Worried - rightly or wrongly?

[User69371527]

Feeling so worried and anxious today about something and not sure if it’s justified or not.

Am divorcing xh who has controlling tendencies. Moved out a year ago and separated few months before that.

I’ve been dating someone for a few months, it’s really nice, keeping it quite light but it is developing and I really like him.
he has his one Dc all the time so I met him fairly early on, about a month ago.

xh always made me promise to tell him if I was in a new relationship because he didn’t want to hear it from someone else, so I told him also about a month ago that I was seeing someone, but kind of played it down, said it was early days, quite casual.

I have 3 Dc 8-15yrs. I told them a couple of weeks ago I was seeing someone and they seemed fine.
we went to a show in our town this weekend and my bf/person I’m dating came along too with his Dc so they met each other. It wasn’t really a big deal and they got on well and had nice chats, afterwards my Dc told me they liked him.

We’re not intending to do lots of stuff together and they won’t be seeing him very frequently at all. I’ll continue seeing him on alternate weekends when they’re at their dads or lunches when we’re wfh.

I’m now super super worried about xh finding out they’ve met him. And can see him being angry I didn’t ask him / tell him. Should I have done? Should I tell him?
I’ve not and don’t want to specifically tell my Dc not to mention it so they may do in passing. Although xh doesn’t ask much about what they’ve been up to so it may not.

should I tell him?

if it had happened the other way round and the kids mentioned it I’d feel a bit odd but I wouldn’t expect him to have told me.

we’re going through a property buy out/final negotiations and am terrified of angering him

I suppose I’m wondering if it a reasonable co-parenting thing to tell each other about that, or if my worries about it are tied up with his controlling tendencies

The fact you are worried about his reaction is the bit which isn't good.
At the end of the day, no you do not need to tell him. you have already mentioned you have started seeing someone and that should be enough. If he can't handle it, then its his issue. You have been upfront enough and really you didn't even need to tell him that. But as a gesture and agreem ent you did, and that should be enough. Its not like you're marrying the guy next week!

My ex insisted I tell him when I started seeing someone. It was 3 years later when I met someone and told him after the 2nd date. he went mental!
And turns out, he had been seeing someone anyway (multiple someones I believe) and hadn't thought the gesture applied to him telling me though!

Honestly, don't worry and carry on as you are. And congrats on meeting someone who you are having a nice time with - whatever may develop.
Just get ready to don your hard hat if the ex kicks off.

Thank you for the sense check
i will leave it and if the kids mention it to him and he kicks off about it will deal with it then. He always calms down again.

If he says anything at all the best response is a calm 'This is absolutely nothing to do with you. I did you the courtesy of mentioning I had met someone else, but you and I are no longer together and my life is none of your business. I will not be discussing this again'.