How do you cope with a narcissistic mother?

[Rainbowpeanut02]

long rant post ahead

Me and my mother have never really had that mother daughter relationship from as far as I can remember. Growing up, she wasn’t there emotionally or physically, and never showed an interest in anything I did whether it was school work or university. Our home life consisted of fear, a lot of name calling from her and screaming matches between me, my sister and my dad whom she divorced, just to get the extra child support money from.

I am now happily married and living overseas but my mother and sister are still in the U.K. but living separately. My mother’s attitude has changed, she’s say more sensitive but it’s still the same and I think I see narcissistic tendencies in her. Everything is always about her, she shines the light on me when she wants and takes it away when she wants and just doesn’t acknowledge anything negative that happened in my childhood and just loves to play the victim. I know there’s no point mentioning half my childhood stories as she will say I’m making them up. It really hit when I got married a few years ago and she made inappropriate comments infront of my in laws about them to me, joked about my friends skin colour which is not funny, and then berated my in laws and family at the leaving dinner and was angry and sulking when she wasn’t the centre of attention. Even at the wedding she would make sure she was the centre of attention even at the most inappropriate of times.

I understand that now she is getting older but I’m having a hard time trying to forget the past and I feel as though my sister has babied her by taking care of my mothers accommodation issues and just life in general.

For reference, my mom is not a native English speaker but has lived and worked in the U.K. for over 30 years, so her English is of a high standard. Even when speaking to my in laws who are from her country and her own family back home, she chooses to speak in English and not her native language which I find so bonkers. But when you put her on the spot to make a doctors appointment she says she doesn’t know how and doesn’t know what to say even when you tell her what to do.

My sister has said that I may need to make the calls for her for her housing issues mainly, but again I live overseas with a time difference and would need to purchase international minutes to do this stuff, when she is there and can do it herself? I feel as though my sister has spoilt her in doing things and now my mother has become so reliant on her which I don’t think is right.

I think things have hit home more as I’m currently pregnant and realised I haven’t got a mum I can call and get advise on what to do, so kinda feel all alone.

I guess what I’m trying to ask is how if possible can you move forward from all of this? Is my mom taking advantage? Is it even possible to have a relationship with her? I just feel as though it’s a shame, instead of learning what to do, I’ve learnt what not to do as a mother.

You sound like a very smart person,you'll make your own way as a mother.

Sounds like you won't be emotionally abusive to your child either.

Do what is best for you.

I need to remember my own advice 😂

Sounds like your sister is playing the role of Adult Daughter Service Provider. Let her! Be grateful! If she wasn't doing it, your Mother could be demanding you be the service provider. This is good news.

Its sad OP that she will never be the mother you want or need. She will not change, That being so, cut your losses and distance yourself emotionally by reducing contact to the minimum and not expecting "real" interactions when you do speak, just superficial ones. If you try to keep up a "normal" relationship you will be constantly disappointed and depressed by her attitude and behaviour, and feeling rejected. Best to do it in sadness rather than anger, if you can. As for her care needs, if your sister wants to be involved that is her choice but you don't have to do so as well. It might be good to tell your sister where you are coming from, though, so that she knows not expect equal involvement from you. It's lonely for you to contemplate, but really the hoped for support from your DM will not be there. You can get it from others though, especially friends, maybe church or other community. Stay strong, it will get easier as you protect yourself with distance in time and space.

January 2024 - Well we took you to Stately Homes | Mumsnet

In short you don't cope and a lot of people cut contact or go low contact. They never change and some get worse as they get older

I choose to help my mother financially, which has allowed me to go low contact without too much blowback. She likes attention but will happily settle for cash. You need to emotionally separate yourself even when she is being loving, because none of her interactions are ever going to be authentic and you need to develop a buffer

I guess what I’m trying to ask is how if possible can you move forward from all of this? Is my mom taking advantage? Is it even possible to have a relationship with her? I just feel as though it’s a shame, instead of learning what to do, I’ve learnt what not to do as a mother.

You can move forward from it, by accepting (as much as you can) that your mum will not change….she’s probably not capable of change even if she wanted it. So you move forward by holding boundaries and prioritising you and your own family. Say no to making the housing calls if you think she is capable of it. Just because your sister enables her bad behaviour doesn’t mean you have to.

It is a shame to not have the relationship you’d love to have with your mother. I think it’s like a deep loss when you have a mother like this. Some need deep inside goes unmet. It’s a life long thing too. Sadly you will never get want you want or need from her. So you have to nurture other relationships and get your needs met through them. I think the period of time when you have your own children is when a lot of people reflect on their own experience of childhood and parenting. Sometimes this can be painful when you have a renewed understanding of how awful your parent was and how vulnerable young children are.

I think to move forward the goal could be to accept she is who she is, and try to build what little healthy relationship you are able to have on the basis of who she actually is, whilst having VERY strong boundaries to protect yourself from her negative affect on you. eg if she is rude at family events, then she doesn’t get invited.

I had an awful relationship with my mum. I still feel a lot of anger about it, and struggled when my kids were young. I seem to have reached an ok place with her now though. I think I just have a very surface level relationship with her and know not to expect anymore. Occasionally (rarely) there is an issue but I know I am willing to cut contact with her if needed and can say no to her without feeling guilty. That has been a game changer for me.

sending hugs X im in the same position with my mum ( and sister but that is a whole nother story ) , worst but for me was the guilt ate me up for along time , im not gonna lie took years , ive gone low contact rather than no contact , as theres grand/great grandchildren to consider. i still feel sad when i see a mother and daughter so close and obviously have a good relationship , my kids dont see her more than 1/2 a year which too is a shame but when she does she talks non stop about her other grandkids and has no interest in mine and its very very fake and superficial .

watch doctor ramani podcast ( theres about 4/5 really good ones ) , she literally explains things so i now have a better understanding of how there brains work which has helped me process my anger and frustration toward her , i dont have her phone number and she doesnt have mine , i get b.day / xmas presents but thats literally it , this doctor helped me understand she isnt aware of her behaviour and she will never change.

Let go of any and all hope that she will change and say sorry because she will not.

You will not turn into your mother because you have two qualities she entirely lacks; empathy and insight.

I was not at all surprised to read your mother treated your dad badly. Women like this cannot do relationships at all so the men in their lives often are as narcissistic as they are or are otherwise discarded. Your dad was basically discarded. Your sister is unreasonable to ask you to potentially make phone calls re your mother's housing needs from where you are overseas.

It is NOT possible to have a relationship with a narcissist. I would drop the rope that she holds out to you completely and further over time lower all interactions with her to zero sum. You owe her nothing, let alone a relationship and you will need to keep your as yet unborn child well away from her too. You already have physical distance, now develop more mental distance.

It is a shame to not have the relationship you’d love to have with your mother. I think it’s like a deep loss when you have a mother like this. Some need deep inside goes unmet. It’s a life long thing too. Sadly you will never get want you want or need from her. So you have to nurture other relationships and get your needs met through them

I was nodding in recognition at the first part of OP's post and this comment. Unfortunately it is a life long thing - I've been reflecting lately on my relationship with DM (I'm 69, she died in 2008) and feeling a lot of - grief? regret? - that we never had sort of relationship that a lot of mothers and daughters have. Ours was largely superficial, not helped (or perhaps it was) by her going to Australia in my 30s. Someone asked me 'will you miss her?' and although I said yes, of course. I thought to myself, how do you miss someone who's never been there?

Thanks everyone for your comments, I’ve read through them all and it’s really opened my eyes to the type of person that she is. I guess I always try to see the good in people but sometimes that just can’t be done.

For added context my sister has just changed jobs so due to her new working hours it may be difficult for her to cater to my mums housing needs, which is why she asked for my assistance as she’s feeling overwhelmed. I don’t think I will want to get myself involved in this and have already said this to my sister that I don’t feel the same way in regards to helping her this much when she can do a lot of things herself. Of course this went down like a lead balloon!

Also, we were both helping my mum financially every month for the last couple of years but I did it more out of a duty and didn’t want to be the ‘bad daughter’ for not helping. I’m a bit bitter regarding this as we lost our childhood home due to my mother’s ill spending and treating all her ‘guy friends’ and she still hasn’t learnt, hence the financial contributions and housing issues.

At present, we currently have low contact, mainly due to me and when I do make the effort to call, there’s just nothing to say.

I kind of realised now that I won’t have that mother daughter relationship, it sucks, but I just have to get up and move on and do what’s best for me and my family.

Please feel free to ignore if it is too painful to reply to…..
but Do you mind sharing how you felt around her death? I really fear my mum dying. I put so little effort into seeing her and really dislike her, but I worry when she passes I’ll feel strong guilt or shame (even though the current situation is of her own making). On the flip side I wonder if I’ll feel anything at all. I don’t know how you grieve for someone who is your mother but who you have no relationship with and dislike.

Please feel free to ignore if it is too painful to reply to…..
but Do you mind sharing how you felt around her death? I really fear my mum dying. I put so little effort into seeing her and really dislike her, but I worry when she passes I’ll feel strong guilt or shame (even though the current situation is of her own making). On the flip side I wonder if I’ll feel anything at all. I don’t know how you grieve for someone who is your mother but who you have no relationship with and dislike

Very mixed, but this is surfacing years later. She was diagnosed with terminal cancer and I went out to see her for her birthday, expecting tantrums and anger, but she was calm and accepting and quite laid back. On the way back I thought, THAT was the mother I wanted all these years; not the angry ranting functioning alcoholic I had a lot of the time. It's only in the last three years that I've been examining my feelings about her - DF died when we were children and she passed up any chance of another relationship to keep us secure, went out to work after being a SAHM. We weren't neglected materially, but the emotional connection and interest just wasn't there. I've often wondered if it ever was, or if DF's death just exacerbated it.

We did have a relationship, but it was superficial. No deep conversations, because she always had to be right. It was helped by our not seeing each other for a couple of years at a time, of course. 😀I think there was a huge trauma in her childhood (she was an evacuee) and that was never dealt with. I've felt guilt the last few years, thinking of the ways I could have been a better daughter, but there were ways she could have been a better mother, as well - she definitely had narc traits. I think as well she was very suspicious of deep emotions and discussing things like that.

In conclusion, i feel a vast compassion for her. I do wish sometimes I could go back with the insights I've gained (a lot of them from MN) but I can't, so there is no point beating myself up about it. I did and do grieve for her though - how much that is what I didn't have I don't know.

And do I miss her? no. She could be funny, witty, kind, she was a great cook and loved reading (which she passed on to me) - she could also be bloody awful and hurtful.

I never had a mother and daughter relationship with my DM and even though she's long dead I'm resentful and I hate her. She saw me as competition and was gleeful if something bad happened to me.

She parentified me and called herself a girl until she died at 70. Like your DM she spent recklessly on herself and fully expected the rest of the world to pick up the slack because she was so special. I eventually went no contact.

There's a fabulous thread on here about Narcisstic mothers that's helping me to reconcile how I feel.

I could have written this word for word.

@MrsDanversGlidesAgain thanks for sharing your thoughts.

I felt anger when my DM died, I didn't grieve for her and I've never missed her. I missed her when I was a child and a young adult and when I used to beg her to help me.

Some grieve for the parent they didn't have but I had long given that up. The way she behaved when my DF died (and the only parent who did anything for me) was appalling.

I still feel anger and I am trying to unpick what was the point of her constant cruelty, emotional neglect and constant need for more. I wish my DF were here to help me through it.

I think you feel what you feel. We are all survivors and we all do our best. But my DM was a spiteful, nasty bitch and I think she hated me so much because as an adult I could see her for what she was.