How do you learn to trust again after an abusive relationship? Trigger warning

[Lovemusic82]

I have been single for 8 years following an abusive relationship. I have dated people but when it gets serious my anxiety is just so bad that I run.

I was so naive and stupid, was love bombed by a narcissist, he told me everything I wanted to hear, treated me like a princess at the start, moved himself in with me and my dc. After a while he started making out I was going crazy and imagine things that were not happening. He also lied about who he was and his past. He went on to rape me several times and I stupidly forgave him. It wasn’t until he was verbally abusive towards one of my dc that I kicked him out. I then found out he had been cheating. He continued to harass me, he was arrested for harassment and was not allowed near me for a year. I recently found out he went on to abuse a child, I’m unsure if he’s locked away.

Anyway I no longer trust myself to make the right choices when it comes to relationships, I struggle to trust that anyone is as honest as they say they are. I want to be in a relationship but the anxiety I get when it gets serious is so bad they I then decide to stay single. I look for red flags constantly, I blow things out of proportion, I feel like I need to know where they are all the time and who they are with (totally irrational I know). I am seeing someone at the moment, I have known him for a few years so he knows about my past, he’s given me no real reason not to trust him but in my head I’m questioning everything he does. He tells me he loves me but a part of me just tells me he’s making it up. I have pushed him away so many times but he comes back, he gives me space when I need it and we have been taking things pretty slow. Part of me wants to move things along and see each other more but the logistics are tricky at the moment for him, so my brain is now telling me he’s not that into me and again I want to run away.

I know people will probably say that I’m not ready for a relationship but it’s been a long time and I don’t see me feeling any different in a year or ten years. I know I need to accept that not everyone is a narcissist or an abuser but it’s my own judgement I don’t trust. If I got it wrong once I could get it wrong again? If I let my walls down I’m setting myself up for the same happening again?

Sorry for the rambling post. I just wondered if there’s anyone else in the same situation or any good stories from those who did manage to meet someone else and it worked out great? Any tips on learning to trust people again?

Have you done the freedom programme?

Also, there is always the risk that it could happen again / you could get hurt if you let someone in; everyone runs that risk when getting into a relationship with someone.
You seem to be aware of some of the flags that your ex had though by reading this post - which is good.

You've said the logistics are stopping you seeing each other more - and then follow that with your brain telling you he's not into you - now you know that isn't true; you've just said it's the logistics atm - reassure yourself that the logistics is the problem not anything else atm

Time is your best tool here. Take everything incredibly slowly.

The easiest way to go wrong is moving too quickly.

Have you had therapy? If not, that could be why progress has stagnated over the last 8 years.
Regarding your BF, what are the logistics of why it can't progress? Are there any red flags there? It might actually be helpful in a way that you are forced to take things slower by the logistics. If you dive in, you may well end up in the same cycle of pulling away.

You don't have to be in a relationship. Are your kids still living at home? I'd wait until they're off doing their own thing then take any dating situation entirely at your own pace.

I was trapped in an abusive marriage. Escaped nearly three years ago now, but recently started seeing someone who is wonderful and I’m also finding it hard to trust it, but I know that’s my issue and I haven’t acted on it at all.

I guess I took a long time to heal and really take a long hard look at what allowed me to be vulnerable to my ex in the first place. Rather than focussing on him I just focussed on myself, loving myself, learning what my boundaries are, and trusting my gut at all times.

I was then able to notice as soon as something felt amiss and I had more love and respect and trust in myself to walk away from something the minute it didn’t feel right.

it’s early days but I’m hopeful it’s worked as new guy is lovely. I still just find it a bit crazy sometimes as it’s all a bit too perfect. Safe. Consistent. Everything I wanted.

be brutally honest with yourself as to how you may have been vulnerable. Low self esteem? Childhood abuse? You’re in control of fixing that, you’re not in control of other people. Take some time being single to nurture the relationship with yourself and the right person will turn up. Abuser can usually detect when you have good self worth and boundaries. It doesn’t make you immune, but it helps.

I found that the magic key came with the realisation that I didn’t need to learn to trust another man again, I needed to learn to trust me. I’d actually lost my trust in me and my own intuition. How could I have been so stupid? How could I have not seen? etc… But the truth was that I did see the red flags most of the time, but I’d talk myself out of them and tell myself I was being paranoid/silly/needy/insecure or whatever.

I’m married now to a very patient man who is really understanding when I get an attack of the collywobbles and we talk it through. I’m really lucky, and I know I couldn’t have stayed with a man who was defensive and took it personally (as many men would).

Therapy helped me massively and I can’t recommend it enough. I had dynamic psychotherapy and EMDR. I’d say I’m 90% recovered but I know that I don’t want to go back to being the blindly trusting person that I was. That’s what got me into the mess. A bit of cynicism isn’t always a bad thing, and the triggers we experience when our boundaries are crossed are what keep us safe, so don’t fear them. Sending lots of love x

Thank you. I have heard a lot about the freedom programme so maybe it’s something I should do.

At the moment he doesn’t have transport to come and see me, which is why there’s a logistics issue, he is trying to sort it out but I keep thinking if he was that into me he would have sorted it. He does tell me that he wants to be with me more, wants to stay over and do more with me but that could just be words, in my mind those words mean nothing until he’s sorted out the issue, so things are kind of stuck at the moment, I see him once a week, sometimes every 2 weeks. We have known each other for 3 or 4 years and when I am with him I feel totally safe (something I don’t feel with anyone else). Other than the issues with him not being able to drive there are no real red flags. He has been so patient with me despite me pushing him away and being totally grumpy with him at times.

One is still at home and one at uni, youngest is disabled/SEN and is almost 18 but maybe living at home for a long time. He has met them before but not since we have been officially together. He’s very understanding about dd and wants to get to know her, it’s me that’s stopping it from happening as my dd isn’t used to having another person around, it’s been me and the DD’s for 8+ years, their dad left 10 years ago.

You can date and not live together. Maybe that will take the pressure off? Many couples do this.

At the moment that’s what I want and he knows that too. It would be impossible for him to live with me whilst dd is here anyway, though I would like for him to be able to stay over, at the moment that isn’t really possible. I’m unsure I could ever live with someone again, I would like too but in the past when I have dated people and they have stayed for a night or two I have hated it and been pleased to get rid of them 😬.

If you’ve been dating, and as you say bailing when it gets serious, then you haven’t been single for 8 years. Being single for 8 years implies you haven’t had Romantic or sexual contact with anyone for 8 years. I know how you feel though with trust. I was single 6 years and had no romantic or sexual contact with anyone in that time, neither did I make any emotional bonds or one to one friendships with men, I was done. I then fell hard for someone who seemed to be someone I could trust and have everything with, but I didn’t see the red flags purely because he’d been a consistent individual that I believed I had observed at length over many years in group settings and was kind and caring, a gentleman etc. turns out he was highly abusive sexually and emotionally. What I learnt from it is that unless I’m all in, I don’t want anything with anyone, and I don’t regret going all in with him and being vulnerable. I had healed being alone for so long and I went in with full trust. He was the one who broke that, not my past experiences. I don’t regret it because it takes real time to get to know someone intimately, and I truly did love him, and have learnt valuable lessons. I’m not a psychic, nobody is abusive at the beginning, and even being friends for years you don’t see someone close up like that. I know not all men are abusive, and I’m happy to be alone. Should someone come along that I feel everthing for- I’ll give them my all, and learn them as a person, and not let others who have hurt me affect how I treat them as an individual. I suggest you heal and don’t get into anything whatsoever unless you are all in. Bear in mind the red flags, but don’t treat anyone badly just because you have been treated badly, if you aren’t fully healed then don’t project that pain into someone else who has yet to show you who they are. If you love this man give him a chance, and if he does turn out to be abusive that’s very bad luck, but it could be the most beautiful relationship of your life. Don’t let evil past men steal your future and your joy. It would really help you to do the freedom programme or get some counselling

Thank you. I have been single in the way I haven’t really had an emotional connection with anyone, mainly had FWB but haven’t felt the need to take things further, mainly due to seeing red flags or just not feeling like I could trust them. This guy is different and it’s the first time I’ve really shown and affection other than sex towards someone for a long time, we have an amazing connection but that scares me a little as I don’t trust my own judgement. I haven’t treated him badly, he understands that I have had a rough time and he gives me space when I need it, we are pretty open with each other. Most of the battles are in my head, the anxiety, the not knowing if it’s real or if it’s going to last, I try not to let him see this but we do talk and he knows some of my fears.
I kind of feel like we are stuck in limbo at the moment due to him not being able to drive, we both live rurally so it’s hard for him to come to me without a car. We have been seeing each other officially for 8 months but have known each other for 3 or 4 years (he was a FWB a few years ago and wanted more but I didn’t). I would like to move things along because at the moment it’s more like we are FWB due to not seeing each other more than once a week, I don’t feel I know him as well as I should because we don’t spend much time together.