Feeling disconnected from partner since being pregnant

[xaxayxey]

I’m currently 38 weeks pregnant so granted, I’m pretty hormonal but I feel like me and my boyfriend are slowly becoming more and more disconnected as my pregnancy progresses.

Throughout our pregnancy we have both had some big stresses (not baby related) happen which has no doubt had an effect. I know he’s stressed about money as he is supporting his mum due to her mental health struggles and he is going to have me and baby on his plate once my maternity pay starts. I’ve always tried my best to support him through what has been happening.

He works pretty long hours so I try to take care of all the house work so he can have his time to relax but I do ask for the odd bit of help now I’m so pregnant. He does the things I ask but I can tell he would rather not help, which upsets me sometimes because why wouldn’t he jump to help his heavily pregnant girlfriend any way he can? His attitude almost reminds me of a teenager at times and I’m noticing a bit of a selfish side I had never seen before.

Ive had a couple of conversations about how I’ve been feeling and I’ve almost bullet pointed what I need from him for me to feel loved and appreciated but I’ve only had very tiny changes in behaviour for a day then it’s like nothing was said.

I feel like he’s almost paying me lip service when he says oh don’t worry I love you so so much and my feelings for you haven’t changed, but what he isn’t understanding is that we’re becoming roommates already and baby isn’t even here yet. I don’t want a roommate, I want my soulmate back that made me want a baby with him in the first place.

Is it normal for men to withdraw before the arrival of a baby? How can I get more love out of him without pushing him too much? Is this a sign he regrets getting pregnant? Am I asking for too much?

He does the things I ask but I can tell he would rather not help

He's doing that because he wants to communicate to you how annoyed he is and that he doesn't want you to ask this of him, without actually having to tell you that. He'd rather you guess it on your own so he doesn't have to be the bad guy.

I've seen someone close to me behave this way - he stiffens up when he actually has to do something as small as fetch a fucking teaspoon from the kitchen counter that wasn't at his immediate convenience right in front of him. It infuriating to watch because he's clearly not happy, yet will deny he's annoyed, deny he's making a show of it.

It's fucking cruel to gaslight someone like that. They want to take a stab at you but not give you any way to call them out on their behaviour, because they want to keep doing it without there being any consequences. They leave you sad, exasperated, angry, grasping at straws, even suggesting they're going mad.....whilst doing a smug 'ha ha' inside their heads at you. They make the behaviour obvious enough to be seen....but subtle enough so not to give you much to argue about. It's nasty.

I'm afraid trying to rationalise it might not get you very far. He may not even understand these feelings much himself. I think some men feel almost annoyed when their partner is pregnant because it's the end of their youth, as they see it, and suddenly, instead of seeing you as an equal partner they want to help, they see you as some kind of new mother for them, always 'bossing' them around, telling them what to do! No fair! So when you say he seems like a teenager, I totally believe you.

This isn't normal and you might need help to change it (if it doesn't change) as it might get worse once the baby is here. At the end of my pregnancy my DH was doing everything, he might complain that I don't get around to everything but that's different from doing nothing. It sounds like weaponised incompetence - trying to make you think he can't do it before the baby comes and honestly you shouldn't be working this hard to please someone and get nothing back.

I would suggest getting in touch with Relate and maybe consider a couples counsellor. If this doesn't work you might find long term it's easier to co-parent that be a patsy for his bad behaviour.