Am I a bad person in this relationship?

[louisejg]

Me and partner (both female ) have been together nearly 3 years.
We live together
She has a temper at times and blows everything out of proportion
Last night the wardrobe collapsed
She walked away leaving clothes all over the floor -so I said "are you really just gonna leave me to sort that out ?"
"You might have not screwed it in properly when you built it"
That caused her to go off it
Ripped her clothes off the floor and put them in a bin bag
Punched the chest of draws
I asked why she's put her clothes in a bag and her reply "easier to leave with "
She brings up leaving every time we argue
Thing is she turns little things and says they are "arguments"
I do everything in this house
I tidy up,I cook ,I do the shopping ,when she spends her money I give her money for her lunches at work.
I've asked her to throw the recycling out
She goes "that's another thing why can't you do it "
I said that I do most things and just asked for help .
Today she left for work and said when she gets home she hopes I've put recycling out
How she hopes I learn not to go on the way I do

I'm honestly so sad today and upset
I don't think I deserve to be made to feel so insecure and worry she is leaving every time we have a disagreement
She's stressed with work and takes it out on me
Then in the next breath she says she wants us to start the process of having a baby this year

I just feel so so sad today

Sorry for the lack of punctuation
And long rant

She doesn't sound like a very nice person. What are her redeeming features?

She sounds borderline abusive, punching things etc, if that was a man no one would be recommending you stay with her
Life is too short to be with someone who makes you feel this always, it should be a partnership with you both doing equal around the house.
Threatening to leave when things get a bit tough is a huge red flag, why should you tiptoe around her.

This really isn't how loving relationships work.

Do you really want this for another 20,30,40+ years?

I honestly don't understand how last night went the way it did.
Then she brought things up
Little things
Asking her to put the recycling out
Because I asked her to check if the back gate was closed (after I had got home fed the dogs,made tea,washed up ,etc )

This doe’s not sound like a happy healthy relationship OP

It's happy a lot of the time
Then she does this
I don't understand why
Why she gets so annoyed at me

She sounds more like a teenage daughter than a partner and even then, I wouldn't accept that behaviour from a teenage daughter. I think you need a re-think, is this how you want to live for the rest of your life, you must be stepping on egg shells constantly and that's no way to live, as the saying goes, life is too short, maybe it's time she put her clothes in the bin bag and do you a favour by walking out of the door for good.

She's totally unreasonable and I would say is bullying you/being abusive. She's being blatantly unfair but acting as though she thinks she's reasonable, making you question your sanity. Get out now and absolutely do not have a child with this woman, imagine how your DC would feel when treated this way, as she would do the same to them.

This child likes to look down on you and abuse you. Put her out with the recycling and have a happier life.

You shouldn't be together.
If it feels like hard work and you have to ask for support then that should be enough to make you see that nothing will change.

Don't have a baby with her as all of the above x 100 will be your life

Get out while you can

No you aren't the bad person.

TBH, my first thought about your comment when the wardobe collapsed was 'that wasn't helpful'. Why did you feel the need in that moment to decide who was to blame, rather than 'OUR wardrobe has collapsed, we need to mend it together'??

But aside from that, she sounds abusive and lazy. Certainly not loving. I imagine she is happy and everything is fine while she's getting her own way / she isn't challenged in any way by you.

As soon as you remind her she isn't perfect / she doesn't pull her weight / as soon as you expect anything of her, she switches to being nasty.

I wouldn't stay with someone like her.

I probably shouldn't have kicked off about the wardrobe but she will drag this out days now
I'm feeling really insecure today and vulnerable
I don't feel secure at all
Like she can leave at any minute

'Easier to leave with'? Next time I suggest you make it even easier and help her carry her clothes to the car.
She sounds awful.

I’d be handing her more bin bags and saying “See ya!”

You are the Mum and her the stroppy teenager rather than an equal partnership. She is also an adult who should know how to budget and what days the bins go out. She is verbally abusing you because you are expecting her to behave as an adult and she wants you to do everything. I think she is lazy and self entitled.

If you do have a baby, you will have 2 children to look after.

It doesn't sound like you have a healthy relationship.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none so your relationship is over. It was actually over the first time she abused you. Abuse is about power and control and she wants absolute over you here, it is not a relationship issue.

You are in an abusive relationship with this woman. What if anything do you know about her family background?. Chances are she saw one parent abuse another in childhood and she has certainly learnt a lot of damaging lessons about relationships. She targeted you also and deliberately too.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?. What is the situation re the finances and property?.

It was her intention to make you feel insecure and vulnerable. She is probably all sweetness and light to those in the outside world, it is for you this abusive treatment is directed at. She would be the same regardless of whom she was in a relationship with, it’s that deeply ingrained and no she will not change. She also does not want your help or support.

Save yourself and start firming up a plan of exiting this relationship.

If you think it's bad now it will be multiples when you have a child. This person sounds very immature at best. Imagine having a baby and effectively a difficult teenager at the same time. Just leave.

"Then in the next breath she says she wants us to start the process of having a baby this year"

Sorry to be blunt but do not have a baby with this woman. If she's this awful now, can you imagine what she will be like with the stress of a new baby??? She won't stick around. Or if she does, it will be hell.

She can. But so can you.

Leave that nasty piece of work and don't even think about bring a baby with a woman like her.

Don’t bring a child into this. It’s not a healthy dynamic to bring a child up in. Every constantly walking on eggshells in case they trigger another outburst from someone who is supposed to be a parent.
If she doesn’t pull her weight now then she certainly won’t start if a baby comes. People don’t magically become better people when they become parents.

You are on the right track asking on here about the relationship. You did this because deep down you know you deserve better than this. The next step is accepting that you deserve to be an equal in a relationship.