Iâm going to offer a perception of your issue led by my intuition, what I refer to as my highest intelligence. This is what I do for a living. I hope you find this supportive!
First, I know your pain because I experienced this with my former husband whose way of coping was to abandon me and duck himself into long hours of video games, lots of beer, and the excitement of other women. The most important thing here is not what he did, even though it was so painful for me to live around. These were the ways in which he chose to cope. He could have used his pain as a source of fuel for his growth. But he didnât. He chose to stuff his emotions and cover up his sadness with activities heâd enjoyed when he wasnât depressed, before the long work hours and personal struggles of shame.
We all experience pain and struggle in a social way of life that requires very long hours to be able to make ends meet. One will get depressed when the perception of pressure on the outside is too great for someone to create balance within so they can feel their emotions and adjust them accordingly.
Take for instance the ability to see a painful experience for what it is. Letâs say a commute to work that requires someone to wake up before the sun rises and takes aways his ability to see his children before they go to sleep. This would cause most people feelings of deep sadness if their values are compromised.
Now with that, one could take this situation to abandon himself and disintegrate his values, instead creating more disturbances equal to or greater in energy. Or he could self-reflect, taking into consideration that the disturbances of stress, sleeplessness, and strain at home when he is not able to see his children are a reflection of his desires missing from his reality. He would see this and take on the perception of change to match his values. He would not abandon himself, his needs, or his family.
I understand there are influences that make changes a challenge. But when emotions are ignored, there will be no change. Without transcending the emotion, thoughts about what isnât working will linger. The person will suffer. The body will disintegrate (sex drive, ability to hold emotional space for you, depression, exhaustion.
Are you being heartless to someone with depression? That depends on your perception. Do you value living with someone who is unwilling to care for his own needs, and therefore not have the energy to give to those he loves? Do you want a partner that contributes to the functions of a family and a relationship? These are the questions to ask yourself. In this, you will find your values. If you will live by your values, you will create the intentions that will allow you to bring them to your reality. But if you do not reflect on your values, you will continue living in codependency and self-abandonment. You can be heartless to yourself. When living in your integrity, allowing yourself to be honest to your deep truth, you can never be stupid.
With eyes wide open, you will get through this quickly. So much love to you!