How to be a better parents if you didn’t have a great childhood

[LifeLemonsLemonade7]

So it’s only after becoming a mother myself that I reflected on my childhood and realised that a lot of it was f’d up. I was brought up with almost no emotional input from my parents or siblings. I did exactly as I was told, as that was what was culturally expected of me and my mother was very anxious about bad behaviour so I was very fearful of “being bad”. Both parents worked long hours to make ends meet, had their own stresses which I can understand shaped their interactions with me. But due to these things I was brought up very sheltered, discouraged to have friends or a social life or anything that would distract from school/academics.

(I will add there was no physical abuse, just the fear of disappointing my parents by doing the wrong thing.)

Not only did this wipe out any feelings of self worth or self confidence but it has shaped me entirely. I have been very affectionate with my own children but honestly, it is so difficult for me to understand them emotionally, to empathise with them, to support them. Now I have a DC entering the teens, and they are all over the place, as am I.

I don’t know how to support them, how do I learn? Books, courses, what can help?

Definitely books. I had a very similar upbringing except there was abuse between siblings and it caused no end of damage. I read so much on parenting and it has all helped.

Prioritise yourself, and developing your own strength and mental balance. You’re no longer that submissive child, and you need to grow up and develop yourself, in order to parent your children well. Parenting courses and books might help, but you can’t be a pillar of sanity for a child dealing with puberty and being ‘all over the place’ if you aren’t steady.

You didn’t get that, as you should have, in your childhood, so you need to arrive at it as an adult. I’d suggest therapy, with the goal of dealing with your own lingering childhood issues so you can be the parent your children deserve (and that you deserved).

(I was also that frightened, well-behaved child. My sympathies — I feel very sorry for my own childhood self, who was so aware of her parents’ stresses.)

Hi OP, a couple of books I think are useful are The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read by Philippa Perry and Untangled by Lisa Damour (if your teen DC is a girl).

I would also consider therapy for yourself to unpick some of these feelings.

My childhood was similar in some ways to yours. I definitely have had issues around my parenting because of it. In my case what I have always tried to do is to aim to be the parent the child me needed. Things like physical affection, spending non-task related time with my children, being genuinely interested in them and their experiences. I guess the caveat for me has been not overdoing it - for example I've sometimes been quite inconsistent with setting boundaries or working out how to deal with difficult behaviour. But now my children are 13 and 16, they seem to be turning out OK! And I can confidently say that the household they are growing up in is nothing like the one I grew up in.

All the best to you OP.

I came on to recommend the book by philliapa perry, recommended above.

May also be reading up on attachment theories.

Diary of a ceo has some useful podcasts on relationships etc so worthe filtering out the business ones as he covers areas sway from that.

Take a lot of heart from the fact you are aware this and looking to break the pattern.

Good luck.

Therapy worked for me

Another vote for therapy

I did a Therapeutic Parenting with PACE course when mine were tween and teenage and it transformed our family. I recommend it to everyone even though it’s primarily aimed at foster/adoptive parents.

Thanks for all the replies and for sharing your own experiences.

I read about the Phillip Perry book but was worried I would end up focusing on my blaming my childhood and parents for my current issues but it seems like a good place to start.

I have the Untangled book 👍

For those who have recommended therapy, what do I say that I am looking for? Counselling to resolve issues from childhood? (Sorry if that is a dumb question but I feel so confused about how to sort myself out)

Yes @Urcheon your words hit me. I do need to be mentally strong and steady to be a good parent for my kids. It’s just so hard.

For those who have recommended therapy, what do I say that I am looking for? Counselling to resolve issues from childhood? (Sorry if that is a dumb question but I feel so confused about how to sort myself out)

You don't have to "ask for what you're looking for" beyond saying you're interested in doing a course of therapy to help you develop and / or to move forward as a person and parent after a difficult childhood. The therapist will get to the root of what you actually need. Don't try to pre-empt their work for them.

If you find a therapist you like the feel of they will do an initial consultation session where you will chat about the overall issues and they will explain their approach. Someone who uses some psychodynamic therapy (looking into childhood issues) is probably what would help you.

The way you responded to the Philippa Perry book shows that therapy is exactly the right step you need to support you. Therapy is the best thing you can do to understand yourself and be the healthiest you can be as a person and as a mum. Just think of it like going to the gym to be your fittest self, if that helps you to accept it.

Good luck!

I don’t think it’s a matter of ‘blaming’ your parents. They did the best they could, probably, and were presumably passing on their own scripts from childhood. I know mine did their best, but they’d never been parented themselves, and it’s not their fault their best was hopelessly inadequate. It was just helpful to unpick the beliefs I grew up with, along with someone calm and intelligent who is focused on helping to unravel them. It’s good to have someone say ‘That shouldn’t have happened. You shouldn’t have had to be so good.’

You could just say you want to explore the effects of the way you were parented to put yourself in the steadiest possible place to help your own children get through their teens. But I think it’s worth doing just for yourself too. We former ‘good girls’ often grow up fiercely self-critical.

I remembered all the things I'd missed out on, been excluded from, or felt miserable or humiliated about, and then did the polar opposite to my parents.

Right from the start, I listened to my ds, asked his opinion where appropriate, and considered what would make his life more interesting or enjoyable. I also tell him I love him every day.

It's worked a treat so far. 🙂 My ds is happy, healthy, thriving, on track for good grades. He's also kind, considerate and easy going. I'm proud of him.

It makes sense to simply do the complete opposite of your own parents. I’m glad you could break that pattern @Meadowfinch 😊

@ChaseandSky thanks for clarifying that, it makes more sense now.

@Urcheon most of the time I do think “they did the best with what they knew” but other times i think “how could they be so selfish?”