Husband has PTSD

[gallgirl]

My husband served in Afghanistan and Iraq he now suffers from PTSD. This might sound cruel but it's turned him in to someone l don't like anymore. He is on antidepressants but they are not working well. He is critical of everything l do, he is always telling me off for silly things like a naughty girl, he drinks and takes drugs. He shouts at me if l try to confront him about his behaviour. He has thrown things before and slamming doors.. But sometimes he is so lovely. My question is, is this the PTSD or is it his character and he is just treating me badly? I feel so sad l can't leave him l have nowhere to go and l love my cosy home

Hi, this is his ptsd. My husband has it from serving in the Falklands war and first Gulf War. He served for 23 years and has been out now for over 20 years and still has melt downs despite extensive counselling. I fully sympathise with my husband for regarding his mental health, however I do not let him get away with any abusive behaviour. I have become hardened to it and at times have to step away from him mentally to protect my own sanity. Drinking is a major method of self medicating, though he has never done drugs and refuses to use antidepressants. I wouldn't change him for the world as he loves me dearly, but it is hard and we are very open about it as he says we both suffer from it as I have to live it as well. Sit down and talk, put in some boundaries and get him some counselling. Also huge amounts of exercise will help and being outside in nature. We have a smallholding which has helped no end.

The most upsetting part is that you feel like you have nowhere to go. Are you working? Do you share children together? What’s making you believe you are trapped?

PTSD must be an awful thing to have, but that doesn’t mean that you have to live the rest of your life with someone who is verbally abusive and makes your life hard and unhappy, because they have a disorder. Your DH deserves your love and support, but if they’re not accepting this type of help, you don’t have to stay. It would take time, but you could build a cosier home, without being afraid of the behaviour and actions of someone else living in it.

Has he had any therapy?

He refuses therapy. I can't afford the rent in my area and l need to be near my mum who is not well. I feel trapped because l can't afford to move out. I would like him to move out as he earns more money we have a joint life long tenancy. I have a 25 year old son who lives at home but doesn't work he is scared of him and stays in his bedroom if my husband is in the house.

Is living with your mum an option? Regarding the 25 year old son, it’s not good that he’s not working. Surely if he’s scared of your husband, he’d be better off out of the house at work? He won’t get financial freedom otherwise.

Could you book a GP appointment to get some counselling for yourself and your son? This won’t help your husband, but might help you personally to cope better. You could also try Citizens’ Advice for help with understanding your housing rights. Are you working?

I cant live with my mum as she has alcoholism and my son doesn't work as he suffers from depression but refuses to go to the doctors it's all such a worry. The only way l cope is by having a lovely home and making sure I am always well presented without a hair out of place. Everything is such a worry at the moment.

I work in a school but my pay isn't great x

is this the PTSD or is it his character

Sorry to say that it doesn't matter. Either way you can't carry on like this. Which means working on separating. When you say you have a joint life tenancy, is that a council/HA one? I'd ask what their policy is regarding abusive relationships. Which is what this is.

Is he having any treatment? EMDR is supposed to have great success treating PTSD, I spoke to an ex service chap who had it, he swore EMDR cured him

He refuses any sort of therapy, he prefers to self medicate. We are living in a private housing association property they are aware of the situation l am on a waiting list but they said it could be a very long wait as there are people who are more in need.

Report to them every time he shouts and throws things and slams doors. Typically domestic violence is high on the lists for housing, because it can be fatal for women. They need to know the frequency. Be someone's problem.

My DH suffered from PTSD after having a bone marrow transplant. He had several different rounds of chemo and radiotherapy where his cancer kept coming back. He had neutropenic sepsis so many times I lost count the amount of times I rang 999, all this going on before and during lockdown so I was unable to be with him. Eventually he had his transplant (on his own because of covid). It’s a really horrible process but it worked and he’s now two years into remission.

All this left him with PTSD, angry, agumentitive, flashbacks, terrible nightmares, he would wake up screaming and he smashed up his bedside table lamp in his sleep. . His consultant diagnosed PTSD and he was prescribed cognitive behaviour therapy. He had two half hour sessions. They worked. All his symptoms have stopped. He’s definatly not the man I married, he can get upset over silly things that wouldn’t have normally bother him, but he’s better in mind and body, and more crucially he’s still here.

It may be a combination of both.. or just one. You'll never know.

I suggest that you leave. This is no way to live..
Ptsd is a lifelong battle. This is more than likely the version of him that will always remain. He is in a lot of pain and unspeakable traumas from what he's seen and experienced..he is using and doing things to cope with life.

He will never be able to "functionally " and "properly" fit in with civilian life, nor be able to have healthy relationships.

You are in an abusive relationship, and he is just a ticking time bomb. Everything other than what he experienced or similar will always seem trivial to him. Please don't remain in unhappiness and misery.

Unfortunately, the damage done to him is far too deep and extensive. He is on a downward destructive spiral.

Get out .

Burntouted - thank you very much x can l ask if you know someone with ptsd? as your advice is very precise.

Burntouted you cannot say that he will never function and properly fit in to civilian life it's attitudes like this that cause friction in a community where its always blamed on the
"mad ex soldier". My husband, despite severe ptsd and on top of that losing his daughter in a car crash 9 years ago does fit in the civilian world and functions within it perfectly acceptablely, but perhaps not like anyone else. We have a heathy relationship and love each other to bits. It is all about recognising you have a problem and learning how to manage it. You cannot tar every soldier with ptsd in this way. You of course may have had a traumatic time with a partner who has ptsd, but everyone is an individual and their situations are different. I wouldn't leave my husband if his leg was blown off in combat so why should I leave due to his ptsd. Management is the key, and different strategies work for different people.

I wouldn't leave my husband if his leg was blown off in combat so why should I leave due to his ptsd.

Maybe not in your DH's case. But I've worked in prisons and with ex-offenders and the number of violent offenders with PTSD who go on to violently attack and even kill people, especially partners, is not something to dismiss. Women aren't rehab for men.

It's not the same as a missing limb.

I'm going against the grain, I have C-Ptsd from my time in the military. Like any MH or ND condition, I am responsible for my actions and behaviours, not my husband or kids etc.

Whilst I don't doubt his inner torture, the medication clearly isn't doing its job. I have had years of therapy, the usual cbt etc before doing EMDR which was amazing and reduced so many of my symptoms.

I now take a multitude of meds to function in the day and sleep, reduce trauma sweats in the night.

If he won't engage with getting himself support, don't stick around. In alot of cases I've known about, sometimes you need to hit rock bottom before you see the light.

If he wants to life of torment he can but you don't have too!!!!

I think it's worrying that your 25 year old son is afraid of him. Please take care of yourself.

Sorry for your struggles. I just wanted to say I really love your NN.

I have worked in a prison and witnessed something when I first started. I can honestly say the woman who walked into that building never came back out that day. She's gone and in her place is me and I am a different person. It changes you. Its hard
I can't afford emdr which may well help (I have heard great things) just a few months ago I was out socially a violent situation kicked off in a pub and I absolutely lost it. I came home and smashed hf my house up. Took a hammer to mirrors glass's the back door the glass dining table and my watch. Anything glass I could see myself in for some reason. I have tried various ways to medicate myself. The self medication with various sources enabled me to talk about wat I saw and heard that night and not feel the pain guilt and sadness. It numbed it all. Until it wears off and then it's back again.. its such a dark and lonely place to be in. Not just for the sufferer but their loved ones . Just thought I would give a perspective from someone who's suffered and I am sure what he's seen is far far worse than me xx