Heartbroken by children

[Jabberwocky78]

I want to do the best for my children. Left ex 12 years ago and went to court a few years ago because youngest was acting aggressively. Fast forward to now, I’ve refused to provide a reference for something so to punish me both children have been turned against me. They don’t want to know my side of things and both shouted at me some rather minor things but most hurt fully that they don’t want me. I’m struggling badly with this. When they are here I often feel I’m being subtly abused. We have a court order. But what is the point in me chasing it if they are set on not wanting me. But mostly don’t see a point to my life without them. Financial and emotional abuse through them has gone on for years. I don’t think I have anymore fight in me for people who are clearly so groomed into thinking I’m worthless. If I give up they may believe I don’t love them but if I engage legal support he will go harder on turning them against me. All advice appreciated please.

I'm so sorry OP, that sounds awful and very difficult. How old are your children now? How much time do they spend with him?

Normally a week at each house sadly, he kept using the step sister to get that, then took finances away, had a few years of relative peace, here he is again! They are 13 and 16.

They are at that stressful at times teenage years. I'm sure when they become fully adults in their twenties, they'll realise and appreciate you more

Nothing worse than parents using children to get at ex partners. His behaviour is disgusting, let you children know you miss them and they are welcome back anytime but take a step back for your own sanity. Just give it a little time and I’m sure they will see the truth

Yes but it’s apparently all my own fault. I should have just done what he wanted to protect them.

I don’t expect them to appreciate me, being a good mother is the bare minimum children deserve.
Im more concerned about them really, the words they said weren’t there’s, I know this, my daughter is fed up of my menopause and to be honest so am I!
She needs me and I’m not quite there, I forget so many things.
Who would want a mother like that?

my daughter is fed up of my menopause and to be honest so am I!
She needs me and I’m not quite there, I forget so many things.

Asking this with kindness but I'm a bit confused by this op. Your previous posts seemed to suggest that he has turned your children against you...yet here you seem to concede that you may be at fault in some way...

Its a long story. I haven’t been feeling great so now this is being used against me because I refused a reference.
I’m sick of forgetting things and feeling like shit, but doing everything I can to get it sorted and keep on top of everything.
He has always tried anything to turn them against me and now this is the latest.
But maybe he’s right. Maybe I am useless. I’ve put up with his shit a long time. Perhaps he’s finally broken me and they are better off without me.

No they're definitely better off with you in their lives. My dc are the same age...they are often grumpy with me... It's quite normal for teens to be like this... however in your situation it sounds like it's being exasperated by the issues with your ex and his behaviour. On top of that it sounds like you are feeling low anyway.

I really think you should see your GP and ask for some help with your mental health/menopause. Once you start to feel well in yourself you will be better placed to improve your relationship with your kids.

What reference did you not provide, Op?

Not all of your posts make your situation clear to me ( could be me!).

It’s not you.

OP, sorry you’re feeling so low. However, it’s not clear from your posts what is actually happening/has happened.

For whom did you refuse to provide a reference? How have you children been turned against you and in what way are you being abused?

For fostering, I told the social worker why I don’t feel they would be good. It can be a brutal process I don’t feel they would be good to the child’s parent, would put the child’s needs first my eldest doing exams atm and youngest gets anxiety anyway, we are also being tested for a genetic condition so regardless of the historic rape and financial abuse, It’s not good timing. Asked social worker to be careful what she tells him.
He then told kids it’s all my fault they don’t get to foster and change children’s lives, all because of me, so my kids are refusing to come home.
I have pointed out to him telling them this is breaching the court order and if it continues I’d take it further to protect them. This is all the result.
Had youngest screaming in my face.
Feel let down by social services and annoyed I stood up for myself again because it gets put on the kids.
My stupid autistic sense of justice and desire to no longer be down trodden has ended up upsetting the kids.
Since first post they’ve replied to say they love me.
Sorry for vagueness my poor brain is scrambling to make sense.

I have an appointment Friday.
Thank you, it’s just all rubbish timing. I’m trying to work, study, navigate their and my hormones and be relentless in finding out if I have a genetic condition.
It’s like it’s all a bit on fire and I’m not sure how to put it out.

Again, you seem to be assuming people reading this have background knowledge about you and your family. As we don’t, it’s not entirely clear what’s going on.

Was it your ex and his new partner who put you down as a reference for fostering? And what historic rape and financial abuse? What does the court order say?

Regardless, I’m sorry you feel this way, but I don’t know if you’ll get any helpful advice on here unless you clarify the situation.