So disappointed

[AppleJuice457]

This is a bit of a moan (sorry) as I don't have many friends and I don't like speaking to my family about things like this.

I started dating someone around 4 months ago. We hit it off straight away and things moved quite quickly. We were seeing each other every week up until last week. Meals out, trips away etc. I even met some of his friends and family. I thought it was going really well until Thursday when things came to a screeching halt.

He was previously in a relationship for 11 years, then single for over a year before we met. They have a 4 year old son together and he has him alternate weekends and then week days/nights when he doesn’t have him on the weekend (hope that makes sense). All seemed pretty amicable and like they had a good set up in place. That was until last week when apparently his ex found out he was dating someone and kicked off. She's now said he has to have him every weekend otherwise she will take him to court for full custody.

He’s agreed to the arrangement for the time being until things settle and she agrees to an alternative arrangement (I’m not sure if that will happen though). I completely understand his decision btw and I think he’s doing the right thing by putting his son first, but obviously it’s made things harder for us to spend time together as we both work full time and only have weekends off.

I don’t want to cut things off completely (seems like such a shame when we’ve both been so happy the last few months) so I asked him today if he wanted to work around it, meet up after work until things get sorted and he said no. He said he has too much going on right now, his head is battered and he doesn’t know how long this will go on for. That’s how things have been left. I’ve left him to it as I respect his decision, but I am disappointed. It was only the other day he said he was falling for me and hadn’t been this happy in a long time. I just don’t understand why someone would risk losing a person they like/care about and not try to work something out.

I know none of you have a crystal ball and what will be will be, but I can’t help feeling so disappointed and deflated 😔

Well either he’s using this thing with his ex as a convenient excuse for ending things, or he’s genuinely preoccupied with her and his son because she’s being a nutcase. You’ll know in your gut which it is.

remove yourself entirely and focus on yourself as if it’s over. If it was genuine between you, he’ll be back, but you absolutely can’t push anything for now. He needs to grow a pair and stop allowing his ex to use their child as a weapon because she’s jealous.

you’d be better off without that drama for now anyway.

I would take a step back and gain some perspective for a few weeks op. Dating someone with a child is not for the faint of heart anyway and if she's already being this difficult this early it will only get worse. I would predict this as the first of many issues.

@Muffin777 a part of me is wondering if he's telling the truth or just using his child as an excuse to end things...

It doesn't really make sense to say "You need to have him more or you'll never have him."

His ex sounds like a horrible manipulative nutcase and he's allowing her to be one! No court in the land would grant her full custody when he's a loving and involved father lol.

I'd definitely back off now and leave him to it. Were you official or still in the dating phase? If not official, then I'd tell him that you don't think it's a good idea to date anymore and you will be dating other people instead, as trust me OP you don't want to be part of this situation with a psycho ex!

She's doing it so that he doesn't have his weekends free to date the OP

I don't believe him

I would be hurt and disappointed like you but I have some sympathy for him because he may have thought everything was going well and been feeling happy for the first time in a while and now he’s had the rug pulled out from him. If he’s scared about what the ex might do I can understand him wanting to play it safe and focus only on his son for a bit. Doesn’t stop it being very hurtful for you though. If you have no other reason to question his behaviour then I would give him a bit of time and if he does come back to you, fair enough you can take it from there. But for now you have to assume he means what he says and not sit around waiting for him. Sorry, it’s a tough position for you OP and FWIW I think you’ve handled it really well so far - said your piece and then left him to it. That’s exactly what you should do

I often find that men can be black & white about things. Can’t find middle ground, or do two things at the same time. Whereas women can juggle many things & find compromise. Sounds like it’s the case with this guy. I wouldn’t at the ex is crazy at all, she has history with this guy… There has to be good reason to break up when you’re got a toddler. You’ve only seen the good side of him, remember…

No, it's an excuse, otherwise he would have been happy to work around the situation like you suggested.
He's probably met someone else.
So many men out there with "crazy ex's" when the reality is usually the ex can't wait to get rid of the useless lump.

His ex most likely knows you both work and is deliberately making it impossible for him to engage in a relationship.
But what you are finding out is that he is not mentally ready for a relationship anyway. If he was, he'd stand up to her and he'd know that her threat to take him to court for full custody is an empty one. No court is going award it on grounds that either parent has a GF/BF, that would be ridiculous.
If he's still in 'not wanting to upset ex' mode, he still cares too much about what she thinks. Some people need a long time till the dust settles and he is not there yet.

Also… Meals out, trips away? Maybe he has financial commitments to his ex & child. That might be her issue as well.

Taking on a step child and with that, an ex you can’t get rid of is huge. (I speak from experience)

you have to be willing to go through extremely tough times, and deal with this shit basically forever.

unless this person really is one in a million you need to walk away. It isn’t a job for the faint hearted and is only worth it when the relationship is solid and healthy in every other area.

If he was that into you, he would'nt be ending things.

Find someone else. 👍

Lots of posts on the Step parenting wall where the ex goes on the warpath when the GF moves in, if what he says is true then his ex can't even tolerate him dating. End it Op, either he's lost interest or his ex will be a problem all the time you're with him

First of all I would say the whole arrangement between him and his ex having the child needs sorting out. She can’t just decide she’s going to control his weekends because he’s dating someone new and use the child as a blackmailing tool. I would tell him to let her take it to court! No judge in this world is going to tolerate threats like the one she has made. All judges start at 50/50 and contact is arranged as fairly as possible! She isn’t going to get full custody just because he’s dating someone new and she thinks it’s ok to use the child as a way to stop him doing so! She sounds manipulative!

If you have any sense and self-worth whatsoever, you'll be running a mile.