How do you know when to end it?

[Breakingpoint22]

I have to get this off my chest - I am feeling really lost

married 6 years, together for 16 since teenagers. Only relationship I’ve ever had. 2 kids, 2 and 4. Joint mortgage on home in a nice place, kids happily settled in school/nursery and both working. DH has a good job, earns well, I work 2 evenings a week in a supermarket and started when DC2 was 3 months old because I just had to have something for me after Covid/lockdown etc and suffering pretty terribly with PND after DC1 was born.

i feel like I’ve made “good” decisions in terms of how I expected life to go but feel lonely, hollow and sad much of the time. DH and I have had issues over the years mixed with a lot of happy good times too, just as I would have expected life to go.
If I’m totally honest I wasn’t sure I ever wanted to get married to him at all and got engaged when he proposed shortly after I found out about some online infidelity of his. Hoped we’d move past it as he has been very remorseful but the damage has been done, it went on for a long time, he hid it and I was heartbroken when I found out. We were young so I forgave him and tried to move on.

We don’t spend much time together as a family now because he is usually bad-tempered and irritable with the stress of kids and what I would expect from general busy life which I find horribly stressful and enjoy the kids so much more on my own. He seems absolutely miserable and it’s only got worse since we’ve taken on our mortgage now too.
when I ask him about it all, he will say he’s tired/stressed/unhappy/money worries etc but doesn’t react to any solutions to improving it.
We are in a sexless marriage, still share a bedroom etc but he hates it if I bring it up. I am not attracted to him at all any more and we feel very much like siblings or room mates. Like best friends but just nothing at all romantic.

we don’t spend much time together alone either and when we do, it’s a bit strained because we live quite separate lives now. He spends the time we are together alone usually sleeping, running or something separately to me.

we have very different parenting styles which puts a strain on things too. He is very closed to suggestions when I can see it isn’t working his way and usually gets very defensive which just makes things worse - I only mean this as suggestions as to what works when I try it, not that my way is superior to his as he usually makes out. He is a shouter/controller and I am a bit more gentle.

Since DC1 was born, we have felt the pressure in our relationship and have discussed splitting up in the past - he gets very upset at the impact on our kids and people’s opinion. He also says he loves me and wants to go back to how we used to be but doesn’t really make any effort to improve things. If he does it’s very short lived and things usually go back to the way they were before.
i try and keep him happy but removing the stressors but it doesn’t seem to have the desired effect - he just seems generally overwhelmed and miserable. He is on SSRIs and has had CBT and counselling.

he is a great provider and a very loving father. He gets very overwhelmed with messy house and housework so I tend to take care of it but he does do it too. It is a bit of he will do his bits and I’ll do the rest for me and the kids which is irritating. But I do love him and want the best for him, just as a very best friend now. As a DH, he has controlling tendencies and gets a bit upset if I choose to spend an evening doing something other than staying in with him. He also now checks my phone which bothers me. I think he can feel my unhappiness and is worried, naturally.

I now feel like I wasted a lot my 20s chasing misery away from finding out about his infidelities and losing myself to our relationship that wasn’t very happy. I made decisions to get engaged/get married/have kids, hoping I would feel happier and satisfied each time but it hasn’t actually worked and is now just more complicated.
i never found my proper career and spent a lot of mental energy on his growing (as well as dealing with depressed parents), this is something I understand was a hard time but feel ready to change.
Having kids and then getting a part time job for myself and some space from him has reinvigorated me completely after a long period of spending all our time together not doing an enormous amount.
i want to travel and do things and experience life more - we don’t really have this in common as he would rather be at home (always has been like this) and is easily overwhelmed when tired or uncomfortable so isn’t willing to do much. He will however, happily do things he wants to, ultra marathons etc. Which feels contradictory to me and he doesn’t like it when I bring that up.

when do you know when to call it a day? I don’t know any more. I want the best for my kids, and don’t want to have any regrets that we/I didnt try hard enough or that I’m just being picky or selfish wanting other things than family life. Maybe my expectations are just off?
does life have to feel unfulfilling now?

Am in early 30s, if that makes any difference

Nobody can answer this for you I don't think, as its a very personal decision and when you know, you know.

I split with my ex after 12 years, 2 kids and a shared mortgage. I should have done it alot sooner but I just didn't have the strength to, plus I didn't feel I had a reason to if that makes sense? Like your DH, he was a good provider, a decent (ish) dad, but our relationship was dead. I didn't like him as a person, I didn't want him to touch me at all and I just generally felt like he didn't give a shit about what I wanted out of life, or that what I did in the home (SAHM) mattered.

Now, it's been 4.5 years, been with my partner for most of that and he's lovely, so different and adores me, as I do him. We have our own house together and expecting our 1st (and only) baby together in May 🥰.

So my advice is, please do not settle, you only get one life and your happiness matters so much! The kids will be fine, kids are resilient believe me!

He checks your phone? Do you allow this?

I separated from my long term partner in October, we have two DC of similar ages. So much of your story resonated with me, and I ultimately left my partner for the same reasons.

The final straw was when I realised his tenancy to put his head in the sand over all our issues included the wellbeing and happiness of our little girls and the damage our parental conflict was causing them. Even this was not significant enough to work with me to change things. So I put my girls first and I ended it.

Growing up as little girls, we are sent the message that we are somehow responsible for men's behaviour and not to have expectations that are too high for our marriage, because 'marriage is hard work and relationships are hard'. They don't have to be, they require effort, but we are wholly deserving of a relationship where we receive love, respect and equality.

I was recommended a book I strongly recommend you read called 'too good to leave, too bad to stay' by Mira Kirshenbaum. It will give you a new mindset about healthy relationships and what we are deserving of, and what is healthy V what is definitely not. It asks thought provoking questions that prompt you to evaluate your whole relationship and where all your ideas and expectations of relationships come from. When you finish it, your choice will be obvious to you.

Get this book, and before you take any steps, protect your phone with a pin and facial recognition. No one, no matter who they are has the right to invade your privacy and abuse your trust.

I'll finish this post with a quote - "you are better off single than in a bad relationship"

If you want to message me, you're welcome to. Bad relationships are life-draining and the choice to leave one is incredibly brave.

He doesn’t know I know; he does it when I’m asleep in the mornings and has disturbed me, in the shower and I have seen him doing it from the stairs when he couldn’t see me. He has left things open on my phone as well.
He knows my passcode.

I have allowed it thus far because I found out about his infidelity because I went through his phone (8 years ago!)
I’m not proud of that, have apologised and never done it since. Not an excuse but I was young and concerned. I had strong reason to believe there was something going on and I was sadly right. The most hideous evening of my life.

so I supposed I’ve allowed it because I’m trying to prove I have nothing to hide, holding onto that victim mentality a bit I suppose

I have now realised I don’t have to and changed it. I’m not sure of the reaction this will get when he realises and I expect to be accused of hiding things when it’s suddenly changed. I guess that’s why I haven’t done it before as well.

Thank you Halloumi and Canttake - I’m sorry you’ve been through similar but it is really nice to hear that it can get better. I will definitely check out that book too, I think it could be really helpful for a number of other relationships in my life too

Speaking frankly, OP, he sounds horribly controlling and this is only a brief snapshot into your life. The bits that stuck out to me: he checks your phone, prefers you to stay at home (despite clearly enjoying lengthy outdoor pursuits of his own!) and has a tendency to be shouty. Ask yourself why he prefers you in that situation rather than making your own dreams come true. Then add a dollop of his infidelity (albeit a long time ago). Is it any wonder you’re so unhappy? To top it off he doesn’t ‘like’ when you mention the power imbalance. I bet he bl0ody doesn’t.

Life is too short to spend with a controller, even if they seem ‘decent’ enough in other areas. You’re too young to feel this restricted by a man whose company you don’t enjoy anymore. Your children will thrive with a happier mum but I know it’s easier said than done. And to your question, I say this as someone a little older than you, but no, life doesn’t have to be unfulfilling. But it will be with controlling man.

I’m 58, my husband is 63. We have 2 kids, the youngest is in her last year of school, DS is older and recently moved out although he still lives close. Over the last few years I’ve started giving less of a toss about everything connected with being a wife/mother. I think it started during lockdown. I basically had a low-grade burnout about everything that involved looking after other people. I’ve put myself last for over 20 years and now I’m ready for a change. But the more we talk about retirement, the more I think that what I actually want to do with the time I have left is incompatible with living with another person.
To be clear, I love hanging out with my kids. Now that they’re older they are pretty independent and we have a great relationship.
But: I want to eat what I want, when I want. I’m sick of catering to everyone’s different diets and intolerances and fads and preferences. I want to be able to play video games till 4 am and have a long nap in the afternoon if I feel like it. Maybe I won’t put the dishwasher on every evening. Maybe I won’t unload it in the morning. Maybe I’ll go and live in Thailand for 6 months. Maybe I’ll walk to Machu Pichu.
The idea of living alone sounds like heaven to me. When my husband goes away it feels like a holiday. A weight is lifted from me. The only positive thing he brings to the household is money. And yet even then I feel like I’d be happier just making do with what I earn (which is a lot less than him), rather than trying to guess whether I’m “allowed” or “entitled” to spend joint money on myself.
Over the 20+ years we’ve been together I’ve fallen into the habit of avoiding any kind of confrontation, or even really any kind of mild “look you have a habit of doing X which is a bit thoughtless because it means I have to Y so would you mind trying not to?” because he lashes out (verbally) and it ends up being about how I am hurtful and thoughtless. So I tend to shut up and avoid saying anything that might lead to confrontation.
Could try couples counselling I suppose but frankly I’m not really interested in mending the relationship. I just want to be on my own.
I’d leave now but my daughter would be devastated. I think I should at least stay until she’s finished her A-levels. There’s no bad atmosphere as such. My husband would also be shocked if he knew this was what I was thinking.
So the question I’m asking I suppose is: is it ok to be a shit to my husband, by letting him think everything is ok for another year, in order to be less of a shit to my daughter? She’s going to take it badly whenever it happens and I’m worried it will affect our relationship. My son I think would be more sympathetic.