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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Domestic abuse

10 replies

SMN42 · 23/01/2024 19:33

I’m so sad. Yesterday I was in police custody for 11 hours after my husband made a malicious allegation against me. He got out the car after shouting so loud for 10 mins it could’ve damaged my eardrums. All abusive and hateful evil stuff, telling my I had miscarriages on purpose, if I can’t give him a baby he will find another woman who can, telling me he’s not going to look after my bastard daughter all his life (my daughter has autism) screaming at me telling me I destroyed his life by marrying him and that he didn’t expect this life, he is Indian so he said I only wanted an “Indian slave” … he was screaming saying he left his parents in his home country for me and if something happens to them it’s my fault, telling me my family hate me and I have no friends - it went on and on and on …

apparently he called the police after I let him out at the side of the road. He made it sound like he was terrified I was trying to find him in my car and run him over. He was running about erratically whenever he saw a car that looked like mine. Apparently the police picked him up and took him to work. He has a pre-existing leg injury and said I damaged his knee (ABH) and slapped him. All I did was stop the car and begged him to leave me alone and stop shouting at me. I didn’t touch him. I drove home, got my daughter and took her to school, drove home again and was in floods of tears. I heard banging on my doors and windows - it was violent banging. It was the police. Neighbours later said that they were about to take the door down.
I had riot vans and police cars outside my house and 8 male cops came in and arrested me as if I was a terrorist and danger to the public. Had I been in the shower they’d have just arrested me naked. I wasn’t allowed to put proper clothes on. That was it. In front of neighbours I was ushered into a riot van - terrified and shaking (but compliant - I didn’t resist, but I was distressed) I told the police that I was being abused !

He didn’t provide an official statement … I was eventually let out after my police interview with “no further action” - it caused distress to my family and kids. I missed my job interview. I was having anxiety attacks in the police cell and my heart was pounding. Eventually, 5 hours later I was told I could have a book to read so I asked for a Bible. I read many passages of the Bible and prayed and cried.

I will never get over this. I was already suffering major depressive disorder and PTSD before he did this to me …. And now I’m sat here on my own and need to talk to someone. I feel so betrayed by the one man I should’ve been able to trust with all my heart. I’m broken. Utterly broken he did this to me. My husband actually had be arrested for a very serious offence - one that could’ve sent me to prison and one that caused multiple officers to “take me down” - as if I was wielding some kind of weapon or something. Why did he do this to me? He hates me. He really really hates me.

OP posts:
misssunshine4040 · 23/01/2024 19:37

I'm so so you have had to go through this awful experience.
Please now protect you and your daughter from this monster.

Please look after yourself and don't question why he did this too much. He's a piece of trash and his reasons are irrelevant.

Massive handhold and strength xxxx

Blueeyedmale · 23/01/2024 19:43

misssunshine4040 · 23/01/2024 19:37

I'm so so you have had to go through this awful experience.
Please now protect you and your daughter from this monster.

Please look after yourself and don't question why he did this too much. He's a piece of trash and his reasons are irrelevant.

Massive handhold and strength xxxx

100 per cent this! bin him now get you and your daughter away from him.by getting rid you are also protecting yourself from any of his malicious allegations and mind games.

Your life and that that of your daughter will be so much better with kicking that vile excuse for a man to the kerb

SMN42 · 23/01/2024 19:49

Thank you for replying. I didn’t know if anyone would. Your kind words mean the world to me and give me strength. Thank you xxx

OP posts:
NotMyFirstChoiceofName · 23/01/2024 19:50

To answer your question - why did he do this to me ?

Here’s my guesses .

To punish you for having disobeyed him or because you said or did something he didn’t like

To get in there first because he’s always abusing you, to try to make sure that the police see him as the victim

To control you and show you that he has the power over you.

Do any of these fit?

Are you ready to leave him yet? Because it’s going to get worse, not better. I’m afraid that you and your DD are at serious risk from him.

SMN42 · 23/01/2024 20:11

Thank you. Yes - they all fit ☹️ I don’t want to see him again because I am scared he will put me in prison and I hate the way he speaks about my daughter. I do miss him because of the attachment and I only wanted him to be happy and love me. He’s made sure that the marriage is over by doing this. Even if I wanted to be with him I just can’t. I’m so hurt and confused. I just don’t know how anyone can be so evil 😔

OP posts:
BigTubOfLard · 23/01/2024 21:12

@SMN42 Have a good cry and let it all out.

My vile ex-husband did the same to me - twice! As another poster said, he did it to get in first and paint ME as the abusive one.

After I got away from him I spent quite a lot of time asking, "Why? Why me? Why is he horrible to me? I didn't do anything to deserve this." And then one day the answer came to me, "Just because. He simply is that way - no reason, he just is." Whether by nature or nurture, he developed into a hideous parastic excuse for a human being who derived pleasure from a twisted sense of control.

But here's the good news. You're awake to this nightmare and that means it's the beginning of the end; the end of this nasty relationship. Go ahead and cry for the relationship that should have been - the relationship you deserved. Then when you've finished crying make your plans to leave. We're all here for you and will answer all the practical questions you have xx

P.S. It's been almost 10 years since I got away from my monster. I have thrived and you will too.

SMN42 · 24/01/2024 09:02

Twice??? Im so sorry you went through this. I don’t even know how anyone can do this to someone they don’t like, let alone your own wife who you’re supposed to love. I guess trying to think about why is never going to really give me the answers I’m looking for. I hoped he’d change and be more tolerant and understanding of me, and eventually he would just enjoy life with me and I’d get out of this depression. It’s never going to happen, no matter what I say or do. He constantly thinks everything is a personal attack on him and that I’ve ruined his life - even small things like leaving the light on is treating him like a slave. He was trying to contact family in the evening while I was still in custody, telling them that he was concerned about me being alone at home when released and that I should stay with family for the night after being locked up. (He wasn’t home because he’d already been to the house with my family to collect his stuff so it wasn’t because he wanted to avoid me) I found that level of concern really odd after getting me locked up in the most dramatic and traumatic way possible - with riot vans and a gang of police and a battering ram to actually take down my door. It wasn’t a normal arrest with 2 police officers. There were 8 officers in my house. It’s the sort of thing you only see if someone is wielding a weapon - like a terrorist or drug factory raid. I still don’t know what he said about me to make it sound like I was such a danger to the public.

OP posts:
ChangedUserName13 · 24/01/2024 09:28

@SMN42 didn't want to read and run

Are you receiving help for your PTSD and your depression?

Have you had any type of counselling or CBT?

You say you're at home and he's collected his things already; whose house is it? Maybe have the locks changed if it's in your name solely - incase he returns.

Also, have a look at the freedom programme. He sounds like he is emotionally abusive towards you.

I wouldn't worry about the neighbours! Who cares what they think - they're probably just being nosey if they was around and saw anything.

BloodyAdultDC · 24/01/2024 09:41

My ex threatened to tell the police I'd downloaded CSA images as hed installed a keylogger on the PC (massive lie, I work in education, it would have ended my career and destroyed our family).

It is all about control - I especially noted that you'd missed a job interview - he doesn't want you to have any financial independence either does he?

Time to separate and get away, for your daughter's sake.

Nonplusultra · 24/01/2024 09:48

Call women’s aid. It may take some time to get through but please persist. They will be able to advise you on the steps you need to take.

You need to be strong now - and you are. You have survived this ordeal, and reached out here to us.

The next step is to call women’s aid. You can do this.

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