Stay or Go ??

[DenL23]

Husband of 22 years, been together 26, brought up before Christmas about how he thinks we clearly don't get on anymore, haven't had sex for years, how he doesn't like me going out with the girls (convo started after me going to a very tipsy bottomless brunch day), that we do nothing together and he basically thinks we're over. I was shocked he said it, but truthfully I've felt the same for years. We put it aside for Christmas as had our 3 sons here. Eldest is 24, then 20 and youngest is coming up 16 doing his GCSE's in the summer. We said we're not going to say or do anything until youngest's exams are over in July. We still get on and are being very amicable, still sleeping in the same bed. It helps he works away Mon-Friday. I've said I agree as even if we tried to make it work I really don't think we'll sustain it. He's never been the best husband and father, never helped with the kids, I did everything, doesn't do anything around the house, sit's on his phone all evening and weekend. He's a lovely man, but just can't seem to show affection or how he feels, not being involved in the kids when they were little infuriated and upset me and my feelings for him disappeared. I've put some possible scenarios forward to him but had no input back. He seems sad and I am too and as much as I was adamant I'd had enough too and splitting was the right thing to do, I've started to think this week if we're going to wait until July anyway, should we try to make it work?? It'll take a lot of effort on both parts, but surely it's worth trying for the sake of not splitting the family up. Not sure what I'm actually posting for but any guidance would be greatly received. To make it worse, a few months before all this we had offered our eldest and his girlfriend to come here (they pay a lot for their flat) to help them save and we'd convert the garage for them to live in. If we were doing this we should be starting to sort it already, but if we split and possibly have to sell the house it's stupid to start that process. How do we explain why we haven't started anything yet. And if I take it over I will have to be careful with money so shouldn't be paying out on a conversion!

People get bogged down in their sunk costs; that applies equally to your H as well.

Why do you call him "a lovely man" when all that you write about him is anything but?. He does not like you going out with your female friends, that is controlling behaviour on his part and such is rooted in abuse. You've carried it all here over the years and what has he done to improve things between you?. He's done bugger all really but you were shocked that he said you were over despite thinking the same for years. He probably wants you to be the one to end it so he can go around saying, "oh she left me", he is that cowardly. You're both together now out of habit, you think its "easier" to stay together (it is clearly not) and the sunk costs fallacy. Better to be from a so called broken home than to remain in one.

You're kicking the can down the road by waiting until July and then likely something else will turn up delaying the inevitable yet again. You're going to have to tell your son that the garage conversion is now off and will be off permanently. Your marriage is dead and has been for years. If you've stayed for the sake of the children its been a mistake and your youngest is not also going to say thanks mum to you for staying. Your adult children certainly know that things between you and their father are not great and they perhaps wonder why you remain with him. They are not stupid and have likely picked up on all the vibes, both spoken and unspoken, here. This has been no marriage example to show them.

My DH sounds similar to yours. We have been in a long marriage too, and for the last couple of years I was agonising over should I stay or should I go. Like so many people in this situation i was worried about the dc and finances. I just couldn't see a way forward and felt so trapped.

I spoke to people in my life as well as online, and the overwhelming feeling was that "Life is short- why waste it being unhappy?" This started to make more and more sense to me. I couldn't bear the thought of the rest of my life in this marriage, however much i tried to tell myself that DH has his good points, and it would be better for the dc etc.

I got to the point where I felt I had tried everything to make the marriage work - counselling, talking, trying to change my expectations and behaviour. Nothing worked.

I decided to tell DH a few months ago that we are over. It has been very difficult at times - I think the end of a long marriage is likened to a bereavement, and there are similar emotions of anger, denial, grief etc that come up. But I feel more and more of a sense of a relief and looking forward to freedom. He is moving out in a few weeks and I can't wait. I know it's going to be a long road ahead but I feel sure that it's the right decision.

Can you see yourself ever being happy if you stay with your DH? Or will you always feel that you are living a half life?

I agree with not waiting until the exams are over, make the move now. Will he move out until GCSE’s are over and then sort the house?

Same boat here. He's a really lovely man and I'm worried I'll regret it but have felt for a few years that my life has been on hold. We've had the conversation and it's going to happen but I feel worse for it in many ways. I'm split between wishing I'd tried harder and knowing that I'd always wonder what if if I stayed - and that it's likely I'd feel like splitting again in the future. Too late now for this as it's happening. Good luck Op.

I've put some possible scenarios forward to him but had no input back

and

It'll take a lot of effort on both parts

Can you see the flaw in your plan? Why do you think he'll 'make an effort'? What 'effort' do you want him to make?

Thanks ladies, I suppose the stark realisation that we're actually at the make or break point makes me think we could try and work on things, at least then we'll know we tried.

The only things to work on are him being more present, more interested in me, the house, the boys and me maybe being aware of the things he doesn't like (he was annoyed about the brunch because I didn't ring to say I'd be late 😬) but he knew where I was (5 mins up the road). He never says have a nice time, never tells me I look nice so why would I think to ring him when he shows no interest in what I'm doing.

I still worry about telling my youngest he's gonna struggle with his exams so I don't want to add to it, but like you say he knows we don't get on so who am I kidding?

As for moving out, yes he could although he works away all week so would be paying for somewhere that he only spends 3 nights in. So one of my suggestions was separate bedrooms and him have the dining room as a lounge. Not sure if it would work but I was thinking financially, I could live like it but not sure he could.

I really appreciate your comments the sentence "you're marriage is dead" did hit me and seemed very stark but very true and I thank you for your honesty 🥰

As for moving out, yes he could although he works away all week so would be paying for somewhere that he only spends 3 nights in.

Why would he not move to where his work is?

PaminaMozart - we live in the Midlands and he works for a local Midlands Company, but nearly all their work is in London or other major cities. Leaves at 4.00am Mondays and comes back Friday pm. If no work away they go to the company premises to work

Feeling like your life is on hold is how I feel, I feel stuck.
We had the conversation, he said he wanted to try again and change, it lasted 4 days 🤣

He never says have a nice time, never tells me I look nice so why would I think to ring him when he shows no interest in what I'm doing

But why would he show an interest if you're not even letting him know stuff he needs to know? Looks like you're trying to assign responsibility for your behaviour to him. Pointing the finger avoids saying 'We're too different, so this doesn't work.' It looks like most of the changing that you feel needs to be done is by him, so I doubt he agrees? And if he doesn't agree that he's the one making the marriage fail, why would he be the one to do nearly all the trying?

It's not making sense, what you're saying. 'He makes no effort, so we just need to put in some more effort'. It's like saying something is dead, so the way to bring it to life is to just make it less dead. It doesn't work like that. He's not present because he doesn't want to be, not because he's not trying hard enough.

Watchkeys - thank you, you have made so much sense of what I've said and made me see it a lot clearer. I need to take responsibility for my lack of input in this marriage and see it from his side.

... and I now see he hasn't put effort in for years so why would he now!

You need to see it from your side, and respect your own point of view. Currently, you see it from your side, and wait for him to respect your view, so you're giving responsibility to him to make you happy. But you're not happy, and it's up to you to sort that out. Either accept him as he is, or leave. He wasn't put here to be 'made to measure' for you, and, (aside from breaking the law) he's allowed to be exactly who he is. He doesn't have any responsibility for your happiness. In the nicest possible way, this is your problem to fix. The way to sort out 'I'm not happy with my partner, I've told him, nothing changed' isn't 'Try harder to change him'. It's 'Decide on, communicate, and act on your boundaries'.

You're getting caught up in the little details like Xmas and son coming to stay-- this shouldn't dictate if you stay married and living together or not. Sons will all cope. They could even stay in one of your new houses if you wanted that. You can tell them you're thinking of selling the house.