Is this abusive?

[leighanneJ]

Yesterday my husband, who had been drinking all afternoon, was in a bad mood, argumentative and called me a dickhead when i asked if he could do something for our child (make something to eat). Because he had already asked the child if he wanted anything, and the child said no at the time. Then later on decided they were hungry. It wasnt a problem, would have taken 10 minutes in the airfryer. But apparently im a dickhead for bowing down to my child and feeding him when he had already said no. This isnt the first time hes been like this and called me names, even in front of the children.

I don't know if it's abusive. But regularly being called names by my DH would be a red line for me and I don't think I could stay long term.

Yes it is abusive. All of it, in one small paragraph, is too much. You deserve much better than this OP.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

Does he often drink all afternoon as well?

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?. This is not going to get better for either you or your children.

I wouldn't personally label it as abuse. But it is certainly not acceptable behaviour if not said in jest. Is this behaviour always alcohol fuelled, or does it manifest at other times too? I think you need to sit him down and tell him how those comments make you feel. GL

Rather than framing it as abusive/non abusive, it may be helpful to think about whether this is something you are willing to accept and put up with, whether this is the model of family life that you want for your kids.

My ex was very emotionally abusive (in my opinion now, and of many others - but some might disagree) and I tied myself in knots over the question whether it was abuse. This distracted me from seeing that I was miserable and I needed to get out.

Yes, name-calling is abuse.

Yes its when hes been drinking. Hes fine when hes sober but he just becomes horrible, i cant talk to him in a normal way, he turns it into bad feeling and an argument.

he does daily drink. Yesterday i told him i want to split up. He said he didn’t and he is going to change. I asked what changes he would make to show me he had changed but he couldn’t answer. He thinks i over react to his drinking, he says its normal but i dont think so. I mean he does work daily, thats not a problem but once he gets home in the evening he will drink 4 beers, more on a weekend. On a weekend he starts drinking mid afternoon to bedtime. Its so lonely and frustrating being both parents to the kids, hes just a big lump who doesn’t give a hand to any of it. Once he’s settled in, as last night, if i ask him to do anything, he gets annoyed and pissed off, slamming doors, swearing etc

Sorry thats meant to say “he does work in the week each day full time”

re your comment:

"Yesterday i told him i want to split up. He said he didn’t and he is going to change. I asked what changes he would make to show me he had changed but he couldn’t answer. He thinks i over react to his drinking, he says its normal but i dont think so. I mean he does work daily, thats not a problem but once he gets home in the evening he will drink 4 beers, more on a weekend. On a weekend he starts drinking mid afternoon to bedtime. Its so lonely and frustrating being both parents to the kids, hes just a big lump who doesn’t give a hand to any of it. Once he’s settled in, as last night, if i ask him to do anything, he gets annoyed and pissed off, slamming doors, swearing etc"

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?.

Plan your exit from this marriage now and with due care and attention. Such a man does not change. These types promise change but never follow through with anything. He is not going to make the whole process of separating and divorce from him at all easy because he also sees that his cushy life with you is coming to an end. He will likely also remain just as obstructive post you divorcing him also. It is no point whatsoever in remaining with someone like him and the children can and do pick up on all the vibes too; this is no life for them either.

@AttilaTheMeerkat I agree, his life here is cushy. I ensure the house is maintained, food in the cupboards and bills paid (even when he cries poverty and doesn’t give me all of his half of the bills, yet always has money for beers), clothes washed/dried etc. he did say to me “i dont want to split up” and i said “yeah i bet you dont, i wouldn’t want to split up with me either, im a good catch but ive had enough”.