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Negative sexual experiences

2 replies

Krazyk30 · 22/01/2024 18:50

I'm not sure why I'm writing this but I'm currently in therapy and this is something I haven't yet fully discussed with therapist so i guess I'm just trying it out here first. So when I was in year 11 at school (15) I met an older guy (23) and we began dating. In the summer holidays of that year once school had broke up, I was frequently out drinking in pubs with him and his friends and he quickly got me taking cocaine quite regularly. I obviously had no money as I had no job, and so he would pay for everything including the drugs. He would then take me outside of the pub so down a nearby country lane for example after iv already had a few lines of cocaine, and tell me that if I gave him oral sex or do something sexual he would give me some more drugs. I'm so ashamed to say but I would do it as I wanted more and thought well I was in a relationship with him anyway, but he would say things to me while I was doing it like tell me I was a good girl, and 'see good girls that do as there told get rewards' etc. It led to him getting me to have a threesome with another man and eventually i ended up pregnant at 16 and had an abortion. I dno just thinking about it all makes me feel quite ashamed and my life massively spiralled downwards after this, I guess I'm asking if anyone else has been through anything similar?

OP posts:
LoveSandbanks · 22/01/2024 18:55

You have absolutely no reason to be ashamed. He groomed you when you were a child, gave you drugs and then abused you. He was a grade A arsehole and you did nothing wrong. 15/16 year old girls make mistakes and your mistake was trusting him that's all.
I have been abused in a similar way but I was older. (21) and it didn't even involve drugs.
Genuinely I don't give it much thought except to acknowledge that I was taken advantage of I certainly don't carry any guilt around about it.

Please, please, learn to forgive yourself

Krazyk30 · 22/01/2024 19:41

Was it in a sexual way aswell? I feel so ashamed I think because I just did it rather than say no. Its definitely affected my sex life growing up and even now, I almost recreate what happened in my mind during sex then feel disgusted about it immediately afterwards, I just don't know why I do that or how to stop

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