How would you describe the following.

[Temptemptemp]

Pay in to a joint account but , whilst having a card for the account the app is on H's phone and am questioned when its used at all, eg for a tube of mints.
No money in purse except the occasional £1 coin.
Have to argue for every purchase, so much so that half the time I just dont bother.
I work and earn a reasonable amount but have no free acess to money.
Mortgage free, no debt, €0,000s in the bank.
Small but crucial repain on vehicle ( safety related ) not done until a massive argument because H wasnt going to be affected so honestly didnt see why money should be spent on it.
No money for my needs ( hair, clothes, shoes ect) but money for his cigs.
This isnt right is it ?

Funancial abuse
Open your own account and pay your income into there.

Im getting my ducks lined up. Unfortunately Im the living example of the boiled frog scenario. And Im in my 50's. Im probably financially screwed for life now.

Are you saying your salary is paid into this joint account? But you can't then access it?

Nothing stopping you putting this app on your phone as well, why not do it, without telling him?

You seem to be married? So why would you be screwed? If you divorce starting point is 50/50 division of assets. Get a solicitor now!
Good luck OP. Meanwhile go and draw out some money and start another account. You are being financially abused.

What would happen if you opened your own account and got paid into that? You are legally absolutely entitled to do this. Tell him if he wants money for bills he just has to ask you.

To answer your question, no it's not right

I’m sorry you’re going through this op. It’s weird isn’t it, how you can’t see it until you can see it.
I defended my abusive ex to the hilt, until I suddenly saw it. It was so clear to me then I couldn’t understand how I’d been so blind!
Well done for getting it sorted though. You will be ok and have a wonderful free, peaceful life!

I think you should see a solicitor and leave the abusive idiot to himself.
I also think you should open your own account and have your wages paid in to that and then just give him whatever you need to for the bills etc.
He's financially abusing you. Does he control other areas of your life?

Op, you are being financially screwed by your husband but you can change this. Your husband is being financially controlling but you can definitely change this. You must see a solicitor and you must get out! Good luck. Start the change today.

Yes, and today walk into a bank and open your own account for starters and make sure your salary/wage is paid into it.

@ADropOfKindness @Errolwasahero @PineConeOrDogPoo @heldinadream I have asked for full acess to all finances. This is not the first argument about this but it will be the last. He is tight with money , always has been , but its got massively worse in the last 18 months. Thing is, apart from cigs he spends nothing on himself . This only blew up because my work shoes are falling apart. I said I was going to buy some and got the , Well, do you have to this month? , wait until X has been paid/ Y has come in. - There is always a " reason" . He just doesn't want me to spend any money. Now HE is all hurt because Im making a big thing out of a pair of shoes. This is his usual behaviour, he thinks getting me dome, probaly cheap, shoes will shut me up. He refuses to admit that any of this behaviour is unfair.

I have told him that we permanently sort this or I walk.
He admitted yesterday that he is mean with money. He can be as miserly as he wants , but I work hard and deserve to have my needs met, and frankly anything I want within reason.

So are you going to open an account today and have your money paid in to it?
And look into divorcing him?

It's not just unfair, it's abuse.

No, Im living abroad and we have been married for 35 years. Not straight forward to divorce here, or open a bank accout . I am however looking into returning to my home country .

And much as I appreciate that it looks so straightforward to anyone reading this Im actually in shock that I have sleepwalked into this situation and I an trying to process it all and what my life may now have to look like at this age.

OP you say you have a card.

if it is a high street bank, then you can go into the bank and get a printed out statement and balance for the account - or go to a bank machine and get the balance and a mini statement - he will not be notified of this.

secondly, set up your own account, you can then decide whether you pay all your salary into that and transfer any money from the joint account.

you may find he is moving money from your joint account to one in his own name, so be prepared.

you are being financially controlled and abused and there are laws around this these days to protect people like yourself.

I’ve just read that you’re abroad after posting - hope you find a way through this

@Temptemptemp what's your home country and where are you living currently? Don't answer if you don't want to, I'm not prying I'm wondering if we can help you navigate this. Obviously you are in a difficult and vulnerable position.

@heldinadream Im not going to add specifics as one of my DIL's is on here andthe last thing I want is for my sons to think that they have to take me in ect. But both are European countries.

Ive told him that we will have a Shit or Bust conversation today.

@Temptemptemp oh good! You seem to have found your courage/anger/boundaries? When are you having the conversation, does he go to work? And you too?

He is retired and has a pension.

Good luck op you definitely need your own money even. if it's just to put aside for a rainy day and you want to buy yourself something nice. unfortunately he's definitely financially abusive. if he won't compromise I would definitely look into leaving him

Get yourself to a solicitor, it’s a shame that apart from sympathy and telling you it’s very wrong no one can offer advice on the practicalities because we don’t know where you are so no idea of the law. Good luck, stay with that anger.