its the start of the process of healing or was for me anyway
• you are so much better without this loser of a specimen
• there will be a day you will see that you dodged a bullet
• there will be a day you start to feel joy again

So true.

100% 👆

I never thought I would get over my ex, but I rarely think about him these days

Healing isn't linear. You will have down periods but then you'll start moving forward again. It really made me smile to read about your daughter and your new adventure together. What a scumbag he is. You will be ok and most importantly you have your amazing daughter x

Thank you, I needed to hear that. I really appreciate your kind/positive words x

@Cc201602

You have to grieve it all. It will take time but one day it won't hurt anymore.

I've been where you are. Now I feel nothing for him. I think the opposite of love isn't hate. To me it's indifference.